Heads up Penny

I don't know how or when this started but whenever I come across a penny lying on the ground, I check to see if it is heads up. If so, I pick it up, put it in my pocket and continue on my way. I know that finding a penny in the heads up position is supposed to mean good luck but to be honest, I don't look at it like that. In fact, after I pick up the penny and put it in my pocket, more times than not, I actually forget about it. At least until I disrobe at the end of the day and it clinks on the floor as it falls from my pocket. Either way, it has just become this thing that I do.

However, today, it was suggested to me that there might be a reason behind my whole 'penny picking up' habit.

'Have you ever thought about what those pennies might mean?'

'No. Not really.'

'You never thought about a possible significance coming across those pennies in your life might have?'

'No, I haven't' As I sat getting slightly intrigued yet frustrated.

'Might it be possible they are a message to you from someone you hold special? A message to quit looking at the big picture and not to pass over the small stuff. I know that I might see a heads up penny once in a blue moon but you seem to find them far more often'

'No, I never thought like that'

At that moment, a tear fell down my cheek. For many reasons, actually. That he might be right, that he brought up my missing my someone special and my failing to possibly recognize the little things in life as I scream and cry that my life is as F'd up as it is at the moment.

After that, I continued to cry as that had opened the flood gates but everything seemed to be trumped as I thought about the penny lying on my floor at home since it fell from my pocket the other day.

When I returned home, though the penny is still small and lying in the same place -

I see it in a whole new way.

I give up. I give in.

I am exhausted. I am frustrated.

I am stuck.

I know I shouldn't be but what is all of this if your not honest. Honest with everyone but more importantly, honest with yourself. I am tired of constantly being on edge. Wondering what someone thinks, what their next move will be or how I might react. Wondering (wanting to KNOW) why. Why things couldn't be. Why it has to be this way. Why people are the way they are and not the way (I think) they should be. Wrong, I know. Why it needs to be so hard. I know that things need to be earned and in no way are put out for you to just pick up as you go along but WHY does it seem to be so hard in the process? So tiring, so frustrating and so annoying at times.

There it goes..

Forget it.

I give up.

Time to get the laundry.

Starting over and Consistency

These days, to say that I have any moment where thoughts about my life haven't been swimming around my head would be a HUGE understatement. The thoughts range from here to there and everywhere but for the most part they are all about me and the point I am at in my life.

All about moving on and starting over.

In a recent conversation, I was talking about where I was and my mindset when I made past decisions. In my past life. As the words fell out of my mouth, I thought about that mindset and about where I am now. As I spoke, she said to me just the thing that would make it all make some sort of sense. 'Your starting over'. As soon as she said it, my insides smiled as I attempted to release my next thought.

'Exactly'

I am starting over. The next few things I said, 'Been there, Done that' 'Never again' 'You live and you learn', came out in quick succession but that phrase put it all together.

I AM starting over.

Starting over in my new life and so very excited about it. At times, I do tend to be a little Hansel and Gretal-ish, as I lay out pieces of my past in the event I get really scared by something and want to run back to my comfort zone or what was but to be honest, I am running out of things to lay out. The further away from my past life I go, the less I seem to want to make sure I have that hand to hold.

At the same time, the word consistency was also brought in to play and it fit just perfectly. As I took that word with me and realized how true it is, I noticed how little I have of it in most of the people in my life and how desperately I crave it. When going through something as the events I have been experiencing in my life, all you want is consistency. You want to know that not only when you are laughing, happy and smiling with a friend, that you will have that same friend when you are crying, sad and frowning. You will have the same hug at sad times as you do during happy times.

Consistent consistency.

You want to be able to depend on the consistent (hopefully sincere) friend.

For me, I don't care how few people I have in my life. I would be fine having ONE person in my life if it meant that that one person will be there with me no matter what state I am in. They will be there for me no matter where I am and NOT when it works for them. As I can ONLY EVER speak for myself, I can say that it would be sincerely reciprocated. Forgive me but I have just been hurt way too much in my life to put it out there and not get it back. I will put it out there until, well, until I come across something that screams at me the loss of consistency with that person in my life.

I see how it is.

Another question that was also brought to my attention was if I would confront an individual regarding a situation as such.

My answer was no and the reason being; 'I don't want the drama'. Maybe I am wrong for this but I just think that if it is done once it will be done again. It doesn't matter if you talk it out with them, they apologize or whatever. The damage is still done and there is a great possibility that it will happen again. Why? That is just who they are which is why when it happens I say 'I see how it is'. It's ok. I just learn to steer clear as I don't want people like that in my life. I don't want to have to wonder about things they say or don't say. I don't want to have to tell them they should be this way or that way. I just don't want to spend time making people who they aren't with me. I will save all of us the time and energy and move on to surround myself with that person (or perhaps people) who are the way I would like them to be with me as I would be with them.

Consistent, Sincere and DRAMA FREE.

Here's hopin'. . .

Skeletal and Emotional

The thoughts in my head are nonstop.

Seems as if they move in and set up shop.

As they do, I think about you.

Imagining smiles, laughs and even tears we might share.

I know, even now,

I could hold your hand,

place my heavy head on your shoulder

and be comforted by just your breathing

We started young,

sharing moments no one knew.

Just me and you

We were building a relationship so few find.

One that would be stronger than anything

I look at pictures,

Replay memories and

imagine the possible futures.

I realize it could still be.

Just with me

and

thats ok

I know you are still here.

I know you are

Your in my heart.

Your still my support

I will keep us going.

In just the way we would if your were sitting next to me

holding my hand

I will continue.

With you

and

your support

I think George Carlin said it best:

"It's all bullshit and it's bad for ya"

In recent weeks, I have come across some things in my life that (unfortunately) can only best be described as just that, bull shit.

People, situations, actions and the such.

In no way do I invite this crap into my life. In fact, I really want to give it a cookie and send it on it's way. However, it seems to find me and even though that is the case, I do my best to recognize the BS, stand tall and continue on in the best drama free way I know how. Surround myself with people, things and words that keep me in a drama free space. Even if all of that can be counted on less than five fingers.

Recently, as well, tears related to the past year or so of my life have also seemed to find me again and I have been lucky enough (or so it seems) to have ears willing to listen for the most part until, of course, some can't seem to remove themselves from the car or make a follow up phone call but I suppose that is par for the course. Can't win 'em all. Regardless, I have decided (as angry as those tears make me as they fall down my cheeks) to just let them go. If I keep them in the hollows, it will only tear me up inside and as much as I would like to stand tall, eventually I will crumble due to the ultimate lack of support. At the same time, I can't help but hear it over and over - "It's all bull shit and..."

So, after all the words I have spoken, all the tears that I have shed and all the sense I have attempted to make in recent time, I am going to keep moving. I have to, after all. It makes me sad and I think it is unfortunate that at times the choices you make in life will determine your support system but at the same time, it takes situations as such to find out who the real people - the real, true support you have in your life might be. Up until moments when you might be forced to make a life changing decision or you make one to simply protect yourself when no one else will, you might be thinking you have the world behind you who will hold your hand, listen to you and give you the tightest, longest and most assuring hug when you need it the most. Unfortunately, however, that won't be the case but (maybe not instantly) you will find those that, no matter what and whether they agree with you or not, will catch you when you fall, hug you when you need it, listen when cry and support you above all else.

Don't forget, though: "It's all bull shit and it's bad for ya"

I'm sorry for being sorry

'Why did you hit your brother?!'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why didn't you clean your room before you went out?'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why didn't you call to let me know you were ok?'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why couldn't you be the wife I imagined?'

'I don't know. I'm NOT sorry.'

Why, then, am I sorry for everything else?

This morning, as I attempted to open my eyes and start my day, I caught a news story about a young boy who only 6 months ago his parents learned will most likely only make it to the age of 20.

A little while later, as I had the TV on as background noise, I was distracted by yet another story of a 27 yr old woman who when she was a teen was shot in the face. It left her disfigured and blind.

In both these stories, the 'victims' were smiling. They were happy and they were keeping their minds on the positive.

This leads to just a few days ago when I had a moment that is only caused by my condition. When it started, I had to sit down and wait for it to pass in hopes that it wouldn't lead to another episode. As soon as it passed, I'll admit, I threw a tantrum.

'Why me?!'

'Why do I have to deal with this?'

'I don't want to have to deal with this everyday!!'

Now, I feel like an ass.

I like to think that maybe not everything but most things in life do happen for a reason and as I have said, we won't always know the reason but there is one. Just as I woke up this morning after I tumultuous sleep, the first thing I see is a young boy who would be lucky to make it to his legal drinking age and then a girl who experienced something no one should have to go through and she is in love, with a son and though blind - she is smiling.

Ok, so I have a condition. One that I have to think about constantly. One that has me in constant fear and anxiety and here I am throwing a tantrum. Among these two people I learned about today, there is a guaranteed death sentence (hoping that can be changed) and permanent blindness (she doesn't even know what her son looks like!) but THEY ARE SMILING!

As I sit here, putting in to black and white the thoughts that I are in my head, I would like to say that I vow to NEVER throw a tantrum again or cry about the fact that I have to deal with this constantly but I will say that I will do my best to smile more and fear less.

Hurt

Let me ask you - have you ever been hurt by someone so bad that no matter how much you scream or punch there is no getting rid of it? Have you ever been brought to tears at just the thought of them?

I can say I have and I hate it. I often think about being given the opportunity to confront them, to look them in the face and tell them how much they left me with, how much emotional pain they have put me through and how many tears I have shed over the situation. Then I realize, there is no point. Someone like that doesn't care. Anyone who can cause that much pain, only cares about their own well being. Making sure that, at the end of they day, they are 'ok'. They don't care that I keep photos around and stare at them from time to time. They don't care how much I cry to my friends and talk about the care I still have for them. They don't put a moments thought in to my being left behind to clean up the emotional mess. What do they have to worry about? They, pretty much, got out of this unscathed.

Then I begin to wonder, is being hurt a choice? Is it a decision? Am I choosing to feel as if a knife is being dragged across my chest every time I think about it?

If it is, I need to change my decision. I need to take care of me. I need to get out of this as unscathed as they did. If they can, why can't I?

I have been told, recently, that I have a good heart. That I am good person. If that is true, I don't want to be. In an attempt to not be, I am putting it away. I am putting them away. Out of my immediate life. In a box. Covered up. Behind closed doors and away from my immediate view and immediate thoughts.

I want to be unscathed. Just like you.

'Today, I look in your eyes and I hold your hands in mine, as I promise to be true to you as your wife. I love you as my husband. I do, of course.'

I meant it when I said it

Scared, though I wouldn't admit

I looked in your eyes and held your

hands

Smiling and quivering

Wanting to know

Did you feel the same?

I won't, though

I can't believe

I won't see you

For the first time

I don't understand this day without you

The first, I cried. The tears flowed and I couldn't get them to stop. This morning, I think about where I was that day and the tears still fall, though with less intensity. At just this time that day, it was all going to happen in just a few hours. We were going to be together 'forever'. Whatever that means because, clearly, it doesn't mean what one would think.

The dress, the requests and our hands

'In just over a day, I will hold your hands in mine and promise to be true to you as..'

Today, I think about that day, that moment and your smile. About the promises, the happiness and the nerves.

Today, my heart hurts as I think about how WE couldn't make it. About the promises, the sadness and the NEW nerves.

It's been a while but yet such a short time. It's a strange place I am in now. Wondering what I could have done different to 'make it work'. What I could have done different to make you want to stay. What I could have done different to keep the smile on your face. At the same time, I know what I could have done different and it wouldn't have kept the smile on my face.

I feel like a failure, still.

Five years ago, at this very moment, as the dress hung waiting for my body to fill it, I remember a sense of calm when, actually, I think now my nerves were in a tailspin. I chalked it up to being 'normal' for what I was about to embark on. Thinking the nerves would calm after the words were spoken. They never did. I asked you to 'bear' with me as I attempted to deal with them. I asked too much. That I know as I can only ever speak for myself.

I am sorry for being a failure, on my end.

If I could take back all that I did to you, I would, in a second. If I could just be honest with my nerves and tell you five years ago that holding your hands and making promises scared me more than I should have been, I would, in a second but I was too scared to do so.

I am no longer scared, to be honest.