This week, in a desperate attempt to pull myself from the emotional state I recently have been thrown back into, I decided to go straight to the source of the tears and drama rather then let things fester. As I dialed the number, got the 'Hello' and began the conversation - it settled with me that I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me at least. It was something that I have needed to do for a VERY long time. I didn't know I would be making the call when I did but as I said, I knew it was necessary.
It started with my request for an explanation. An explanation about why what I perceived as blatant lies were put out there. How they couldn't understand that something like that would rip through me.
'It wasn't meant like that'
'What do you mean - It wasn't meant like that?! To put something out like that?! You don't know me AT ALL if you think that wouldn't hurt as horrible as it did'
'I am telling you, it wasn't meant like that. Just a means to an end of the nonsense! It was the lesser of all evils. I was asked if you would be fine with it and I said yes.'
'You were asked if I would be fine with it and you said yes?! You REALLY don't know me. Even if, for a second and considering the situation, you thought I would be ok with it, you should have called to let me know this would be coming to me soon!'
With that, the tears (yet again) started flowing.
'Why do you want to hurt me more and more? What did I do to you that was so bad that you want to hurt me like this?'
'Are you kidding me with this!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much you hurt me!? What you did to me?!'
'Please! Please! Please tell me.'
With that, they did.
To hear it was one of the more painful things I had to endure in my emotional life. What could I say, they were right. I did everything they said. I admitted it (again) and I accepted where I was at fault. All this time, I made sure to let them know how much I am hurting. How betrayed I feel and how much the pain they have caused has put me in the place I am currently living in. I am at fault, though. I am fault for many things.
We are, though, both at fault for the quake that left the relationship in ruins and both of us trying to dig ourselves out from the rubble while attempting to rebuild our broken hearts. We have both caused serious pain to each other. Hurt that was the reaction to anger and frustration stemming mostly from expectations that simply could not or would not be met.
Eventually, the intensity of the conversation settled and we each took our emotions back and hit the cancel button.
Of course, I couldn't get what just happened out of my mind even after talking about it with a friend. I just couldn't understand what had happened and where I go from here. In yet another attempt to get my life in order, I called up what I have come to realize is my voice of reason. The one that has given me the smack back to reality that I so often need while leaving me with a hug and love afterwards.
'Hello, AP'
'Hey Baby, what's happening?'
'Nothing. Just wanted to talk'
'Talk or talk talk?'
'Talk talk.'
'OK - What's the matter?'
'Well . . . '
They listened as I poured out what just took place. I cried, they listened. I talked, they listed. I cried some more, they listened.
'I just wish I could fix it. I wish I could go back and make it better! Say things I should have said, admit things to both of us and everyone. I just want to change it! I just want to MAKE IT BETTER! I never want to hurt anyone.'
'Did you listen to them?'
'Yes.'
'Did you accept it?'
'Yes'
'Did you apologize?'
'Ye. . .'
'Then that is it! That is all you can do and now you MUST move on. You have done all you can do. You can not go back and change what you did in the past. You can only accept, apologize and learn from it.'
There was my smack. Loud and clear to me.
The conversation continued with more words that put the reality that I need to move on into even better perspective and eventually I hear -
'Now that we got that, when are you coming to visit again and what are we cooking?'
Smack back to reality if I ever got one.
