Why?

In speaking to a friend of mine earlier, he said something that struck me pretty deep.

He said, 'we will never know why.'

He was referring to something that happened to him years ago. Why did it happen this way and not the other way which would have, for sure, had a very different outcome. Naturally, we think that it happened the way it did because everything happens for a reason and though at the time it may not have been clear, he was meant for something else. Since then he has built a business, met the love of his life and made a family with her that he couldn't be any more in love with. Was that his purpose? Who knows but he is happy. That much is fact.

That leads me to me. I have many 'whys' in my life. Many questions that I need an answer to but know that I won't get them.

Why did you go away?

That is the big one that I will never get an answer to. So, should I just accept it as the case and move on? Should I just say to myself that it is what it is and leave it at that? Should I just trust that the decision that was made was right (for them) and because I love them as much as I do, I want them to do whatever it is that makes (made) them happy?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

I am trying to answer the 'whys' on my own but to no avail.

Perhaps my friend is right. Sometimes we will never know why.

Never?

Really??

Accept, Except and the Victim

At this point in my life, my weekly therapy sessions have become, not only, healing but necessary. Though, up to recently, I had convinced myself that 'I got it', I don't and sitting for an hour a week to 'figure' out the current state of my life, as well as, the past and sometimes future has, pretty much, saved me for now.

This week, three VERY important topics came into play. As I began the session, delving deeper into my life, I said (what I thought was simple) that I just need to 'accept' and move on. Quickly, I was challenged.

'What does that mean? Accept it?'

What do you mean - what does that mean? It means, I don't have to agree with it. I just need to accept it as the case and MOVE ON.'

Still, I got - 'What does that mean?'.

I sat there, stunned for a moment. 'Till now, I thought I knew what it meant. 'Till I was challenged, of course. Now, I am at a loss.

What does it mean and how might one figure it out?

In an effort to answer the question, I looked up Webster's definition of Accept and got:

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly <accept a gift>b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added) accept ink>

2

: to give admittance or approval to <accept her as one of the group>

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions>b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable accepted>c : to recognize as true : believe accept the explanation>

4

a : to make a favorable response to <accept an offer>b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in paymentaccept personal checks>

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

All of which did not help me. So here I sit, even as I type this, wondering what it means and should I ever really figure it out, will it come easily or will it be an arduous process I must endure in order to MOVE ON?

Stay tuned..

The next topic that came up was 'Except'.

Everyone except me.

Everything except me.

I suppose, the next topic of 'The Victim' might go hand in hand here. I went to this weeks session with, what was to me, a big question.

'Why can't I..'

The following was the response I received:

'I think you know the answer to that question'

And I did, though I failed to realize it until that moment.

I'm playing the victim.

Silence.. for a moment.

'Why do I do that?'

'Because you scrubbed floors for attention, that's why.'

At this point, I like to think that the 'fix' will be something as simply putting down the scrub brush, standing up and walking away from the bucket of dirty water but I know I need to accept that won't be the case and I will attempt to continue on with my life except not as the victim.