I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me - Bic Runga
I often wish I had a crystal ball to tell the future. I wish I knew where every step I took was going to take me. I wish I knew how every decision I make was going to turn out.
I don't.
If I did, I would make sure to choose only the relationships and situations that would bring nothing but happiness and positive energy to my life.
Recently, as I listened to the reasons behind why maybe not to choose certain things due to the blind uncertainty of it all, I remember thinking (and saying) 'Isn't that what you do with every relationship you choose to enter?'
You never know. You never know the turns up head, the inclines and steep slopes. The flat terrain or sudden rain storms surrounded (hopefully) by sunny days. Basically, you enter into it with high hopes and maybe some caution depending on where you have come from.
Sometimes, relationships don't start out by choice. They are set there for you as you begin this thing called life. However, over time, as you learn more about them you may or may not decide to keep them as part of you hoping, in turn, you are making the right decision. After all, you have no way of knowing for sure. Just feeling.
At the moment one of the most important people in my life decided to do something they felt was the best for them at the moment they made it, I had no idea that is where our relationship would go. It tore through me (and still does) based on what I thought we had. I went into the future assuming it would always be that way if not better. They would always be there and until then, there was no second thought about it.
I grew, they grew, things changed and I am still trying to understand.
When I made the decision to start one of the most significant of relationships of my life, I never thought that I would be sitting here at this moment typing while in the midst of one of the hardest and uncertain times of my life. I do remember promising to stick with it through thick or thin no matter what was placed in our path. I also remember telling them that they were 'stuck with me'. Though being humorous, it was my way of admitting to myself that I was making one of the biggest decisions of my life and being 'ok' with it.
When I made the promise to be with them forever, I had know idea what the future held. I just held their hand, smiled and said 'Here we go!'. I was doing it blindly but I like to think it was also with hope.
Little did I know.
I changed, they changed, the relationship changed and drown in the storm.
Based on this, I am burned but I want to still have hope that something is going to work out. That even though I don't know how things will unfold, maybe, something will stick. I will be someones somebody. So not only when the smiles happen but the frustration builds, anger burns or sadness flows, they will know by the look in my eyes that with every bit of my being the strength of my hand as I wrap it around theirs will never, ever waver.
