If I could take it all back, I would. In a second. From the beginning, I hurt one of the most important people I ever had in my life and simply because I didn't speak up at the right moment. I can't help but burn with pain at the thought. To think about what I put them through, what I did to them and how much I wanted to hurt them makes me sad and angry with myself. I wish that I could change it all. I wish that I could sit down in front of them, spill it and tell them just how sorry I am for all the pain, frustration and hurt that I caused to them.
As I said to them recently, I can only ever speak for myself and I know what I did and how much pain I caused. I am so very sorry. I look back now and I know why I did it and what I need to change so never to do it again but I didn't know that then and the destruction I left in the wake is more than I could imagine myself capable of doing. Clearly, it is possible.
I am so very sorry.
As I sat in the drivers seat, wiping the tears with my fingers, I listened to the voice at the other end of the phone and felt their pain. Finally, after all this time, I heard it and I felt it. I wanted nothing else but to let them know just how sorry I am as our time together flashed through my mind. I was told that they needed to say all of it to me for quite some time and they are happy they finally could. That they finally felt as if they could open up to me about all that has been happening in the last few years. In those moments, as my tears fell into my lap, I felt theirs.
I am so very sorry.
After so much time, in a tiny way, we were each other again. We were the two of us in the relationship we had. The two of us that only we know. Knew. That is how it is. There are those moments, words, feelings and stares that only the two people together in a relationship know. Will ever know and that is what I felt as the call progressed. It was there again and I felt it. I believe that they felt it too. I hope they did.
I am so very sorry.
To think of everything that I put them through, breaks my heart. As I attempt to clean up my side of the street and understand why I didn't speak up when I should have, I wish I could hold their hand, feel them and hug them. I wish I could look in their eyes and have them speak the words I have wanted to say. I wish I could ask for their forgiveness.
I did my part, too.
We need to heal. Time needs to pass. We must put our signatures on paper and close this chapter in order to heal from the pain caused. If ever anything is to come from this remains to be seen. I hope for nothing except that they are happy. I feel as if I have taken any and everything I could from them and that makes me sick to my stomach. It was love from beginning for me. No matter how it played out. I love them more than I can ever express and just because we can't make it work doesn't change that for me. Ever. I want to turn away and know that they are happy. I don't want to ask for this, that and the other thing. That is not what this comes down to for me. Happy. That is all I want.
Through it all, people have their opinions, judgements and thoughts but at the end of the day (as with anyone) it is us. From the moment we met, they were good people. At the core. Have been and always will be. I will never think different. Ever.
'I miss you and I love you. I won't ever stop'
Both.
