Heads up Penny

I don't know how or when this started but whenever I come across a penny lying on the ground, I check to see if it is heads up. If so, I pick it up, put it in my pocket and continue on my way. I know that finding a penny in the heads up position is supposed to mean good luck but to be honest, I don't look at it like that. In fact, after I pick up the penny and put it in my pocket, more times than not, I actually forget about it. At least until I disrobe at the end of the day and it clinks on the floor as it falls from my pocket. Either way, it has just become this thing that I do.

However, today, it was suggested to me that there might be a reason behind my whole 'penny picking up' habit.

'Have you ever thought about what those pennies might mean?'

'No. Not really.'

'You never thought about a possible significance coming across those pennies in your life might have?'

'No, I haven't' As I sat getting slightly intrigued yet frustrated.

'Might it be possible they are a message to you from someone you hold special? A message to quit looking at the big picture and not to pass over the small stuff. I know that I might see a heads up penny once in a blue moon but you seem to find them far more often'

'No, I never thought like that'

At that moment, a tear fell down my cheek. For many reasons, actually. That he might be right, that he brought up my missing my someone special and my failing to possibly recognize the little things in life as I scream and cry that my life is as F'd up as it is at the moment.

After that, I continued to cry as that had opened the flood gates but everything seemed to be trumped as I thought about the penny lying on my floor at home since it fell from my pocket the other day.

When I returned home, though the penny is still small and lying in the same place -

I see it in a whole new way.

I give up. I give in.

I am exhausted. I am frustrated.

I am stuck.

I know I shouldn't be but what is all of this if your not honest. Honest with everyone but more importantly, honest with yourself. I am tired of constantly being on edge. Wondering what someone thinks, what their next move will be or how I might react. Wondering (wanting to KNOW) why. Why things couldn't be. Why it has to be this way. Why people are the way they are and not the way (I think) they should be. Wrong, I know. Why it needs to be so hard. I know that things need to be earned and in no way are put out for you to just pick up as you go along but WHY does it seem to be so hard in the process? So tiring, so frustrating and so annoying at times.

There it goes..

Forget it.

I give up.

Time to get the laundry.

Starting over and Consistency

These days, to say that I have any moment where thoughts about my life haven't been swimming around my head would be a HUGE understatement. The thoughts range from here to there and everywhere but for the most part they are all about me and the point I am at in my life.

All about moving on and starting over.

In a recent conversation, I was talking about where I was and my mindset when I made past decisions. In my past life. As the words fell out of my mouth, I thought about that mindset and about where I am now. As I spoke, she said to me just the thing that would make it all make some sort of sense. 'Your starting over'. As soon as she said it, my insides smiled as I attempted to release my next thought.

'Exactly'

I am starting over. The next few things I said, 'Been there, Done that' 'Never again' 'You live and you learn', came out in quick succession but that phrase put it all together.

I AM starting over.

Starting over in my new life and so very excited about it. At times, I do tend to be a little Hansel and Gretal-ish, as I lay out pieces of my past in the event I get really scared by something and want to run back to my comfort zone or what was but to be honest, I am running out of things to lay out. The further away from my past life I go, the less I seem to want to make sure I have that hand to hold.

At the same time, the word consistency was also brought in to play and it fit just perfectly. As I took that word with me and realized how true it is, I noticed how little I have of it in most of the people in my life and how desperately I crave it. When going through something as the events I have been experiencing in my life, all you want is consistency. You want to know that not only when you are laughing, happy and smiling with a friend, that you will have that same friend when you are crying, sad and frowning. You will have the same hug at sad times as you do during happy times.

Consistent consistency.

You want to be able to depend on the consistent (hopefully sincere) friend.

For me, I don't care how few people I have in my life. I would be fine having ONE person in my life if it meant that that one person will be there with me no matter what state I am in. They will be there for me no matter where I am and NOT when it works for them. As I can ONLY EVER speak for myself, I can say that it would be sincerely reciprocated. Forgive me but I have just been hurt way too much in my life to put it out there and not get it back. I will put it out there until, well, until I come across something that screams at me the loss of consistency with that person in my life.

I see how it is.

Another question that was also brought to my attention was if I would confront an individual regarding a situation as such.

My answer was no and the reason being; 'I don't want the drama'. Maybe I am wrong for this but I just think that if it is done once it will be done again. It doesn't matter if you talk it out with them, they apologize or whatever. The damage is still done and there is a great possibility that it will happen again. Why? That is just who they are which is why when it happens I say 'I see how it is'. It's ok. I just learn to steer clear as I don't want people like that in my life. I don't want to have to wonder about things they say or don't say. I don't want to have to tell them they should be this way or that way. I just don't want to spend time making people who they aren't with me. I will save all of us the time and energy and move on to surround myself with that person (or perhaps people) who are the way I would like them to be with me as I would be with them.

Consistent, Sincere and DRAMA FREE.

Here's hopin'. . .