Are we not like two volumes of one book?

~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

I am the type of person who allows VERY few people close to me. I have been hurt WAY too many times in my life, so in an effort to protect myself, I pick and choose carefully. Though this may sound sad and unfortunate, it has actually brought to light some great things. For instance, I recognize when a relationship is special, when feelings are real and when people are true (for the most part).

When people meet and make relationships with one another, it could happen for many reasons. How that relationship works, is particular to them and could be the most amazing thing in the world. Having had my share of relationships in my life thus far (albeit romantic, friends etc.), I can know when someone comes into my life and we work on ALL fronts, just how rare and absolutely amazing that truly is to have. By all fronts I mean, intimately/physically, friendship, business etc. It's like nothing you could ever really express when you meet someone and you just 'work' in all situations. For every situation you might enter into together, you just fall into your particular roles. There is no question, no arguing, no anything. It's like everything just clicks into place when you enter the situation. You each work in your role, whatever that may be and move onto the next thing in the relationship. You have the utmost respect for each other. To be able to do that is just SO incredible. You just don't find that anywhere. In my experience, couples work here but not there. They can be together in a romantic/relationship sense but could never be in each others business/work environment. Some make great friends but could never spend the night together. Others, still, might be able to spend the night, work together but could never be romantic. I think you get the idea.

When I was young, though I might not have known fully what it meant, I considered myself a hopeless romantic. I remember a night, while working at my first job, we would always have the local radio station on and at a certain time, they would take song requests. So, I built up the courage to put my thoughts out there and called them up. The song I requested was 'Somewhere out there' and I dedicated it to no one in particular. When I was asked who it was for, I said just that - 'Not for anyone in particular, just putting it out there'.

As I hung up the phone, I smiled.

Feelings are amazing things. They could be good. They good be bad or they could be just downright confusing and frustrating.

Recently, I allowed feelings into my life that, for a long time, I tried to suppress for many reasons. Over time, after assessing the situation, I decided I would allow them in. At first, I thought it was ok. That I made the right decision and it would all turn out for the better. Then something came and bit me in the ass. Something that said, 'Hold up! No go! Drop the feelings and step away from the situation!'

Since then, my head and my heart have been at war.

As a friend has repeated to me over and over, (perhaps not word for word) the head and the heart won't agree. The heart wants what it wants even though the head screams otherwise.

Logic and love DO NOT go hand in hand.

I am the type of person who holds their feelings VERY close to them. I allow VERY few people into my world. So when I felt these things happening, tried to suppress them and then let them happen - I knew they were the real deal. Unfortunately, when it became very real to me that the situation was going to play out as such, my heart was the first to take the brunt of the pain but in the weeks since, my body has felt it as well. It is amazing what this can do to you. You can't eat, you can't sleep, can't think or stop crying.

The impact to these feelings has been so real, I would feel it physically. Really, feeling physically sick. It's like withdrawal.

Real, pure, emotional withdrawal.

What's worse (as if there could be anything) is to find out - it's just you.