Lately, as the weeks go by, I seem to be learning more and more about me. Who I am at the core. The more that I do this, the more I want to stop. The more I learn that I am afraid of me. Where I came from, where I am at and where I could possibly take myself. The crazy thing being that I see myself doing amazing things. Taking my talents and abilities to new heights but I can't seem to DO it. All because I fear my potential.
I had a crazy childhood. With that said (again), I did have moments where I was encouraged, where I was taught and made positive. I did have those people who wanted me to succeed. Those who saw that I could take on something big and be awesome at it. Often, I think about those moments. As I do, I can remember just how I felt and just what I was thinking. I can even remember how the smile felt as it grew. I could sit back and continue to whine (although I hate whiners with a passion) and focus on all the negative I had growing up but this is where that has gotten me. Here. Right here with my fingers furiously running over this keyboard as questions spin around my mind about my life. Words are pouring out as I attempt to make sense of it all. Regardless, I still fear me.
I don't know if one can call this a phobia. Like a fear of heights, spiders (eeeek!), dogs or anything. Something that with some practice, perhaps, one could over come. Could I possibly have a phobia of myself? Is that what a fear is?
I don't know.
Lately, I have been trying to learn from my mistakes. I have been trying to look at my past and do the opposite of what hasn't worked for me. So far, eh, so good (?). What I do know is that I could give myself all the pep talks in the world, I could listen to all the positive messages sent to me daily and I could read affirmations all the damn time but NONE of that has brought me where I need to be. Where I want to be. In a state of me. Fearless me.
More than anything, this is annoying. It is holding me back from where I need to be in my life. Right now. Now, I know that need is different for everyone. When I say it, it is where I need to be for me. Where I want to be. Why then is it SO difficult for me to get there?
Am I falling into the world of excuses? Am I using the excuse that I have so many excuses so I can't do anything? Am I really allowing the BS to hold me back? Really? REALLY ON THAT ONE?
STOP. Just stop it!
I can't.
I am really scared of what might happen or what won't.
