In my not to distant past, I remember describing everything that I was going through at the time as the worst emotional roller coaster ever. I couldn't believe the turn my life had taken and spent many a nights (mornings, mid-mornings, afternoons and evenings) in a pool of tears. All in a desperate search to figure out 'What the F happened'. Everything had changed so suddenly and in time I came to figure out exactly what happened to get me to that place.
Everything happens for a reason.
Though it was a miserable time for me and all I wanted was someone to pick me up and fix everything, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I felt pain in an instant. I felt hurt in waves. I felt sadness in loads.
My life needed that.
As much as I had been teased in my past about thinking the world revolved around me (and fought those words each and every time), I think I did start to convince my self that it might be the case. Not because I wanted to be malicious but in the craziness that was the house that became my world, I needed to do something to get myself to be ok. It was my escape of choice. I didn't get arrested. I didn't over eat. I didn't drink. I just sat in my own little orbit and tried desperately to be the only one there to get away from the world around me. It was my drug of choice. You want to run from the pain. Run from the fear. The sadness and the frustration. So I did.
In to me.
As I grew up, I thought that I had done the work I needed with that and I could finally grow to be outside of me.
Ha. Next.
I needed to be thrown in to the spin cycle of crap. I have yet to meet a person who owns that but I am sure that they exist. I needed to see that the stubbornness I wasn't allowing to leave my life, was only holding me back from being whatever state of 'normal' I was meant to be in.
and I had that handed to me in a ride. I was grabbing on to the hand rails in a desperate attempt to get through everything with out falling out (of control).
A few months back, my life changed again... Here goes.
