I have this childish, fantasy idea that everyone wants only the best for the next person but I have learned otherwise. In most cases, people are out for themselves and that has lead me to put and keep up a wall up in my life. A wall that protects me from being hurt, abused and embarrassed or at least that is the idea. I look at the people in my life through questioning eyes. Even (and maybe mostly) my family.
I want to. I really want to believe that people are real. That there could actually be someone who honestly and truly cares and wants nothing but the best but I can't. I just can't seem to take someones words, actions or what have you and believe that at the end of the day, they would be there to catch me when I fall, wipe my tears when I cry, jump for joy with me when I celebrate, hug me when I am exhausted or simply hold my hand when they see the questioning in my eyes. I honestly and truly want so much to believe. It really is tiring to not but I am SO terrified of being hurt. Of being embarrassed. Of being made a fool that I can't.
If only I could go back and change. .
My childhood was wreaked with nothing but havoc. Let downs, abusing, hurt and the such. I remember being young and hearing nothing but yelling, crying and things a young person should never see. Promises that were made but never kept amid the bullshit. I never wanted much. Just to know that I was wanted. Instead, for the most part, I was just there. It didn't matter how many floors I scrubbed, how many tears I cried or how much bullying I endured. Things came and went and I have gotten where I am because I did it. Even after hearing my mother tell me to take my toys (my career equipment) and 'put it somewhere'. '
After that, I moved into a relationship that I embraced with a smile and excitement when they came into my life. I thought that the nonsense was done. That was it. Someone WANTED me! Just what I was looking for my entire life. Someone who at the end of the day couldn't wait to see me. I meant something. For a while, that is what I thought I had but like the other relationships I had, the 'let downs' reared their ugly heads, the empty promises filled the air and the disappointment beat me down. Amazingly after all that,I want only the best for them as we go our separate ways. I want nothing from them except for them to be their happiest everyday.
I am trying.
To be strong.
To trust.
I did have moments. Moments where I thought that I had just what I needed. What I wanted through the hurricane surrounding my life. I didn't each and every time (the few times) I thought things were good. That, alone, would tell anyone that they aren't good enough. 'Take her or leave her' seems to be the theme of my life.
I just can't believe that anyone wants me for anything more than just anything. It's all just because I am there for the moment.
This is why I can't trust.
In the few cases where I thought I had something. Where I thought I was wanted. They left. More importantly, they left me with pain. The pain that has become the cement holding the bricks of my wall together.
I know it may seem as if I am whining about my life. I am sure there are others who have had their share of disappointment, let downs or empty promises but I can't speak for them. I can only talk about me which seems to be just what I need to understand.
So, there it is.
I want to trust and I hope I can or maybe someday I will find someone with a sledgehammer big enough.
