I don't get it. I know I have a lot to work on but I just don't get it. If I were to sit down and write a list of each and every thing either about myself or about everything else that I don't get, it would be a mile (perhaps more) long. What is that? Why am I at this age and so damn confused? You would think that I would have some things figured out. Solid. Done.
I figure this might be a good a spot as any to try to, if nothing else, get the ball rolling. So let's see..
1: How the hell did I end up here? Now I know that might seem like a dumb question with an obvious answer, however, it's more like 'here' as in this crappy, financially screwed, dependent (etc) space. I hate it. Every last bit of it. There was a time that I thought I had it figured out. I had the perfect situation and I was set for life. Boy was I wrong. I couldn't have been more off the mark.
2: What is up with all these regrets? I like to think I try. I try to learn from my mistakes, I try to say the right thing, do the right thing and I try to be with the right people but so far I must have made some screwy choices because I can't help but have regrets. I have been attempting to choose not to have regrets in my life but I seem to fall right back into having them. I know the most important regrets that I have and when I think about them, they stir up such a state of anger that I want to hit something or cry for the next day and a half.
3: Where were these lessons when I needed them most and why am I standing alone here? Why is it that at the most vulnerable state I am in at this point of my life, do I feel as if I am standing in the middle of an open arena watching my world pass me by with no direction or tools to move on? Attempting at some moments to tap a shoulder, ask a question or just jump right into the crowd but not able to move my legs. Trying to understand where I came from, what I did, the choices I made and where I am supposed to be going, alone. At the same time, I am confused because new relationships are forming and practically begging to help me but I can do nothing but keep them at bay simply because, I don't understand.
4: What are these walls and where is my sledgehammer? I hate the feeling when I walk to my car and thinking I unlocked the door, move to pull the handle only to have it snap out of my hand as I am jerked into the door as a result of my hastiness. Emotionally, that is how I feel daily. Except these walls are a lot bigger and a lot harder. No wonder I have this bruise on my chin.. Regardless, no matter how hard I try or how much I want it, I cannot seem to break them down or through them. What is it going to take? A bulldozer?
5: How do I live with a condition I cannot get rid of and how do I release the fear? Here I am, at a loss again. I live in a state of fear. For many reasons but this one being the biggest. Where? When? How? Will someone be there to catch me? I like to hope all is under control but no one really knows that. Instead, I put my chances in to someone who throws solutions at me in hopes that something will stick because they don't even know what is going on. To say that is scary would be an understatement, however, it is a billion times better to have then to not have. At least for how ever much longer I have the ability to have someone who will stay with me and work to make sure I am healthy and happy. Until it is under control and in other areas make me emotionally strong enough to stand on my own with it all it seems like I will be here. In this state.
Well, these are pretty much the top five. Maybe by writing them out I will understand them better and they might fix themselves. Who knows. What I do know is that I have this and for me this is the best therapy.
Ever.
Now if I could just give a pop quiz.
