Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I still don't know if it is 'with age comes wisdom' or if it is more like 'with enough frustration comes exhaustion and done with that' but either way I have been hearing and seeing some things very clearly these days.

I am the type of person who does not take advice easily. I will shut up and listen to it at times knowing that I will not follow it and try my best to 'do my own thing' yet other times I will verbally fight it. However, I have been trying to listen and take the advice I have been given in hope that it is what I need to lessen the anger and frustration I experience on what seems like a daily basis. So, lately I have woven it into my life and turned the hope dial up a few notches. Unfortunately, even with following the advice, I have been left in a state of disappointment, again. Why? I have no idea.

So. Back to trying my own way. Again.

Or so I thought.

In the midst of my frustration and exhaustion, I realized that I left the 'listening' dial on high. I have been hearing things that might have been said to me in the past but because of my determination to be 'right' I never heard (or seen) these things.

Recently, I have heard...

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I heard them. I am hearing (and seeing) them. Surprisingly, I feel better. Maybe it is exhaustion. Exhaustion from the crying or what have you but I get it. Something clicked.

Is clicking.

Today, I saw some things change and instead of getting crazy, crying and possibly other things, I smiled, sat back and said 'ok'. It is the natural course of things. The natural course of the state of things. I knew it would happen. Am I sad that it is happening at all? Yes but I am happy that it is happening now instead of a while back when I really was crumbling piece by piece. Back when I would have really just been a pile of myself being the result of serious heartache, anger, sadness made possible by what seemed like never ending tears and screaming. When I think my emotional life is bad now, I think back to a year ago when the thought of anything would have made me cry or hit something.

That gives me hope and makes me happy. Happy that I am hearing and seeing things. Happy that the shutter button of my emotions is clicking.

I am happy to know that I am moving in the right direction. Albeit slow and at times taking a few steps back, I am happy that the one or two steps I do take forward are BIG ones.

With each petal...

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

These days, when ever I talk to anyone about the current state of my life, I get one or all of the following responses:

'Oh your so young! You will do it again!'

'You say that now..'

'I have someone for you.'

and the best

'Online dating!'

To which my response is no.

Regardless, it all gets me thinking. Thinking about taking a chance. Most importantly, taking a chance with love. At this point of my life, I can't take the risk. I hate to look at it like that but I do. I see love (finding it, holding it and hoping it will grow) as far too much of a risk because if (when) it is gone and leaves your heart in pieces, the thought of picking everything up and piecing it all back together is far too much of an arduous task. There are only so many times something can be broken before all of the pieces are just too splintered to fit together as perfectly. It leaves too many holes.

Being the 'hopeless romantic' I am or thought I was, it makes me sad that I am not willing to take the chance but how many times does one want to be beaten with a stick before finally saying no? What really makes me sad is when on nights like tonight when the snowflakes are falling ever so gently from the clouds and the temperatures drop below freezing, all I could think was how wonderful it would be to crawl into bed with someone I love. Where not only does the warmth created by two bodies wrapped around each other keep you warm but the love exploding in the room practically makes you sweat. I found myself talking to someone about that and their answer to me was, 'Just plug the space heater in and go to sleep'. I had no response to that because how do you explain that there isn't a space heater in the world that could replace the love you might feel for someone.

I have heard many times that to feel something like true love is worth taking the risk regardless of whatever comes of it because to have it is like nothing you could ever describe. I wish, I wish I could say that I would do it but the thought frightens the daylights out of me. Perhaps it is done out of fear but for whatever reason, there is a wall. A wall around my already fragile heart that would take an army and sledgehammer to MAYBE get through. Maybe someday, maybe someone will come marching up to my wall and with all they have knock my wall down but I am incredibly PROTECTIVE of my heart and FEARFUL of being hurt that I don't have much faith.

Until then, I will look forward to each spring and all the new petals.