With each petal...

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

These days, when ever I talk to anyone about the current state of my life, I get one or all of the following responses:

'Oh your so young! You will do it again!'

'You say that now..'

'I have someone for you.'

and the best

'Online dating!'

To which my response is no.

Regardless, it all gets me thinking. Thinking about taking a chance. Most importantly, taking a chance with love. At this point of my life, I can't take the risk. I hate to look at it like that but I do. I see love (finding it, holding it and hoping it will grow) as far too much of a risk because if (when) it is gone and leaves your heart in pieces, the thought of picking everything up and piecing it all back together is far too much of an arduous task. There are only so many times something can be broken before all of the pieces are just too splintered to fit together as perfectly. It leaves too many holes.

Being the 'hopeless romantic' I am or thought I was, it makes me sad that I am not willing to take the chance but how many times does one want to be beaten with a stick before finally saying no? What really makes me sad is when on nights like tonight when the snowflakes are falling ever so gently from the clouds and the temperatures drop below freezing, all I could think was how wonderful it would be to crawl into bed with someone I love. Where not only does the warmth created by two bodies wrapped around each other keep you warm but the love exploding in the room practically makes you sweat. I found myself talking to someone about that and their answer to me was, 'Just plug the space heater in and go to sleep'. I had no response to that because how do you explain that there isn't a space heater in the world that could replace the love you might feel for someone.

I have heard many times that to feel something like true love is worth taking the risk regardless of whatever comes of it because to have it is like nothing you could ever describe. I wish, I wish I could say that I would do it but the thought frightens the daylights out of me. Perhaps it is done out of fear but for whatever reason, there is a wall. A wall around my already fragile heart that would take an army and sledgehammer to MAYBE get through. Maybe someday, maybe someone will come marching up to my wall and with all they have knock my wall down but I am incredibly PROTECTIVE of my heart and FEARFUL of being hurt that I don't have much faith.

Until then, I will look forward to each spring and all the new petals.