I miss you, terribly.
There, I said it.
Recently, as I was discussing future careers with my students, I found myself telling them about you and smiling. I felt a surge of happiness and remembered just how proud I am of you and your accomplishments.
Then I closed up.
'Stop it! You can't be proud. Your apart. Done. Finished.'
I had to ask a friend (well multiple, actually) if it was ok. Ok for me to talk about you and still feel all the positive things.
They said yes and I opened up. I allowed myself to feel them but since that day, I can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop imagining everything happening in my life with you in it. Thinking, 'This is what would happen if...' 'This is how my night would go if...' etc. I take naps in 'our' place and as I lie there in my 'spot', I can't help but feel as if something ('er someone') is missing.
I want to say that all of this makes me sad. Well, it does and it doesn't. I am sad that we are at this place (as we have been for quite some time) but I am not sad that we are being true to ourselves. That makes me think, though, is being true to ourselves just something that we need to 'do' for a while and things could be different or is it a permanent state?' Then that leads me to wonder what I am actually missing. Am I missing the comfort of you, of us, of our place in life and I might find that again someday in a different situation or am I missing YOU?
As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I couldn't help but think about how our arms would have been intertwined just so around me.
Something only we could do...
