I have spent the better part of the past few days in tears and had some moments spent in anger as I thought about how much I was (or thought I was) past this stage. I guess I had a relapse. For whatever reason, I don't know. I suppose it could be the intense amount of stress I am under at the moment as I attempt to embark on the journey of 'lead' instructor of a program I am supposed to know something about or the on going drama I have with what used to be the closest relationships I had in my life, etc, etc. Whatever it may be, it all came to a head at the end of this last week and my mind couldn't handle it and therefore it shot out of my body in the form of tears (some yelling and periodic punching at appropriate moments, as well).

It has been mentioned to me recently that I have finally begun to feel. Whatever that means, although maybe they have a point. Since my life has been chaotic for some time now, something seems different. Something has happened that, for me, hasn't happened before.

I felt.

In a recent conversation with a former very close individual in my life, though basic and not long at all, it was full of emotion for me. As the words fell from their mouth and entered my ears, they shot through my body in such a way that I felt them. I felt them in such a way that I never felt before. My relationship with this person has been going through this change for a while but for the first time, I felt it. There is no other way to describe it. My heart broke as the words shot through me. It wasn't anything mean, malicious or hurtful but I heard it for the first time since our relationship ended. I didn't try to either. I suppose it is just the natural course of things or perhaps it is the 'work' I have been doing. I don't know.

What I do know is when you finally feel your heart break, you FEEL it and it doesn't feel good.