No Mama! No!

Today, I was invited to visit friends of mine and their new baby boy. I couldn't have been happier to get the invite and made my way there as soon as I could.

When I got to the hospital, I walked into Mama attempting to feed the newbie. Immediately, I was amazed. I was caught up in just how gentle, loving and sweet she was with him. The sound of her voice as she tried ever so slightly to rouse him from his sleep was like a dreamy lullaby. Her finger tip as she rubbed the tip of his nose ever so gently. I felt the love and bond between mother and baby instantly. I was so taken aback by her ability to BE a mother.

Soon enough, I was holding him. Feeling the light weight of this little one as he rested in the basket of my folded arms. I studied his closed eye lids, his tiny pink lips and perfect black hair. Every so often, he would open his lids and it seemed as if he was looking at me just so. As if he were studying me, letting me know he was on to me about not being his mama or, perhaps, just trying with all his might to do something he has almost never done before. See this new world he has been thrust into and will work his way through for a long time to come.

In my visit and my admiring of her amazing ability, I couldn't help but think about my past attempts to have just the same role in my life. As I sat back and witnessed her cradle the baby next to her (skin to skin, as I was told), I couldn't help but want to be doing that same thing in my life. To be creating that bond with a little one. For a minute, in my life, I think I had that chance. I had, what I thought, was a super loving husband that would have been all the love and support I would have needed to be holding a new life in my arms. The longer I sat there watching this tiny family happen, the love and care exploding in the room and the bonding taking place, the more I had to . . . . eh, doesn't matter.

What does matter is the confirmation I got for myself. I sat and watched with such admiration and I couldn't be happier for what was happening but it also reminded me that..... . . . that I could never do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason that I didn't have a baby in my last situation. I have been told it was because I was with the wrong person but that is not it. Toward the end of my visit as I held him in my arms, I thought about her gentle touch on the tip of his nose or the sweet lulling of her voice as she spoke ever so sweetly to him and I realized that I just don't have that. I don't have the 'gift of mama'. Having babies requires gentleness, sweetness, crazy love (well, that I might be able to have) and the such. I feel as if, regardless of all the babies and experience I might have in my life, I couldn't bond. I just wouldn't know how. I was amazed at the incredible bond I felt instantly, how quickly it seemed to have been happening and how it grew more and more with every touch of her finger on his tiny new nose.

It's ok. You live and you learn. I have a knack for somethings but for the mama thing, I think it is best if I just admire and help where and when I can.

When all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your

hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

- All American Rejects

It is official now. It became official last week when I got the words I have needed to hear for so long. I was hanging on to the need for the words and that was keeping me company. Keeping me from feeling so alone but that puzzle piece has been connected and now that I no longer have a need for them - it is official.

I am alone. Alone.

I no longer have a need to hold on to the past. Only a need to move on into my future. I was using my need for the words as an excuse. A reason to keep me from moving on and really starting my life again. I have no excuse now. I heard what I needed to hear.

My only question now is - how? How do I do this whole 'moving on' thing? Do I throw my important belongings in a sack, tie it to a stick and start walking or do I go to sleep one night in hopes that when the sun rises the next morning I will have 'moved on'? What does it really mean, anyway? I mean, I know that it means I am leaving my past, well, in the past but there must be a bigger meaning. Eh, maybe not. Maybe I am just asking far too many questions. Not unlike me, trust me.

I have been told that it is a gradual process. One that happens as it should and over time. Kind of like my heads up penny habit. I never know when I will come across one but it seems to happen when it should and in time.

Here's hopin' every heads up penny is moving me in the right direction.