Quiet Acid

I know that as time passes and we age, there are a lot of lessons learned or at least supposed to be. Over the past few years, I have definitely had my share of lessons learned. Most of them being at the cost of a broken heart, shed tears and raging anger.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that Love, real, true and honest love, is quiet. Strong, incredibly strong, but quiet. That, right there and for me, is one of the best lessons I have come across and one of the strongest.

I grew up in a household that was incredibly tumultuous. The moments I witnessed should have led me down a horrible path. Instead I took everything and decided that I wanted the complete opposite. I may not have known it at the time but over the years, I realized what I will and will not accept in my life. I watched as my mother stayed around as my father 'forced' her to stay. Gave her no choice and demanded that it was his way or no way. The things he did to her are not things one will easily forget. At least not me. I was incredibly frightened and cried as my sister was told who was boss in one of the worst way I could imagine. I spent so many days and nights listening to the yelling and swearing realizing that is my life and at some point thinking it was a 'normal' way to live.

Coming from this, I think I wanted someone to 'save' me. I didn't feel like I was cared for, that I was wanted or more importantly, that I was loved. So, I decided, I would go outside of the craziness and look for all of that in the arms of someone else. Finally, when I was 22, I skipped for many days as I thought that I found it. In the days and weeks to come, I went about telling everyone. My mother, my father. Everyone. 'He is wonderful'. 'He did this, that and the other thing' 'He lives in Brooklyn...'. I 'fell' for him almost instantly. I thought that what I found was perfect and I needed to let everyone know that. Instead, I think it was my out. My way of telling everyone that I am above the outrageous BS. I have found the perfect person. My perfect life raft. It was my way of being noticed and at the same time I was cared for, wanted and loved.

For a while, it was perfect. It was amazing and gave me the most amazing smile every damn day. I was so happy that I found the opposite of everyone I knew and I needed to let every one know it. I was dancing on a cloud. It happened and I was done with the life I thought was normal.

Eventually, the foundation my relationship was built on began to shake and I started to see things. Fear started to set in as I saw my future happen in just the way I wanted to move away from. At those moments, I should have just spoken up. Instead, I acted out. I was afraid. Terribly afraid to admit that I was scared. My future was written and I was determined to change it. I did. I did in the only way I knew (know) how. I ran. I ran emotionally.

I did what my mother couldn't do. I couldn't and wouldn't try to convince myself to stay and why I would do so.

I didn't want it and I still don't.

I thought about living in someone else's world. Under someone else's rules, ideas or thoughts.

I ran and eventually caused the demise. My part of it at least.

Now here I am, doing my own personal therapy and as I type each and every word, I periodically lift a hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks as I think about where I came from, what I have gone through and where I am now. I have learned a lot over the past few years.

A lot.

I have talked a lot. Listened a ton and thought more than anyone probably does in a lifetime.

That is how I have come to realize that true, all consuming love is quiet. It doesn't need to be broadcast. It doesn't get put on a billboard or yelled from a rooftop. It is between two people. It is written in the stare as they lie in bed at night. It is in the touch of skin as they hug or make love. It is in the connection of mind as they learn (know) about each other. It is there. Between them. No one else. That is what I have come to learn. That is what I have come to know. No need to broadcast. People see the connection. It is so strong people feel it and no one talks about it. They just know. It is true, real and incredible.

I haven't had that yet in my life. I loved him. I still love him. Why? I love him because he is a good person. He is an honest person and he is true. I want only the best for him and I know he will be happy with his life as he goes on but there was no connection. We had to let everyone know about us and that's not it.

Should I find the quiet in my life, I know I will be happy. Should I not, I will be happy then too. I will not compromise my happiness for the sake of what people think.

For the sake of a 'broadcast for approval'.

As I type, I need quiet. The quiet of my thoughts. A quiet connection.

I want the quiet.