Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I still don't know if it is 'with age comes wisdom' or if it is more like 'with enough frustration comes exhaustion and done with that' but either way I have been hearing and seeing some things very clearly these days.

I am the type of person who does not take advice easily. I will shut up and listen to it at times knowing that I will not follow it and try my best to 'do my own thing' yet other times I will verbally fight it. However, I have been trying to listen and take the advice I have been given in hope that it is what I need to lessen the anger and frustration I experience on what seems like a daily basis. So, lately I have woven it into my life and turned the hope dial up a few notches. Unfortunately, even with following the advice, I have been left in a state of disappointment, again. Why? I have no idea.

So. Back to trying my own way. Again.

Or so I thought.

In the midst of my frustration and exhaustion, I realized that I left the 'listening' dial on high. I have been hearing things that might have been said to me in the past but because of my determination to be 'right' I never heard (or seen) these things.

Recently, I have heard...

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I heard them. I am hearing (and seeing) them. Surprisingly, I feel better. Maybe it is exhaustion. Exhaustion from the crying or what have you but I get it. Something clicked.

Is clicking.

Today, I saw some things change and instead of getting crazy, crying and possibly other things, I smiled, sat back and said 'ok'. It is the natural course of things. The natural course of the state of things. I knew it would happen. Am I sad that it is happening at all? Yes but I am happy that it is happening now instead of a while back when I really was crumbling piece by piece. Back when I would have really just been a pile of myself being the result of serious heartache, anger, sadness made possible by what seemed like never ending tears and screaming. When I think my emotional life is bad now, I think back to a year ago when the thought of anything would have made me cry or hit something.

That gives me hope and makes me happy. Happy that I am hearing and seeing things. Happy that the shutter button of my emotions is clicking.

I am happy to know that I am moving in the right direction. Albeit slow and at times taking a few steps back, I am happy that the one or two steps I do take forward are BIG ones.