The dress, the requests and our hands

'In just over a day, I will hold your hands in mine and promise to be true to you as..'

Today, I think about that day, that moment and your smile. About the promises, the happiness and the nerves.

Today, my heart hurts as I think about how WE couldn't make it. About the promises, the sadness and the NEW nerves.

It's been a while but yet such a short time. It's a strange place I am in now. Wondering what I could have done different to 'make it work'. What I could have done different to make you want to stay. What I could have done different to keep the smile on your face. At the same time, I know what I could have done different and it wouldn't have kept the smile on my face.

I feel like a failure, still.

Five years ago, at this very moment, as the dress hung waiting for my body to fill it, I remember a sense of calm when, actually, I think now my nerves were in a tailspin. I chalked it up to being 'normal' for what I was about to embark on. Thinking the nerves would calm after the words were spoken. They never did. I asked you to 'bear' with me as I attempted to deal with them. I asked too much. That I know as I can only ever speak for myself.

I am sorry for being a failure, on my end.

If I could take back all that I did to you, I would, in a second. If I could just be honest with my nerves and tell you five years ago that holding your hands and making promises scared me more than I should have been, I would, in a second but I was too scared to do so.

I am no longer scared, to be honest.