Holding on.

Last night, I found myself saying 'That is what I am supposed to be doing and that is what my life should be.' I would like to know where I got those thoughts from, who poured them in to my brain or why I am still thinking them.

Not for nothing but maybe what should or supposed to be is just what is happening. Maybe?

Now remember, I don't know, evidently. Everyone else does.

Really?? Fuck that.

I know that I am holding on to my old life. I get that. I know that I feel like a failure because I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be doing or how I was supposed to be living my life but I have to remember that I wasn't living for me. I was living for everyone else and that has a shelf life. Now I am searching for the sledge hammer, a big one to be exact. One that can take out that shelf and all it's contents in one quick whack because that is no longer the way of my life. At the same time, I wish I had a switch. One that I can flip and make all of this done in a much quicker and simpler way. Where do they stock those and can I buy them in bulk?

I am realizing (albeit slowly) that I am doing EXACTLY what I should be doing with my life. I am living for me because at the end of the day, I am the one I need to answer to, I am the one who is going to sleep with me at night and I am the one waking up with me in the morning. So when I take a look at myself in the mirror and stare at my reflection, I want to see a smile staring back at me. A real, true smile and know that I am doing what I should and am supposed to be doing while I let go of my old life and grab a hold of my new.