Hurt

Let me ask you - have you ever been hurt by someone so bad that no matter how much you scream or punch there is no getting rid of it? Have you ever been brought to tears at just the thought of them?

I can say I have and I hate it. I often think about being given the opportunity to confront them, to look them in the face and tell them how much they left me with, how much emotional pain they have put me through and how many tears I have shed over the situation. Then I realize, there is no point. Someone like that doesn't care. Anyone who can cause that much pain, only cares about their own well being. Making sure that, at the end of they day, they are 'ok'. They don't care that I keep photos around and stare at them from time to time. They don't care how much I cry to my friends and talk about the care I still have for them. They don't put a moments thought in to my being left behind to clean up the emotional mess. What do they have to worry about? They, pretty much, got out of this unscathed.

Then I begin to wonder, is being hurt a choice? Is it a decision? Am I choosing to feel as if a knife is being dragged across my chest every time I think about it?

If it is, I need to change my decision. I need to take care of me. I need to get out of this as unscathed as they did. If they can, why can't I?

I have been told, recently, that I have a good heart. That I am good person. If that is true, I don't want to be. In an attempt to not be, I am putting it away. I am putting them away. Out of my immediate life. In a box. Covered up. Behind closed doors and away from my immediate view and immediate thoughts.

I want to be unscathed. Just like you.