Please.

I don't think you get it.

I barely do.

Your lips on my neck put me out of control.

Though I try to keep it.

In control.

I really want to grab you.

Hold you.

Pretend I can.

I can't stop thinking about you.

About it and about the moment.

The moment your hands land on me.

Move all over me.

Grab me.

Hold me down.

Not pretending.

I can't control myself.

My insides and my outsides.

I just want your hands grabbing me.

Your lips all over me.

Where ever. When ever. However.

Just the way you know.

I love it.

That you know how and when I want it.

That, alone, is amazing.

You get it.

Your breath alone and close to me just before your lips land,

makes me explode in the only way I know how when your around.

I think about it.

All of it.

I stare at what is left and think about how it would be used.

By you. On me.

Makes me hot and excited.

At that moment (and every other),

I take it, touch myself and when I am done,

I put it away.

In a box and try not to think about you,

on me.

Your eyes staring at me and bringing me to a whole other level.

The moment your inside me and the connection is something I can't get out of my head.

I must.

I must stop thinking about the first moment.

The first tip of the moment.

I try.

To find the box.

I can't reach it nor do I want to.

I just want you.

All of you on me.

Then reality hits.

Quiet Acid

I know that as time passes and we age, there are a lot of lessons learned or at least supposed to be. Over the past few years, I have definitely had my share of lessons learned. Most of them being at the cost of a broken heart, shed tears and raging anger.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that Love, real, true and honest love, is quiet. Strong, incredibly strong, but quiet. That, right there and for me, is one of the best lessons I have come across and one of the strongest.

I grew up in a household that was incredibly tumultuous. The moments I witnessed should have led me down a horrible path. Instead I took everything and decided that I wanted the complete opposite. I may not have known it at the time but over the years, I realized what I will and will not accept in my life. I watched as my mother stayed around as my father 'forced' her to stay. Gave her no choice and demanded that it was his way or no way. The things he did to her are not things one will easily forget. At least not me. I was incredibly frightened and cried as my sister was told who was boss in one of the worst way I could imagine. I spent so many days and nights listening to the yelling and swearing realizing that is my life and at some point thinking it was a 'normal' way to live.

Coming from this, I think I wanted someone to 'save' me. I didn't feel like I was cared for, that I was wanted or more importantly, that I was loved. So, I decided, I would go outside of the craziness and look for all of that in the arms of someone else. Finally, when I was 22, I skipped for many days as I thought that I found it. In the days and weeks to come, I went about telling everyone. My mother, my father. Everyone. 'He is wonderful'. 'He did this, that and the other thing' 'He lives in Brooklyn...'. I 'fell' for him almost instantly. I thought that what I found was perfect and I needed to let everyone know that. Instead, I think it was my out. My way of telling everyone that I am above the outrageous BS. I have found the perfect person. My perfect life raft. It was my way of being noticed and at the same time I was cared for, wanted and loved.

For a while, it was perfect. It was amazing and gave me the most amazing smile every damn day. I was so happy that I found the opposite of everyone I knew and I needed to let every one know it. I was dancing on a cloud. It happened and I was done with the life I thought was normal.

Eventually, the foundation my relationship was built on began to shake and I started to see things. Fear started to set in as I saw my future happen in just the way I wanted to move away from. At those moments, I should have just spoken up. Instead, I acted out. I was afraid. Terribly afraid to admit that I was scared. My future was written and I was determined to change it. I did. I did in the only way I knew (know) how. I ran. I ran emotionally.

I did what my mother couldn't do. I couldn't and wouldn't try to convince myself to stay and why I would do so.

I didn't want it and I still don't.

I thought about living in someone else's world. Under someone else's rules, ideas or thoughts.

I ran and eventually caused the demise. My part of it at least.

Now here I am, doing my own personal therapy and as I type each and every word, I periodically lift a hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks as I think about where I came from, what I have gone through and where I am now. I have learned a lot over the past few years.

A lot.

I have talked a lot. Listened a ton and thought more than anyone probably does in a lifetime.

That is how I have come to realize that true, all consuming love is quiet. It doesn't need to be broadcast. It doesn't get put on a billboard or yelled from a rooftop. It is between two people. It is written in the stare as they lie in bed at night. It is in the touch of skin as they hug or make love. It is in the connection of mind as they learn (know) about each other. It is there. Between them. No one else. That is what I have come to learn. That is what I have come to know. No need to broadcast. People see the connection. It is so strong people feel it and no one talks about it. They just know. It is true, real and incredible.

I haven't had that yet in my life. I loved him. I still love him. Why? I love him because he is a good person. He is an honest person and he is true. I want only the best for him and I know he will be happy with his life as he goes on but there was no connection. We had to let everyone know about us and that's not it.

Should I find the quiet in my life, I know I will be happy. Should I not, I will be happy then too. I will not compromise my happiness for the sake of what people think.

For the sake of a 'broadcast for approval'.

As I type, I need quiet. The quiet of my thoughts. A quiet connection.

I want the quiet.

Ok, I am just going to say it. I thought about how and I thought about when. I thought about you and I thought about me. About this and about where.

And here I am. Telling you in the only way I know how. I hope you hear me. I hope you see, that I still have you. I still hold you so incredibly close to me. To my heart. To my self. I wish I had you here, to hold your hand. To look at you and tell you how much I care about you. How much I love you and how much I would give anything to help you find another way through your troubles. There is not a week, a few days or a day that passes by me that I don't think about you. I don't think about the days we had, the smiles you gave me or the frustration I feel that I am here and you are there. After all this time, I still wish I could have helped you. I wish I could have run to you at that moment, looked you in the face just as you did me and remind you that no matter what else is happening, I would be there for you. I would hold your hand. I would hug you and above everything, I would tell you how much I love you and how if you did ANYTHING to yourself, no one else would matter but you and me and I would be so upset with you. When you spoke those words to me, I needed nothing else. I saw the sincerity in your eyes and the anger at my thoughts. I saw the strength in your words and the care in your hug. If only I knew what was to come.

When I think about the, what seems like, little time we had together, I wonder if there were signs. Moments that I should have seen you and what you needed. I wonder if there is something I missed. Then I realize, that is hopeless. I wish I had you here with me so I could say this all to your face. I don't and for all these years, I have wanted nothing else but that. To tell you everything. Most importantly, to tell you that I forgive you.

I am starting to see your path and your struggle. I hate to think that was your path. I hate to think you were alone.

Each and every time I think of you and the time we had, so many things come to me. I think about the endless days that you made magical, I think about the ideas you brought to life, the frowns you turned to smiles and the giggles to made into roaring laughter. I also think about the time you made me feel as if it was me and you against the world. That moment is in my mind and I struggle to understand why you did that to me. What you were trying to say, if anything. I was young and you were young. We were both trying to grow and figure this all out. That has been the justification I have given it. I can't, at all, think that you meant to be malicious or controlling. I just don't see you in that light. You were my cousin, my friend. Perhaps, at some point, I will come to understand what happened in those moments. You made it so, I can never be good enough for anything but. That makes me sad and I hate that thought more than anything I could ever express to you. Even still, I want to be angry with you. I want to hate you and see you as a bad person but I can't. I refuse. I want to keep you as the magic making, amazing person you were (are) to me.

For so long, I have been attempting to find an alternate route to 'fix' myself but I am coming to realize that in order to find the flowers, I must travel through the weeds. The ugly, overgrown weeds. I don't like thought and it frightens me uncontrollably. I am so afraid it might mean I need to let you go but I am trying to be reassured that is not what it means.

At this moments, I am looking for my rake.

I love you and I miss you but I am trying to understand.

'I am not RE-inventing anything. I am INVENTING something'

To invent means to envision and create. To think and build. To bring something new to a world of old. The idea of doing that is amazing. To think that you might add to a world where there is something for everything and everything for something is an incredible thought to me. It isn't as if this is Edison's time and the light bulb that was discovered decades earlier was being perfected, shedding light on the vastness of what the future of invention held. This is now.

This is me.

I might think of myself as a version of an inventor these days. I am imagining taking myself apart, piece by piece, laying each section in front of me and reassembling. I feel, as if, somewhere along the line or as I was being pulled from my mother, things were shifted. Thereby causing the future to require much more in the way of learning and seeing. Sometimes not making it through at all and losing any possibility of anything. That thought pains me. I think of everything I could have done, should have done or didn't do. I think of all the things I could have heard, should have heard or didn't hear. I want to make that different now.

The questions still remains. How do I go about reassembling. I wonder if when Edison came across the already discovered bulb, he knew exactly what he would do and went about it without hesitation. I wonder if he took one look at it and thought, 'This goes here and that goes there. I'll add this' and so on. Maybe he did and maybe he asked for opinions. I'll never know. What I will know (hopefully) is the steps in my invention. My invention of reassemble.

Now, back to me. As always..

This is a huge task I am putting on myself. Here I am at a point in my life that I feel I should have been, maybe not completely but for some parts, 10 years ago. I could go crazy. I could be angry, curl up and cry or scream uncontrollably but those actions have gotten me no where but here sitting in a somewhat comfortable position typing the thoughts in my head on the screen. In no way will they take apart the puzzle of me and fit the pieces back together as they should be. If I went on by that long enough, the pieces will crumble.

So? The the question begs.

HOW??

Where is the screwdriver? Where is the pliers? Where is the hammer, the wrench or the saw??

Where are the tools?

If I go long enough, maybe the tools will just appear or maybe they are under this hood marked 'STRONG'.

Today, the snow fell and it will forever make me feel like a child.

For me, it is one of the most amazing things I love to see happen. I puts me somewhere. Somewhere where things aren't crazy. The world quiets down for a while and innocence re-enters my life.

I went for a walk today and all I wanted to do was build a snowman, a fort or have a simple snowball fight. My mind wasn't on my debt, my current state or anything there about. It was clear and it was perfect. As I picked each foot up over and over and caught flakes as they landed on my tongue, I trudged through the snow and never, at any moment, did it seem like work. I was a kid again.

As I pulled my camera out to make pictures of the scene I was trying not to disturb, I melted into it. I sat down. Laying down, even. Not worrying about the fact that my cotton pants were slipping off my waist and the snow found its way down. I just did it and it was perfect. To watch the snow fall and land from a new angle removes all stress, anxiety and unhappiness you might be experiencing. Again, I was a kid.

When I returned back to the house, I brought with me a huge smile. I couldn't remove it. I literally just wanted to find someone to come out and play in the snow with me. Someone who wants to, for a moment, experience the possibility of the snowfall. I am sure that I will have a day where I could grab a hand and say 'let's go!' without any hesitation on their part. I might be 60 when it happens but I have a feeling it will happen. Don't know how, just do. It's one of those things, I suppose.

Unfortunately, as a few hours passed, cruddy thoughts slowly managed to show their face again. Some new and, of course, some old but they made their way in there. Reality (I hate that word) is that they are there and I must deal but as they worked their way in, I stared to the window and couldn't help but try to fixate on the inches of snow delicately landing and building up on the thin branches of the tree just outside. If I could have that view to fixate on all year, I might not need my weekly 'cry about my life' appointments. I could just look and imagine being a kid again where the snow on the ground made everything ok. Everything perfect.

I don't know what it is but the snow does something else for me. As I experience it and it brings me back to innocent times, it also melts my wall. Though momentarily, it takes away the block that I carry with me constantly and makes me feel lighter. Perhaps that is how I so easily go back to being a kid. There is no weight to bear for the moment. I can just be. Just stare and not think. Not worry. Not care. Of course, this is only as I am living in the snow world. Only for those moments. When all is said and done in the frozen scene, though the smile is wide across my face the wall comes right back.

I am so happy it does.

'Can you hear me now??'

'How 'bout now??'

This past summer, I spent a good portion of it teaching a course to high school students. Before I started the course, I was nervous. I had never taught in that capacity and the idea of me being in that position frightened me but something in me was ready for the challenge. So I started the gig.

As the days went on, my nerves calmed and I felt what I was there to do. In my head, at least. I grabbed that bull by the horns and ran with it. I don't know what happened but all of sudden my head was flooded with ideas, lessons and various instruction. I was on a roll and loving it. The funny thing was that I didn't know how much I was loving it until the day came of our final show. I stood back, checked out the end product of all the hard work over the previous 4 weeks and was more proud than anything in my world. Even more proud than any of my own shows. It was as if I birthed this work and it was well on it's way to full maturity taking the high road to get there. I was beyond elated.

With that, I said goodbye to my students, wished them an awesome time on the remaining weeks of summer and sent them on their way hoping (above all hope) that I did a good job.

Soon enough, I received messages from a few students that helped to reassure me that I might have done a good job or made some sort of impact on them. At those moments, the happiness that I felt on the day of our last show came back to me ten-fold. I found myself smiling, giggling and in such high spirits. It was awesome.

Today, I received a message from another student who, in her message said, 'I was really nervous and I took your advice from the summer and the photos came out amazing'. Are you kidding me??!! I couldn't tell you what that did for me. That was the best thing that I could imagine hearing at this point in my life. I don't know what exactly I told her or what she remembered but whatever it was, I am so happy that I spoke. That I taught.

I know that when I was in school, there were many things that I heard but only a few things stuck. Since my time in school, the few things that stuck with me, I use in my life all the time. They are only a few things but they help me make decisions, calm me, reassure me, inspire me and the such.

To think that I might have said something to someone where it might do the same for them over time is one of the most incredible things I could imagine.

To think I had some sort of impact is out of this world.

The tree has been decorated, cookies have been baked, the cash spent and gifts wrapped. Another Christmas has come and gone and like other years, despite what state my life is in, I was determined to spend it just the way I have almost my entire life.

I did and it was the same - for the most part. As I get older and things change, I have been learning and trying to put anything that doesn't seem to fit out the door. Do I always do it? No. Do I for sure make an attempt? Hell yes! Am I successful all the time?? The jury is still out.

Ok, so now Santa is another year older, a few more pounds have been added to everyones frame and the 'once a year' china has been packed away not to be seen again for 12 months.

That leaves only one thing . . NEW YEARS!

Last year at just about this time, I was standing in a bar visiting a friend of mine who was playing with his band. In an effort to not concentrate on the mess that was my 2009, I watched as the clock counted down the minutes (then seconds) until 2010. In that time, I made small talk with the bartender even offering to be his help and poured the champagne that was inhaled just a few minutes later. I had such high hopes for the next 12 months.

Now I think that was the alcohol talking.

So, here I am one year later only this time, I have learned a lesson - forgo the hope and just do. Spending too much time on this 'hope' thing seems to take away from the doing and earning. The happening and being. The must and as is.

I decided this year, as I plan to watch the clock count down to the last seconds of 2010, I am just going to smile. Not hope, not plan, not anything. Basically, I am going to wrap up 2010 with a happy thought and open up 2011 with the same thought.

I will just be for the time being. Here's hopin'.

Happy Fuckin' New Year.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I still don't know if it is 'with age comes wisdom' or if it is more like 'with enough frustration comes exhaustion and done with that' but either way I have been hearing and seeing some things very clearly these days.

I am the type of person who does not take advice easily. I will shut up and listen to it at times knowing that I will not follow it and try my best to 'do my own thing' yet other times I will verbally fight it. However, I have been trying to listen and take the advice I have been given in hope that it is what I need to lessen the anger and frustration I experience on what seems like a daily basis. So, lately I have woven it into my life and turned the hope dial up a few notches. Unfortunately, even with following the advice, I have been left in a state of disappointment, again. Why? I have no idea.

So. Back to trying my own way. Again.

Or so I thought.

In the midst of my frustration and exhaustion, I realized that I left the 'listening' dial on high. I have been hearing things that might have been said to me in the past but because of my determination to be 'right' I never heard (or seen) these things.

Recently, I have heard...

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I heard them. I am hearing (and seeing) them. Surprisingly, I feel better. Maybe it is exhaustion. Exhaustion from the crying or what have you but I get it. Something clicked.

Is clicking.

Today, I saw some things change and instead of getting crazy, crying and possibly other things, I smiled, sat back and said 'ok'. It is the natural course of things. The natural course of the state of things. I knew it would happen. Am I sad that it is happening at all? Yes but I am happy that it is happening now instead of a while back when I really was crumbling piece by piece. Back when I would have really just been a pile of myself being the result of serious heartache, anger, sadness made possible by what seemed like never ending tears and screaming. When I think my emotional life is bad now, I think back to a year ago when the thought of anything would have made me cry or hit something.

That gives me hope and makes me happy. Happy that I am hearing and seeing things. Happy that the shutter button of my emotions is clicking.

I am happy to know that I am moving in the right direction. Albeit slow and at times taking a few steps back, I am happy that the one or two steps I do take forward are BIG ones.

With each petal...

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

These days, when ever I talk to anyone about the current state of my life, I get one or all of the following responses:

'Oh your so young! You will do it again!'

'You say that now..'

'I have someone for you.'

and the best

'Online dating!'

To which my response is no.

Regardless, it all gets me thinking. Thinking about taking a chance. Most importantly, taking a chance with love. At this point of my life, I can't take the risk. I hate to look at it like that but I do. I see love (finding it, holding it and hoping it will grow) as far too much of a risk because if (when) it is gone and leaves your heart in pieces, the thought of picking everything up and piecing it all back together is far too much of an arduous task. There are only so many times something can be broken before all of the pieces are just too splintered to fit together as perfectly. It leaves too many holes.

Being the 'hopeless romantic' I am or thought I was, it makes me sad that I am not willing to take the chance but how many times does one want to be beaten with a stick before finally saying no? What really makes me sad is when on nights like tonight when the snowflakes are falling ever so gently from the clouds and the temperatures drop below freezing, all I could think was how wonderful it would be to crawl into bed with someone I love. Where not only does the warmth created by two bodies wrapped around each other keep you warm but the love exploding in the room practically makes you sweat. I found myself talking to someone about that and their answer to me was, 'Just plug the space heater in and go to sleep'. I had no response to that because how do you explain that there isn't a space heater in the world that could replace the love you might feel for someone.

I have heard many times that to feel something like true love is worth taking the risk regardless of whatever comes of it because to have it is like nothing you could ever describe. I wish, I wish I could say that I would do it but the thought frightens the daylights out of me. Perhaps it is done out of fear but for whatever reason, there is a wall. A wall around my already fragile heart that would take an army and sledgehammer to MAYBE get through. Maybe someday, maybe someone will come marching up to my wall and with all they have knock my wall down but I am incredibly PROTECTIVE of my heart and FEARFUL of being hurt that I don't have much faith.

Until then, I will look forward to each spring and all the new petals.

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me - Bic Runga

I often wish I had a crystal ball to tell the future. I wish I knew where every step I took was going to take me. I wish I knew how every decision I make was going to turn out.

I don't.

If I did, I would make sure to choose only the relationships and situations that would bring nothing but happiness and positive energy to my life.

Recently, as I listened to the reasons behind why maybe not to choose certain things due to the blind uncertainty of it all, I remember thinking (and saying) 'Isn't that what you do with every relationship you choose to enter?'

You never know. You never know the turns up head, the inclines and steep slopes. The flat terrain or sudden rain storms surrounded (hopefully) by sunny days. Basically, you enter into it with high hopes and maybe some caution depending on where you have come from.

Sometimes, relationships don't start out by choice. They are set there for you as you begin this thing called life. However, over time, as you learn more about them you may or may not decide to keep them as part of you hoping, in turn, you are making the right decision. After all, you have no way of knowing for sure. Just feeling.

At the moment one of the most important people in my life decided to do something they felt was the best for them at the moment they made it, I had no idea that is where our relationship would go. It tore through me (and still does) based on what I thought we had. I went into the future assuming it would always be that way if not better. They would always be there and until then, there was no second thought about it.

I grew, they grew, things changed and I am still trying to understand.

When I made the decision to start one of the most significant of relationships of my life, I never thought that I would be sitting here at this moment typing while in the midst of one of the hardest and uncertain times of my life. I do remember promising to stick with it through thick or thin no matter what was placed in our path. I also remember telling them that they were 'stuck with me'. Though being humorous, it was my way of admitting to myself that I was making one of the biggest decisions of my life and being 'ok' with it.

When I made the promise to be with them forever, I had know idea what the future held. I just held their hand, smiled and said 'Here we go!'. I was doing it blindly but I like to think it was also with hope.

Little did I know.

I changed, they changed, the relationship changed and drown in the storm.

Based on this, I am burned but I want to still have hope that something is going to work out. That even though I don't know how things will unfold, maybe, something will stick. I will be someones somebody. So not only when the smiles happen but the frustration builds, anger burns or sadness flows, they will know by the look in my eyes that with every bit of my being the strength of my hand as I wrap it around theirs will never, ever waver.