And here I am. Telling you in the only way I know how. I hope you hear me. I hope you see, that I still have you. I still hold you so incredibly close to me. To my heart. To my self. I wish I had you here, to hold your hand. To look at you and tell you how much I care about you. How much I love you and how much I would give anything to help you find another way through your troubles. There is not a week, a few days or a day that passes by me that I don't think about you. I don't think about the days we had, the smiles you gave me or the frustration I feel that I am here and you are there. After all this time, I still wish I could have helped you. I wish I could have run to you at that moment, looked you in the face just as you did me and remind you that no matter what else is happening, I would be there for you. I would hold your hand. I would hug you and above everything, I would tell you how much I love you and how if you did ANYTHING to yourself, no one else would matter but you and me and I would be so upset with you. When you spoke those words to me, I needed nothing else. I saw the sincerity in your eyes and the anger at my thoughts. I saw the strength in your words and the care in your hug. If only I knew what was to come.
When I think about the, what seems like, little time we had together, I wonder if there were signs. Moments that I should have seen you and what you needed. I wonder if there is something I missed. Then I realize, that is hopeless. I wish I had you here with me so I could say this all to your face. I don't and for all these years, I have wanted nothing else but that. To tell you everything. Most importantly, to tell you that I forgive you.
I am starting to see your path and your struggle. I hate to think that was your path. I hate to think you were alone.
Each and every time I think of you and the time we had, so many things come to me. I think about the endless days that you made magical, I think about the ideas you brought to life, the frowns you turned to smiles and the giggles to made into roaring laughter. I also think about the time you made me feel as if it was me and you against the world. That moment is in my mind and I struggle to understand why you did that to me. What you were trying to say, if anything. I was young and you were young. We were both trying to grow and figure this all out. That has been the justification I have given it. I can't, at all, think that you meant to be malicious or controlling. I just don't see you in that light. You were my cousin, my friend. Perhaps, at some point, I will come to understand what happened in those moments. You made it so, I can never be good enough for anything but. That makes me sad and I hate that thought more than anything I could ever express to you. Even still, I want to be angry with you. I want to hate you and see you as a bad person but I can't. I refuse. I want to keep you as the magic making, amazing person you were (are) to me.
For so long, I have been attempting to find an alternate route to 'fix' myself but I am coming to realize that in order to find the flowers, I must travel through the weeds. The ugly, overgrown weeds. I don't like thought and it frightens me uncontrollably. I am so afraid it might mean I need to let you go but I am trying to be reassured that is not what it means.
At this moments, I am looking for my rake.
I love you and I miss you but I am trying to understand.
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