My Partner

I have my share of favorite things in my life, as I am sure everyone does. Favorite foods, books, seasons, activities, movies and what have you. Within all those things I know I have favorite parts, like in the movies. In each of my movies, there is a moment (albeit scripted) that takes my breath away each and every time I see it. I know when it is going to happen, what is going to happen and who it is going to happen with yet every time I see it, I need to see every second of it so I can feel just as I have every other time. Amazing.

At the same time, I have my favorite people. At this point in my life, I have one who, in the time I had with them, gave me some of the most amazing moments I carry with me today. Lately, I am working on my emotions regarding not having them with me anymore. Some how, some where along the line, I told myself that because they are gone, I no longer have them. They have left me. Alone. By myself. No more moments. Recently, however, I was told that may not be true but I fought it. I fought it because I convinced myself that if I couldn't have them just the way I wanted them (here with me, having fun, making memories) then I can't have them at all. I just need to accept, move on and attempt to find someone (perhaps myself) who can give me amazing moments.

Not true or so I am realizing. As many tears as that may bring . .

'Why don't you talk to them?'

'That is ridiculous! Talk to them? I can't. They can't answer me back like I want. They can't hug me the way I need from them or tell me they love me, they care about me or anything!'

'Perhaps they are talking to you. You just need to be more willing to understand the language. The message'

Damn . .

This past week, I expressed how much I am certain that if they were still here with me, we would be closer than anything. They would be all that I need to tackle this world. I would know that I have a hand to hold, a hug to receive or a smile to see and that is all I would ever need as I go where ever life takes me or who I take it with. They would be my comfort zone. My amazing comfort zone. With these thoughts, I think I have been warming up to the idea that I might be able to 'talk' to them in hopes that I could get something in return. At the same time, I have kept my guard up and my hopes down.

Until a penny crossed my path.

I know that I have people in my life who get me. Those who, surprisingly, understand me and my wacky tendencies or behavior.

Very few times in my life have there been moments that I can say for certain have been amazing let alone taken my breath away but just a few days ago, I had one. I can't get it out of my mind but the more that I think about it, the more I know it was them letting me know that they are here for me. Perhaps here for me with the help of such a strong connection. As I listened, worked to gather myself and tried hard to keep the tears at bay, I begged that what I was hearing was true as I couldn't handle it otherwise. For a moment, I danced between standing and sitting, breathing and holding as I was in utter amazement of what I had just heard.

'Please don't be lying to me. Please!' is all I remember saying. A few times over.

I was promised they were real.

They were confirming that they are still my partner in crime, my hand to hold, my hug to receive and my smile to see.

Just a different setup.

AMAZING.

For one hour, once a week, I make my way to the same seat I have been taking for some time now where I try to figure out my past, present and future. As much as talking things out has saved me from complete, irreversible insanity, I would not be able to do anything if I didn't write.

Writing is my true therapy. I have been doing it my entire life. I write for calm. I write to think but most importantly - I write to breathe. Each time I do, I feel what seems like a physical release leave my head and make it's way to the paper through my hand. So when my head is full and I can't find the words, it is more frustrating than anything I could imagine. I have to get it out. I need the release.

That brings me to the last few days. The urge to take the thoughts from my mind, put them to paper and breathe again has been so intense. However, each time I have attempted to write, the more frustrated I have become. The words won't come out and I haven't been able to figure out why. It is as if there is a clog of some sort and my thoughts are just swimming around waiting for repair so they can flow.

Until now.

I try to pay attention, in my life, to the 'little' things and twice today it happened. I heard it and it was the repair I was waiting for to get things flowing again. I looked up someone else's words that are amazing to me and as I read through them (yet again) I felt everything open up. I felt lighter and calmer. The words, in just the way they are organized and I love (get) so very much, spoke to me. I heard.

Someone knows it's hard to keep an open heart. When even friends seem out to harm me.

But if I can heal a broken heart. Wouldn't time be out to charm me?

I don't know but what I am starting to realize is that Don't ya think that you need somebody? Don't ya think that you need someone? Everybody needs somebody.

I am just happy that somebody was listening on shuffle.

No Mama! No!

Today, I was invited to visit friends of mine and their new baby boy. I couldn't have been happier to get the invite and made my way there as soon as I could.

When I got to the hospital, I walked into Mama attempting to feed the newbie. Immediately, I was amazed. I was caught up in just how gentle, loving and sweet she was with him. The sound of her voice as she tried ever so slightly to rouse him from his sleep was like a dreamy lullaby. Her finger tip as she rubbed the tip of his nose ever so gently. I felt the love and bond between mother and baby instantly. I was so taken aback by her ability to BE a mother.

Soon enough, I was holding him. Feeling the light weight of this little one as he rested in the basket of my folded arms. I studied his closed eye lids, his tiny pink lips and perfect black hair. Every so often, he would open his lids and it seemed as if he was looking at me just so. As if he were studying me, letting me know he was on to me about not being his mama or, perhaps, just trying with all his might to do something he has almost never done before. See this new world he has been thrust into and will work his way through for a long time to come.

In my visit and my admiring of her amazing ability, I couldn't help but think about my past attempts to have just the same role in my life. As I sat back and witnessed her cradle the baby next to her (skin to skin, as I was told), I couldn't help but want to be doing that same thing in my life. To be creating that bond with a little one. For a minute, in my life, I think I had that chance. I had, what I thought, was a super loving husband that would have been all the love and support I would have needed to be holding a new life in my arms. The longer I sat there watching this tiny family happen, the love and care exploding in the room and the bonding taking place, the more I had to . . . . eh, doesn't matter.

What does matter is the confirmation I got for myself. I sat and watched with such admiration and I couldn't be happier for what was happening but it also reminded me that..... . . . that I could never do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason that I didn't have a baby in my last situation. I have been told it was because I was with the wrong person but that is not it. Toward the end of my visit as I held him in my arms, I thought about her gentle touch on the tip of his nose or the sweet lulling of her voice as she spoke ever so sweetly to him and I realized that I just don't have that. I don't have the 'gift of mama'. Having babies requires gentleness, sweetness, crazy love (well, that I might be able to have) and the such. I feel as if, regardless of all the babies and experience I might have in my life, I couldn't bond. I just wouldn't know how. I was amazed at the incredible bond I felt instantly, how quickly it seemed to have been happening and how it grew more and more with every touch of her finger on his tiny new nose.

It's ok. You live and you learn. I have a knack for somethings but for the mama thing, I think it is best if I just admire and help where and when I can.

When all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your

hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

- All American Rejects

It is official now. It became official last week when I got the words I have needed to hear for so long. I was hanging on to the need for the words and that was keeping me company. Keeping me from feeling so alone but that puzzle piece has been connected and now that I no longer have a need for them - it is official.

I am alone. Alone.

I no longer have a need to hold on to the past. Only a need to move on into my future. I was using my need for the words as an excuse. A reason to keep me from moving on and really starting my life again. I have no excuse now. I heard what I needed to hear.

My only question now is - how? How do I do this whole 'moving on' thing? Do I throw my important belongings in a sack, tie it to a stick and start walking or do I go to sleep one night in hopes that when the sun rises the next morning I will have 'moved on'? What does it really mean, anyway? I mean, I know that it means I am leaving my past, well, in the past but there must be a bigger meaning. Eh, maybe not. Maybe I am just asking far too many questions. Not unlike me, trust me.

I have been told that it is a gradual process. One that happens as it should and over time. Kind of like my heads up penny habit. I never know when I will come across one but it seems to happen when it should and in time.

Here's hopin' every heads up penny is moving me in the right direction.

Perspective. Mine. Yours.

This week, in a desperate attempt to pull myself from the emotional state I recently have been thrown back into, I decided to go straight to the source of the tears and drama rather then let things fester. As I dialed the number, got the 'Hello' and began the conversation - it settled with me that I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me at least. It was something that I have needed to do for a VERY long time. I didn't know I would be making the call when I did but as I said, I knew it was necessary.

It started with my request for an explanation. An explanation about why what I perceived as blatant lies were put out there. How they couldn't understand that something like that would rip through me.

'It wasn't meant like that'

'What do you mean - It wasn't meant like that?! To put something out like that?! You don't know me AT ALL if you think that wouldn't hurt as horrible as it did'

'I am telling you, it wasn't meant like that. Just a means to an end of the nonsense! It was the lesser of all evils. I was asked if you would be fine with it and I said yes.'

'You were asked if I would be fine with it and you said yes?! You REALLY don't know me. Even if, for a second and considering the situation, you thought I would be ok with it, you should have called to let me know this would be coming to me soon!'

With that, the tears (yet again) started flowing.

'Why do you want to hurt me more and more? What did I do to you that was so bad that you want to hurt me like this?'

'Are you kidding me with this!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much you hurt me!? What you did to me?!'

'Please! Please! Please tell me.'

With that, they did.

To hear it was one of the more painful things I had to endure in my emotional life. What could I say, they were right. I did everything they said. I admitted it (again) and I accepted where I was at fault. All this time, I made sure to let them know how much I am hurting. How betrayed I feel and how much the pain they have caused has put me in the place I am currently living in. I am at fault, though. I am fault for many things.

We are, though, both at fault for the quake that left the relationship in ruins and both of us trying to dig ourselves out from the rubble while attempting to rebuild our broken hearts. We have both caused serious pain to each other. Hurt that was the reaction to anger and frustration stemming mostly from expectations that simply could not or would not be met.

Eventually, the intensity of the conversation settled and we each took our emotions back and hit the cancel button.

Of course, I couldn't get what just happened out of my mind even after talking about it with a friend. I just couldn't understand what had happened and where I go from here. In yet another attempt to get my life in order, I called up what I have come to realize is my voice of reason. The one that has given me the smack back to reality that I so often need while leaving me with a hug and love afterwards.

'Hello, AP'

'Hey Baby, what's happening?'

'Nothing. Just wanted to talk'

'Talk or talk talk?'

'Talk talk.'

'OK - What's the matter?'

'Well . . . '

They listened as I poured out what just took place. I cried, they listened. I talked, they listed. I cried some more, they listened.

'I just wish I could fix it. I wish I could go back and make it better! Say things I should have said, admit things to both of us and everyone. I just want to change it! I just want to MAKE IT BETTER! I never want to hurt anyone.'

'Did you listen to them?'

'Yes.'

'Did you accept it?'

'Yes'

'Did you apologize?'

'Ye. . .'

'Then that is it! That is all you can do and now you MUST move on. You have done all you can do. You can not go back and change what you did in the past. You can only accept, apologize and learn from it.'

There was my smack. Loud and clear to me.

The conversation continued with more words that put the reality that I need to move on into even better perspective and eventually I hear -

'Now that we got that, when are you coming to visit again and what are we cooking?'

Smack back to reality if I ever got one.

How do you heal a broken heart?

I wish there were a band-aid but I can't seem to find one big enough.

I wish there were a pill but I can't seem to find one strong enough.

I wish there were . . .

I wish I wasn't sitting here at this very moment with my head lying in my hands as I stare at my phone and it blinks telling me that I have 26 messages. 26 messages that have been blinking, waiting for me to press the button and find out who wants what from me. I can't though. I can't because as I sit here, staring at the phone, I can't keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks and landing on these buttons as I attempt to type.

My heart is broken. Broken for many reasons. This morning, I received a call that has caused nothing but more heartache in my already crushed heart. It was as if it was torn from my insides, stomped on and thrown in my face. Unfortunately, I fell for it. AGAIN.

To say I feel sad, angry and frustrated would be the worlds biggest understatement.

I am sad because I couldn't be the person I am not.

I am angry because I was trying to be molded into the person I am not.

I am frustrated because I can't separate the expectations of me from the person I am not.

More tears.

I am so incredibly tired of crying. I am tired of these tears. The ones that seem to be finished and the moment the voice comes through the phone, they come back in a second. Falling, streaming, rushing down my face. For what reason, I have yet to find out but they hurt. They hurt more than I could ever tell you.

I need to find that band-aid.

That pill.

My heart hurts, bad.

I want to be alright but I don't know how to rebuild a heart that is broken. Is there a book I can buy? How do you heal a broken heart? How do you come back from the pain of it all?

I hear the voice and I fall back into it all. The sadness, the anger, the frustration and most importantly - the betrayal. The betrayal of my trust.

. . .band-aid?

. . .pill?

No more trust.

No more pain.

No more broken heart.

That is the answer. Perhaps.

Heads up Penny

I don't know how or when this started but whenever I come across a penny lying on the ground, I check to see if it is heads up. If so, I pick it up, put it in my pocket and continue on my way. I know that finding a penny in the heads up position is supposed to mean good luck but to be honest, I don't look at it like that. In fact, after I pick up the penny and put it in my pocket, more times than not, I actually forget about it. At least until I disrobe at the end of the day and it clinks on the floor as it falls from my pocket. Either way, it has just become this thing that I do.

However, today, it was suggested to me that there might be a reason behind my whole 'penny picking up' habit.

'Have you ever thought about what those pennies might mean?'

'No. Not really.'

'You never thought about a possible significance coming across those pennies in your life might have?'

'No, I haven't' As I sat getting slightly intrigued yet frustrated.

'Might it be possible they are a message to you from someone you hold special? A message to quit looking at the big picture and not to pass over the small stuff. I know that I might see a heads up penny once in a blue moon but you seem to find them far more often'

'No, I never thought like that'

At that moment, a tear fell down my cheek. For many reasons, actually. That he might be right, that he brought up my missing my someone special and my failing to possibly recognize the little things in life as I scream and cry that my life is as F'd up as it is at the moment.

After that, I continued to cry as that had opened the flood gates but everything seemed to be trumped as I thought about the penny lying on my floor at home since it fell from my pocket the other day.

When I returned home, though the penny is still small and lying in the same place -

I see it in a whole new way.

I give up. I give in.

I am exhausted. I am frustrated.

I am stuck.

I know I shouldn't be but what is all of this if your not honest. Honest with everyone but more importantly, honest with yourself. I am tired of constantly being on edge. Wondering what someone thinks, what their next move will be or how I might react. Wondering (wanting to KNOW) why. Why things couldn't be. Why it has to be this way. Why people are the way they are and not the way (I think) they should be. Wrong, I know. Why it needs to be so hard. I know that things need to be earned and in no way are put out for you to just pick up as you go along but WHY does it seem to be so hard in the process? So tiring, so frustrating and so annoying at times.

There it goes..

Forget it.

I give up.

Time to get the laundry.

Starting over and Consistency

These days, to say that I have any moment where thoughts about my life haven't been swimming around my head would be a HUGE understatement. The thoughts range from here to there and everywhere but for the most part they are all about me and the point I am at in my life.

All about moving on and starting over.

In a recent conversation, I was talking about where I was and my mindset when I made past decisions. In my past life. As the words fell out of my mouth, I thought about that mindset and about where I am now. As I spoke, she said to me just the thing that would make it all make some sort of sense. 'Your starting over'. As soon as she said it, my insides smiled as I attempted to release my next thought.

'Exactly'

I am starting over. The next few things I said, 'Been there, Done that' 'Never again' 'You live and you learn', came out in quick succession but that phrase put it all together.

I AM starting over.

Starting over in my new life and so very excited about it. At times, I do tend to be a little Hansel and Gretal-ish, as I lay out pieces of my past in the event I get really scared by something and want to run back to my comfort zone or what was but to be honest, I am running out of things to lay out. The further away from my past life I go, the less I seem to want to make sure I have that hand to hold.

At the same time, the word consistency was also brought in to play and it fit just perfectly. As I took that word with me and realized how true it is, I noticed how little I have of it in most of the people in my life and how desperately I crave it. When going through something as the events I have been experiencing in my life, all you want is consistency. You want to know that not only when you are laughing, happy and smiling with a friend, that you will have that same friend when you are crying, sad and frowning. You will have the same hug at sad times as you do during happy times.

Consistent consistency.

You want to be able to depend on the consistent (hopefully sincere) friend.

For me, I don't care how few people I have in my life. I would be fine having ONE person in my life if it meant that that one person will be there with me no matter what state I am in. They will be there for me no matter where I am and NOT when it works for them. As I can ONLY EVER speak for myself, I can say that it would be sincerely reciprocated. Forgive me but I have just been hurt way too much in my life to put it out there and not get it back. I will put it out there until, well, until I come across something that screams at me the loss of consistency with that person in my life.

I see how it is.

Another question that was also brought to my attention was if I would confront an individual regarding a situation as such.

My answer was no and the reason being; 'I don't want the drama'. Maybe I am wrong for this but I just think that if it is done once it will be done again. It doesn't matter if you talk it out with them, they apologize or whatever. The damage is still done and there is a great possibility that it will happen again. Why? That is just who they are which is why when it happens I say 'I see how it is'. It's ok. I just learn to steer clear as I don't want people like that in my life. I don't want to have to wonder about things they say or don't say. I don't want to have to tell them they should be this way or that way. I just don't want to spend time making people who they aren't with me. I will save all of us the time and energy and move on to surround myself with that person (or perhaps people) who are the way I would like them to be with me as I would be with them.

Consistent, Sincere and DRAMA FREE.

Here's hopin'. . .

Skeletal and Emotional

The thoughts in my head are nonstop.

Seems as if they move in and set up shop.

As they do, I think about you.

Imagining smiles, laughs and even tears we might share.

I know, even now,

I could hold your hand,

place my heavy head on your shoulder

and be comforted by just your breathing

We started young,

sharing moments no one knew.

Just me and you

We were building a relationship so few find.

One that would be stronger than anything

I look at pictures,

Replay memories and

imagine the possible futures.

I realize it could still be.

Just with me

and

thats ok

I know you are still here.

I know you are

Your in my heart.

Your still my support

I will keep us going.

In just the way we would if your were sitting next to me

holding my hand

I will continue.

With you

and

your support