Skeletal and Emotional

The thoughts in my head are nonstop.

Seems as if they move in and set up shop.

As they do, I think about you.

Imagining smiles, laughs and even tears we might share.

I know, even now,

I could hold your hand,

place my heavy head on your shoulder

and be comforted by just your breathing

We started young,

sharing moments no one knew.

Just me and you

We were building a relationship so few find.

One that would be stronger than anything

I look at pictures,

Replay memories and

imagine the possible futures.

I realize it could still be.

Just with me

and

thats ok

I know you are still here.

I know you are

Your in my heart.

Your still my support

I will keep us going.

In just the way we would if your were sitting next to me

holding my hand

I will continue.

With you

and

your support

I think George Carlin said it best:

"It's all bullshit and it's bad for ya"

In recent weeks, I have come across some things in my life that (unfortunately) can only best be described as just that, bull shit.

People, situations, actions and the such.

In no way do I invite this crap into my life. In fact, I really want to give it a cookie and send it on it's way. However, it seems to find me and even though that is the case, I do my best to recognize the BS, stand tall and continue on in the best drama free way I know how. Surround myself with people, things and words that keep me in a drama free space. Even if all of that can be counted on less than five fingers.

Recently, as well, tears related to the past year or so of my life have also seemed to find me again and I have been lucky enough (or so it seems) to have ears willing to listen for the most part until, of course, some can't seem to remove themselves from the car or make a follow up phone call but I suppose that is par for the course. Can't win 'em all. Regardless, I have decided (as angry as those tears make me as they fall down my cheeks) to just let them go. If I keep them in the hollows, it will only tear me up inside and as much as I would like to stand tall, eventually I will crumble due to the ultimate lack of support. At the same time, I can't help but hear it over and over - "It's all bull shit and..."

So, after all the words I have spoken, all the tears that I have shed and all the sense I have attempted to make in recent time, I am going to keep moving. I have to, after all. It makes me sad and I think it is unfortunate that at times the choices you make in life will determine your support system but at the same time, it takes situations as such to find out who the real people - the real, true support you have in your life might be. Up until moments when you might be forced to make a life changing decision or you make one to simply protect yourself when no one else will, you might be thinking you have the world behind you who will hold your hand, listen to you and give you the tightest, longest and most assuring hug when you need it the most. Unfortunately, however, that won't be the case but (maybe not instantly) you will find those that, no matter what and whether they agree with you or not, will catch you when you fall, hug you when you need it, listen when cry and support you above all else.

Don't forget, though: "It's all bull shit and it's bad for ya"

I'm sorry for being sorry

'Why did you hit your brother?!'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why didn't you clean your room before you went out?'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why didn't you call to let me know you were ok?'

'I don't know. I'm sorry'

'Why couldn't you be the wife I imagined?'

'I don't know. I'm NOT sorry.'

Why, then, am I sorry for everything else?

This morning, as I attempted to open my eyes and start my day, I caught a news story about a young boy who only 6 months ago his parents learned will most likely only make it to the age of 20.

A little while later, as I had the TV on as background noise, I was distracted by yet another story of a 27 yr old woman who when she was a teen was shot in the face. It left her disfigured and blind.

In both these stories, the 'victims' were smiling. They were happy and they were keeping their minds on the positive.

This leads to just a few days ago when I had a moment that is only caused by my condition. When it started, I had to sit down and wait for it to pass in hopes that it wouldn't lead to another episode. As soon as it passed, I'll admit, I threw a tantrum.

'Why me?!'

'Why do I have to deal with this?'

'I don't want to have to deal with this everyday!!'

Now, I feel like an ass.

I like to think that maybe not everything but most things in life do happen for a reason and as I have said, we won't always know the reason but there is one. Just as I woke up this morning after I tumultuous sleep, the first thing I see is a young boy who would be lucky to make it to his legal drinking age and then a girl who experienced something no one should have to go through and she is in love, with a son and though blind - she is smiling.

Ok, so I have a condition. One that I have to think about constantly. One that has me in constant fear and anxiety and here I am throwing a tantrum. Among these two people I learned about today, there is a guaranteed death sentence (hoping that can be changed) and permanent blindness (she doesn't even know what her son looks like!) but THEY ARE SMILING!

As I sit here, putting in to black and white the thoughts that I are in my head, I would like to say that I vow to NEVER throw a tantrum again or cry about the fact that I have to deal with this constantly but I will say that I will do my best to smile more and fear less.

Hurt

Let me ask you - have you ever been hurt by someone so bad that no matter how much you scream or punch there is no getting rid of it? Have you ever been brought to tears at just the thought of them?

I can say I have and I hate it. I often think about being given the opportunity to confront them, to look them in the face and tell them how much they left me with, how much emotional pain they have put me through and how many tears I have shed over the situation. Then I realize, there is no point. Someone like that doesn't care. Anyone who can cause that much pain, only cares about their own well being. Making sure that, at the end of they day, they are 'ok'. They don't care that I keep photos around and stare at them from time to time. They don't care how much I cry to my friends and talk about the care I still have for them. They don't put a moments thought in to my being left behind to clean up the emotional mess. What do they have to worry about? They, pretty much, got out of this unscathed.

Then I begin to wonder, is being hurt a choice? Is it a decision? Am I choosing to feel as if a knife is being dragged across my chest every time I think about it?

If it is, I need to change my decision. I need to take care of me. I need to get out of this as unscathed as they did. If they can, why can't I?

I have been told, recently, that I have a good heart. That I am good person. If that is true, I don't want to be. In an attempt to not be, I am putting it away. I am putting them away. Out of my immediate life. In a box. Covered up. Behind closed doors and away from my immediate view and immediate thoughts.

I want to be unscathed. Just like you.

'Today, I look in your eyes and I hold your hands in mine, as I promise to be true to you as your wife. I love you as my husband. I do, of course.'

I meant it when I said it

Scared, though I wouldn't admit

I looked in your eyes and held your

hands

Smiling and quivering

Wanting to know

Did you feel the same?

I won't, though

I can't believe

I won't see you

For the first time

I don't understand this day without you

The first, I cried. The tears flowed and I couldn't get them to stop. This morning, I think about where I was that day and the tears still fall, though with less intensity. At just this time that day, it was all going to happen in just a few hours. We were going to be together 'forever'. Whatever that means because, clearly, it doesn't mean what one would think.

The dress, the requests and our hands

'In just over a day, I will hold your hands in mine and promise to be true to you as..'

Today, I think about that day, that moment and your smile. About the promises, the happiness and the nerves.

Today, my heart hurts as I think about how WE couldn't make it. About the promises, the sadness and the NEW nerves.

It's been a while but yet such a short time. It's a strange place I am in now. Wondering what I could have done different to 'make it work'. What I could have done different to make you want to stay. What I could have done different to keep the smile on your face. At the same time, I know what I could have done different and it wouldn't have kept the smile on my face.

I feel like a failure, still.

Five years ago, at this very moment, as the dress hung waiting for my body to fill it, I remember a sense of calm when, actually, I think now my nerves were in a tailspin. I chalked it up to being 'normal' for what I was about to embark on. Thinking the nerves would calm after the words were spoken. They never did. I asked you to 'bear' with me as I attempted to deal with them. I asked too much. That I know as I can only ever speak for myself.

I am sorry for being a failure, on my end.

If I could take back all that I did to you, I would, in a second. If I could just be honest with my nerves and tell you five years ago that holding your hands and making promises scared me more than I should have been, I would, in a second but I was too scared to do so.

I am no longer scared, to be honest.

Holding on.

Last night, I found myself saying 'That is what I am supposed to be doing and that is what my life should be.' I would like to know where I got those thoughts from, who poured them in to my brain or why I am still thinking them.

Not for nothing but maybe what should or supposed to be is just what is happening. Maybe?

Now remember, I don't know, evidently. Everyone else does.

Really?? Fuck that.

I know that I am holding on to my old life. I get that. I know that I feel like a failure because I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be doing or how I was supposed to be living my life but I have to remember that I wasn't living for me. I was living for everyone else and that has a shelf life. Now I am searching for the sledge hammer, a big one to be exact. One that can take out that shelf and all it's contents in one quick whack because that is no longer the way of my life. At the same time, I wish I had a switch. One that I can flip and make all of this done in a much quicker and simpler way. Where do they stock those and can I buy them in bulk?

I am realizing (albeit slowly) that I am doing EXACTLY what I should be doing with my life. I am living for me because at the end of the day, I am the one I need to answer to, I am the one who is going to sleep with me at night and I am the one waking up with me in the morning. So when I take a look at myself in the mirror and stare at my reflection, I want to see a smile staring back at me. A real, true smile and know that I am doing what I should and am supposed to be doing while I let go of my old life and grab a hold of my new.

A hug, a touch and a kiss.

A moment, a moment and a moment.

I am finding that's all this is, a series of moments. I often wish there was a 'moment shop' where we could go and pick and choose just the moments we want in our lives. Wishful thinking, I know but wouldn't that be great?

Back to reality..

These things, these moments that make up our daily lives are often overlooked. They basically just happen. Once in a while, though, it is as if a moment is put in slow motion and we are forced to notice it. To record it and remember it. Those moments, those that have fallen out of the monotony that could become ones routine are the ones you want to grab a hold of, carry with you, make you stronger and (if they were that kind) relive when ever possible in hopes that they might happen again. Sometimes they do and sometimes not so much but that never makes them any less awesome (or intense). . .

. . .the moment I learned you would always be there for me. . .

. . .the moment I said I do then I don't. . .

. . .the moment I walked away from the old and in to the new. . .

. . .the moment I saw you for what you are. . .

. . .the moment I knew it was all going to be ok. . .

and

. . .the moment your arms wrapped around me as we hugged and your hand held my head. . .

Those, my friend, have been some moments.

November and December and January and February and... Rain

Here is how I see it - As a feather bed waiting to catch you at the end of a long day when everything might have gone left of what you had hoped would go right. As a long, long, tight hug given from the person with the most trusting and calming arms you know. As a smile sent to you that speaks to you in the language only both of you know or sometimes just a few words put together and spoken in your ear at just the moment you need it.

Making all of that even more amazing is to know that you still have that as the rest of the world is drenched in uncertainty.