'Today, I look in your eyes and I hold your hands in mine, as I promise to be true to you as your wife. I love you as my husband. I do, of course.'

I meant it when I said it

Scared, though I wouldn't admit

I looked in your eyes and held your

hands

Smiling and quivering

Wanting to know

Did you feel the same?

I won't, though

I can't believe

I won't see you

For the first time

I don't understand this day without you

The first, I cried. The tears flowed and I couldn't get them to stop. This morning, I think about where I was that day and the tears still fall, though with less intensity. At just this time that day, it was all going to happen in just a few hours. We were going to be together 'forever'. Whatever that means because, clearly, it doesn't mean what one would think.

The dress, the requests and our hands

'In just over a day, I will hold your hands in mine and promise to be true to you as..'

Today, I think about that day, that moment and your smile. About the promises, the happiness and the nerves.

Today, my heart hurts as I think about how WE couldn't make it. About the promises, the sadness and the NEW nerves.

It's been a while but yet such a short time. It's a strange place I am in now. Wondering what I could have done different to 'make it work'. What I could have done different to make you want to stay. What I could have done different to keep the smile on your face. At the same time, I know what I could have done different and it wouldn't have kept the smile on my face.

I feel like a failure, still.

Five years ago, at this very moment, as the dress hung waiting for my body to fill it, I remember a sense of calm when, actually, I think now my nerves were in a tailspin. I chalked it up to being 'normal' for what I was about to embark on. Thinking the nerves would calm after the words were spoken. They never did. I asked you to 'bear' with me as I attempted to deal with them. I asked too much. That I know as I can only ever speak for myself.

I am sorry for being a failure, on my end.

If I could take back all that I did to you, I would, in a second. If I could just be honest with my nerves and tell you five years ago that holding your hands and making promises scared me more than I should have been, I would, in a second but I was too scared to do so.

I am no longer scared, to be honest.

Holding on.

Last night, I found myself saying 'That is what I am supposed to be doing and that is what my life should be.' I would like to know where I got those thoughts from, who poured them in to my brain or why I am still thinking them.

Not for nothing but maybe what should or supposed to be is just what is happening. Maybe?

Now remember, I don't know, evidently. Everyone else does.

Really?? Fuck that.

I know that I am holding on to my old life. I get that. I know that I feel like a failure because I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be doing or how I was supposed to be living my life but I have to remember that I wasn't living for me. I was living for everyone else and that has a shelf life. Now I am searching for the sledge hammer, a big one to be exact. One that can take out that shelf and all it's contents in one quick whack because that is no longer the way of my life. At the same time, I wish I had a switch. One that I can flip and make all of this done in a much quicker and simpler way. Where do they stock those and can I buy them in bulk?

I am realizing (albeit slowly) that I am doing EXACTLY what I should be doing with my life. I am living for me because at the end of the day, I am the one I need to answer to, I am the one who is going to sleep with me at night and I am the one waking up with me in the morning. So when I take a look at myself in the mirror and stare at my reflection, I want to see a smile staring back at me. A real, true smile and know that I am doing what I should and am supposed to be doing while I let go of my old life and grab a hold of my new.

A hug, a touch and a kiss.

A moment, a moment and a moment.

I am finding that's all this is, a series of moments. I often wish there was a 'moment shop' where we could go and pick and choose just the moments we want in our lives. Wishful thinking, I know but wouldn't that be great?

Back to reality..

These things, these moments that make up our daily lives are often overlooked. They basically just happen. Once in a while, though, it is as if a moment is put in slow motion and we are forced to notice it. To record it and remember it. Those moments, those that have fallen out of the monotony that could become ones routine are the ones you want to grab a hold of, carry with you, make you stronger and (if they were that kind) relive when ever possible in hopes that they might happen again. Sometimes they do and sometimes not so much but that never makes them any less awesome (or intense). . .

. . .the moment I learned you would always be there for me. . .

. . .the moment I said I do then I don't. . .

. . .the moment I walked away from the old and in to the new. . .

. . .the moment I saw you for what you are. . .

. . .the moment I knew it was all going to be ok. . .

and

. . .the moment your arms wrapped around me as we hugged and your hand held my head. . .

Those, my friend, have been some moments.

November and December and January and February and... Rain

Here is how I see it - As a feather bed waiting to catch you at the end of a long day when everything might have gone left of what you had hoped would go right. As a long, long, tight hug given from the person with the most trusting and calming arms you know. As a smile sent to you that speaks to you in the language only both of you know or sometimes just a few words put together and spoken in your ear at just the moment you need it.

Making all of that even more amazing is to know that you still have that as the rest of the world is drenched in uncertainty.

The Power of Song

'Have you ever been in the mood for a sad song?'

Are you kidding? They have become the soundtrack of my life in the last 18 months or so. It is the main thing that has gotten me through the nonsense surrounding me thus far. I use them to think, I use them to (try) clear my head and yet, still other times, I get lost in them. I imagine my life down a different path, put myself back in my old life or wonder how I am going to take the current hand I have been dealt and make the right bet.

Repeat?

All the time.

I love to get lost in the words. For one, to know that I am not alone. Well, at least that other people have been here and know what I might be going through. Not that I would wish this on my worst enemy but life happens or so I have been told.

Repeat?

Again.

When I go over what used to be, I remember words that were spoken and promises that were made. Plans that were considered and goals that were set. Hands that were held and kisses that were stolen. Smiles that happened, laughs that were genuine and love that was made (and seemed like it could last forever).

Repeat?

Of course.

I think. I think about what was, what was supposed to be, what is and perhaps, what will be. Had I been asked at what now seems like so long ago, how I see my life playing out, I would have been able to give you a play by play that I was certain could have no diversion. Now, it is all different.

I am open to diversion.

In fact, I crave it.

Especially the ones that leave you with a smile to go to sleep with at night.

Why?

In speaking to a friend of mine earlier, he said something that struck me pretty deep.

He said, 'we will never know why.'

He was referring to something that happened to him years ago. Why did it happen this way and not the other way which would have, for sure, had a very different outcome. Naturally, we think that it happened the way it did because everything happens for a reason and though at the time it may not have been clear, he was meant for something else. Since then he has built a business, met the love of his life and made a family with her that he couldn't be any more in love with. Was that his purpose? Who knows but he is happy. That much is fact.

That leads me to me. I have many 'whys' in my life. Many questions that I need an answer to but know that I won't get them.

Why did you go away?

That is the big one that I will never get an answer to. So, should I just accept it as the case and move on? Should I just say to myself that it is what it is and leave it at that? Should I just trust that the decision that was made was right (for them) and because I love them as much as I do, I want them to do whatever it is that makes (made) them happy?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

I am trying to answer the 'whys' on my own but to no avail.

Perhaps my friend is right. Sometimes we will never know why.

Never?

Really??

Accept, Except and the Victim

At this point in my life, my weekly therapy sessions have become, not only, healing but necessary. Though, up to recently, I had convinced myself that 'I got it', I don't and sitting for an hour a week to 'figure' out the current state of my life, as well as, the past and sometimes future has, pretty much, saved me for now.

This week, three VERY important topics came into play. As I began the session, delving deeper into my life, I said (what I thought was simple) that I just need to 'accept' and move on. Quickly, I was challenged.

'What does that mean? Accept it?'

What do you mean - what does that mean? It means, I don't have to agree with it. I just need to accept it as the case and MOVE ON.'

Still, I got - 'What does that mean?'.

I sat there, stunned for a moment. 'Till now, I thought I knew what it meant. 'Till I was challenged, of course. Now, I am at a loss.

What does it mean and how might one figure it out?

In an effort to answer the question, I looked up Webster's definition of Accept and got:

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly <accept a gift>b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added) accept ink>

2

: to give admittance or approval to <accept her as one of the group>

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions>b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable accepted>c : to recognize as true : believe accept the explanation>

4

a : to make a favorable response to <accept an offer>b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in paymentaccept personal checks>

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

All of which did not help me. So here I sit, even as I type this, wondering what it means and should I ever really figure it out, will it come easily or will it be an arduous process I must endure in order to MOVE ON?

Stay tuned..

The next topic that came up was 'Except'.

Everyone except me.

Everything except me.

I suppose, the next topic of 'The Victim' might go hand in hand here. I went to this weeks session with, what was to me, a big question.

'Why can't I..'

The following was the response I received:

'I think you know the answer to that question'

And I did, though I failed to realize it until that moment.

I'm playing the victim.

Silence.. for a moment.

'Why do I do that?'

'Because you scrubbed floors for attention, that's why.'

At this point, I like to think that the 'fix' will be something as simply putting down the scrub brush, standing up and walking away from the bucket of dirty water but I know I need to accept that won't be the case and I will attempt to continue on with my life except not as the victim.

I miss you.

I miss you, terribly.

There, I said it.

Recently, as I was discussing future careers with my students, I found myself telling them about you and smiling. I felt a surge of happiness and remembered just how proud I am of you and your accomplishments.

Then I closed up.

'Stop it! You can't be proud. Your apart. Done. Finished.'

I had to ask a friend (well multiple, actually) if it was ok. Ok for me to talk about you and still feel all the positive things.

They said yes and I opened up. I allowed myself to feel them but since that day, I can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop imagining everything happening in my life with you in it. Thinking, 'This is what would happen if...' 'This is how my night would go if...' etc. I take naps in 'our' place and as I lie there in my 'spot', I can't help but feel as if something ('er someone') is missing.

I want to say that all of this makes me sad. Well, it does and it doesn't. I am sad that we are at this place (as we have been for quite some time) but I am not sad that we are being true to ourselves. That makes me think, though, is being true to ourselves just something that we need to 'do' for a while and things could be different or is it a permanent state?' Then that leads me to wonder what I am actually missing. Am I missing the comfort of you, of us, of our place in life and I might find that again someday in a different situation or am I missing YOU?

As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I couldn't help but think about how our arms would have been intertwined just so around me.

Something only we could do...

Thinking is an incredible thing. Such an incredible thing that too much of it could make even the sanest of sane people crazy.

Recent events in my life have required some deep thinking and I am fairly certain that I could very well be considered certifiable at this point. I am currently searching for a 'Thinking Recovery Center'. Some place I can go where I can be weaned off my constant thought cloggings and concentrate solely on day to day activities. If I ever did come across a place as such, I am fully prepared for the withdrawal process. I accept it. Anything to take these never ending thoughts, toss them to the wind and turn away just as the breeze picks them up and carries them into the distance. Far, far away from here. From me. From everything.