EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

I AM A BIG KID NOW!

What is that? That feeling. The feeling that you got it. The feeling that you might, very well, have things under control.

Is it possible?

I mean, after all, for as long as I have known, control was a far off idea. For me, at least. A thought that maybe it just might be a fantasy. How would it be possible to have control over my own life?

Funny thing, I do.

And I am NOT letting it go.

You want some? You better be prepared to do the work.

Wow. I know that I have made mistakes. Many, to be exact. I also know that I recognize my mistakes and, at this point of my life (if never before), I own them. I made them. For goodness sake, I can't go around blaming other people for the choices I have made over time. That is, well, not possible, though attempted. Besides, I am also at a point where I want and need to learn from my mistakes. Who wants to repeat the crap that got you into such a cruddy place to begin with? A crazy person, if you ask me. Though there have been times when I have been referred to as crazy, I like to think of it as a whole other kind of crazy.

I repeat, wow.

In no way at all does this mean that I will never make a mistake again. I am sure I will. In fact, I guarantee it. Will I know when or how? Nope but neither will anyone else walking the face of this planet.

Now that brings me to my most recent mistake. Right now, it makes me sad to think of the last few weeks of my life as a mistake but you have to call it like you see it and I am doing just that even if it means twisting the knife in my heart just a little bit more. If it is, it is.

To think for a second that I had a second chance in my life with a relationship so very special to me was, well, a crock of shit to put it bluntly. Everything happened so suddenly and it has been the moment I was hoping for these last two years. The same two years where I have been working on me and becoming a better version of myself. There was always a part of me hoping. So I finally got it or what seemed to be it. In the beginning, I did my best to stay on top of the game and I have to say that I did really well. I kept control of the situation. I pressed the buttons and determined how and when. Yet as the days went on and things began to move along, I still did my best to keep control over everything while, still, feeling the situation I was missing for some time now. I was bringing back the missing piece in my life. The decision was made, out of the gate, that everything would be taken one day at a time. We would see how things unfolded on a day to day basis. I was fine with that, I really was. In fact, that is what worked for me in my life right now. I need slow. I need steady. The other side of me wanted to jump right in but I stuck close to the realistic side and kept moving.

As the days moved into weeks, I started to get a little more hopeful each day. In small pieces but hopeful nonetheless. Again, I wanted to jump in head first but put on a helmet and held back.

So, as the days turned into weeks, things happened. Things happened in what seems to be a millisecond....

'Do you want to go away next weekend?'

My response (First, in my head, 'Wow') 'Which weekend?'

'The weekend of the 8th.'

'Yeah, I think I have to do something then but I haven't been contact yet so yes, I'd like to go.'

Was that the moment? The moment this so-called panic set in for them? If so, what did they ask me for?? What are you doing?? For F sake, what is the deal?!

Anyway, things didn't immediately change at that moment. They went on and rather nicely. The days turned into the next and eventually, I had to return to my personal life. So I did but things continued on as if something was happening again. Something good was opening up. Still, though, the helmet stayed and I remained cautious. Cautiously happy.

A few days later, I almost jumped over the moon when I received a message I thought I would never get. At least not now, for sure. They wanted to spend even more time with me.

More? Now? Really? Yes.

I embraced it and welcomed it with open arms. I was so excited. Perhaps more than I should have been. Regardless, they came and we enjoyed our time together. Every last minute of it. Who would have thought that it might be the last minutes if it? Then two days later happened..

Ironically, two days later turned out to be a very special day in our previous life together. We spent a long time talking about it and trying to determine what to do with it. In the end, it was decided that it would be treated as any other day. Fine with me.

'Would you like to go to dinner?'

'Yes, that would be nice.'

Why wouldn't I say yes? It was the 'special' day after all.

Alright, I made my way to their place looking forward to a dinner with them. Something that hasn't happened in a very long time. We would sit, eat and reminisce. So great.

I park, get out of the car and make my way to them. We say hello and sit to just be with each other. For the next 15 minutes at least... As I sat and looked them in the face, I felt something inside me. Something wasn't right so I asked.

'Nothing. I am fine.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes. Why do you ask?'

'Because of the way you are looking at me.'

I left it alone after that. Until the something I was feeling came out. 'I knew it' was all I could say to myself and then I heard it. Most of it. 'Resentment' was the only word that I really heard and as I heard it, I untwined my legs from them and sat straight up. I moved myself to the end of the couch and changed my point of view to the neighbors house I could see through the window. They kept talking and when I sensed a chance to say something, I did.

'I just want to go home now. I have been here all of 15 minutes and I just want to go home.'

There was a part of me that wanted them to say no, please don't go but at the same time I wanted to just jump in the car and drive off. My bags were still in it after all. I sat for sometime and ended up just needing time to catch my breath and be quiet. I took that time. Pretty much through dinner that was two hours later. After dinner, I reopened a little but only a little. A movie was on, my head as far away from them on the couch as possible and eyes glued to the set. A wonderful evening. Really...

Sleep was normal, I guess. I was so sleepy and out of it that I laid my head down and went into dreamland. Pretty much instantly. In hopes that the morning would be so very different. Take it from me, don't ever try that. The 'hope' thing because you are only setting yourself up for disaster.

7:55 the next morning, I was opening my eyes. I couldn't sleep anymore. The next three hours are going to be the most bizarre 3 hours of my life in recent weeks. The couple snuggle started us off. Sunday morning in bed and relaxing. Nothing could be better. All this followed by a simple request by them. Of course. I want to be close to them, after all.

Time for breakfast. In the kitchen, I pour myself a bowl of cereal and knowing that they enjoy the porch, I make my way out there inviting them in my simple movements. There is a bench and a chair. I sit on the bench, they on the chair. Ok, if never before, now something is wrong. I did my best to make them talk but it was a no-go. At that moment at least.

'What?' they ask.

I just stare wanting so badly to say that I knew something was wrong and desperate for them to just talk about it. Eventually, we made our way in doors where each of us took a different position, I on the couch and they in the kitchen to make themselves breakfast. A short time later, they were next to me asking me if I would like some of their cooking. After one bite, I declined the offer for more. Instead, I sat and made an attempt to get close to them hoping that what I already knew might be wrong.

It wasn't.

After a few words over the next few minutes, I was finally able to get the real conversation from their lips. Not anything I wanted to hear but I knew it was there. In this time, much like the night before, I moved myself to the end of the couch and listened as they said their piece. Interjecting with only a comment or question every once and a while.

Eventually, after I felt as if nothing else could be said, I looked them in the face while my insides began to crumble.

'Ok, well, I think I am going to go home now.'

The last thing that I wanted to do was spend another moment there. In this place that I, only a day before, thought would be so great to be in for the next few days. I tried my best to keep the emotions at bay and repeat that I would be leaving.

'You won't even stay and hang out today?'

With what felt like fire in my eyes and pain in my heart I said with certainty 'No'

I gathered my belongings, piled them by the front door and did a last check of the place.

'Can I help you with your things?'

'No'

'Can I at least give you a hug?'

Taking another look at them and still trying to keep the tears at bay, though having slightly less success this time, I said 'No. I don't think so.'

I picked up my bags, almost tripping under the weight of them and made my way to the car. Pulling open the doors, I threw the bags inside in no special order. I just needed them to get in there as quick as possible. Finally, I made my way to the drivers side, climbed in, started the car and began to pull away. For some reason, I raised my hand to the house where they were standing at the door watching me leave, gave it a slight wave and pressed on the gas moving up the street. My hands were shaking and the tears were welling up ready to pour out in buckets. 'Just get home' is all I could say over and over with some of me hoping that they would follow and beg me for a reconciliation. It never happened.

'I am sorry... I hope you are ok'

'Don't bother..'

'I guess we are both know what real hurt is now. We are not meant. That is clear.'

'I feel badly about this weekend'

I am not going to do this over text. That was for sure and I didn't. The next conversation is a blur... A conversation that lasted a while.

After talking to people in my life who I trust with my feelings, I got many different possibilities of what could be happening, what might happen and what will happen.

Now I just wish a coin had three side so I can now flip a coin and see what will be..

If only it were that easy.

'I have been thinking about our last call..'

So? What does that mean? I think about things every day, all day and you decide you need to tell me that you have been thinking about our last call and that is supposed to do what to me? Hell if I know.

'I don't want to not speak to you again ever'

Really? Could have fooled me? Too late, as far as I am concerned. I have grown past this. I have grown past you.

'I'd like to be friends with you again'

And I repeat, I have grown past you.

'It would be nice to catch up with you'

Last I checked, I am in the same place I was when you left. Nice try but no go.

I am not sure, nor will I ever be, of the things that go through other peoples minds that might lead them to the way they spew the things they do from time to time. All I know, is that it has taken quite some time for me to get here and I will be damned if someone, who might very well have cruel intentions, is going to come along and set up a trap so to make me fall in and be wrapped up in them again.

Does this seem to be coming from an angry place?

It might be. I won't deny that for a second. I mean, when I think about it, I feel as if any anger that I have right now might be completely justified. Be it at myself or another party, it is completely and totally justified. I have spent the better part of two years in tears, frustration, sadness and confusion. I have also spent the better part of two years working on myself in an attempt to get to this point. Low and behold, here I am. GOAL! To think about the work that I have put into crawling through the mud in order to get to the other side, I know that being here is such a reward and one that I will not let go of easily, if at all.

I am amazed how in one second (or what seems like one), someone could see the change, the hard work or the new (not going to let you get over on me and I am in control) person I have become and attempt to stomp on it....

....or maybe...they're not.

There is a tickle in my belly. You know, the one that you get when something just isn't quite sitting right or the one you get when you want to believe something when the other is all that you see? I want to believe that this isn't true but I can't. I know the situation I was in for some time. I know the person I was with while there and I know the person who left two years ago.

Does that mean that I know the person today??

To think, for a second, that I know the ins and outs of me as a whole, would be the biggest joke I ever made. I have no idea. I was recently asked, 'Why do you want to be alone right now?'. To which I answered, 'I need to be with me at the moment. I need to figure me out because I couldn't think about being with someone else without first being with me.'

Of course there was the followup, 'You don't know you? You don't know what you like and don't like?' I was a little taken aback by that but when I gave it some thought, I realized that maybe I don't know all those things. Maybe I don't know even half of those things and that is what I am spending my time doing at the moment. Unfortunately, it does come with it's lonely moments.

Sometimes many but that is where the pep talks come in REAL handy.

'Next to the presidency, teaching is, by far, the hardest job there is.' is what I found my self saying in talking to my father after another day with my summer students. There is nothing like teaching. I don't know what it is like to be a mother but a teacher comes damn close and to have many at the same time raises the intensity by 10. When you are a mother/parent in a family, you have a routine. A way. You know yourself and everyone and thing you are responsible for. I mean, I did come from a family after all.

Now imagine having 20 kids. 20 routines. 20 ways. 20 different responsibilities with 20 different needs that you need to have follow one way to teach one thing.

Exactly. Teaching is hard.

In the days that I have with my students, as I send them home exhausted, they, no doubt leave me exhausted. Questions after questions. Complaints after complaints and so on. All of this that I have to take care of during the lesson I am attempting to give them to make sure that I teach them something considering that is what I am there for, no? At these moments, I worry that they don't care or that they aren't getting it. I worry that I may not be teaching them correctly or that I am not cut out for said job. I worry but I can't show the kids that. I just need to keep plugging along in hopes that something is sinking in. Again, there is that motherhood/teaching thing again. All you can do is hope.

With all of this happening, it brings me back to my time in their position. When I was the student and teachers were attempting to fill my head with the things I was going to need for my life. I am sure that I gave them the look, many times, that nothing was sinking. I was not the best student as I struggled in many areas. Most teachers looked over this, however, as I move into new positions in my life, I think back and remember the few teachers who did take time and gave me the attention that I needed to get through. The ones who spent a little extra time with me and helped with the lessons so I can understand what I needed. That has never left me. I still carry that with me to this day. I had a teacher who helped with a subject that wasn't even hers. Just because she wanted see me succeed. I did. I remember it to this day. It has stayed with me. Nearly 20 years later. I often wish I could find her just to thank her for what she did. I am sure she has no idea. The same as my high school help. I wouldn't have made it through my high school career with out a certain teacher. She, as well, I wish I could find and I am sure has no idea. I think about her still as I thank her for getting me through. Perhaps for giving me the courage for getting myself through.

Recently, as I sat with one of my students and looked through their work. We were in the middle of editing work for a final show. As my student was showing me their images, I saw everyone else in their images and then I saw them in an image. I pointed this out to them in earnest because they needed to know. Though the work, overall, was good.

I told them that I wanted them to look for similarities in the rest of their images like the one we found. Like what we saw in them.

I talked to someone about that today and they told me that I gave them a gift.

I couldn't believe it when I heard it. How is something like that even possible? How could I come remotely close to doing what someone else did for me in my life? Not possible. I went over the situation and still couldn't believe it. They are young and the reaction that I got from them as I explained my thoughts would not be something one would think was anything of understanding.

But then it hit me. I am sure, wait, I know that as my teachers attempted to give me lessons and the such, the look that I gave them was something less than understanding at the time but here I am some years later writing about how much I remember it. Writing about how I could have possibly done the same for someone else. Am I sure that I did? No. Possibly not, in fact but for now, it is nice to think so.

Teaching is hard but the reward is so worth the work.

I have spent the better part of the past few days in tears and had some moments spent in anger as I thought about how much I was (or thought I was) past this stage. I guess I had a relapse. For whatever reason, I don't know. I suppose it could be the intense amount of stress I am under at the moment as I attempt to embark on the journey of 'lead' instructor of a program I am supposed to know something about or the on going drama I have with what used to be the closest relationships I had in my life, etc, etc. Whatever it may be, it all came to a head at the end of this last week and my mind couldn't handle it and therefore it shot out of my body in the form of tears (some yelling and periodic punching at appropriate moments, as well).

It has been mentioned to me recently that I have finally begun to feel. Whatever that means, although maybe they have a point. Since my life has been chaotic for some time now, something seems different. Something has happened that, for me, hasn't happened before.

I felt.

In a recent conversation with a former very close individual in my life, though basic and not long at all, it was full of emotion for me. As the words fell from their mouth and entered my ears, they shot through my body in such a way that I felt them. I felt them in such a way that I never felt before. My relationship with this person has been going through this change for a while but for the first time, I felt it. There is no other way to describe it. My heart broke as the words shot through me. It wasn't anything mean, malicious or hurtful but I heard it for the first time since our relationship ended. I didn't try to either. I suppose it is just the natural course of things or perhaps it is the 'work' I have been doing. I don't know.

What I do know is when you finally feel your heart break, you FEEL it and it doesn't feel good.

One would think by now a broken heart would heal but the pain is worse than ever as I finally start to feel.

I had a dream and you were in it. Lately, I can't get you out of my mind and I know why. I wish I didn't. I miss you tremendously but I know that things could never, ever be as they were. I know that I have said it before but I will say it again, I screwed up. I damaged a good thing. I tore through my side of the street and all because I couldn't open my mouth and simply tell you that I was scared. That I didn't know what to do, where I was or how to make things happen.

Again, I have said it before and I will forever say it again, I am truly and forever sorry.

I want you to be happy for now and forever. Not for a second do I want you to be sad and goodness knows I put you through enough of that for a time.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you and I know why.

I don't know why.

Could it be because I screwed up so bad and I want a do over? Could it be because I can't seem to move from my comfort zone? Could it be ....

Could it be the guilt that I carry with me daily and this is my punishment? I don't know. All I know is that I miss you. I don't miss the flowers. I don't miss the gifts, the food, the trips, the walks, the talks. I miss you. You. I hate not having you and I can't seem to figure out why. These days seem to be the hardest and I can't get you out of my head. I think of ways to talk to you. To communicate with with you and know that you are still there and perhaps remind you that I am still here (in hopes that you think of me. Selfish and stupid, I know. I just don't want to feel any more alone, I guess)

I wonder, constantly, if you think of me as I am reminded of you in this place we used to share. This place that was bought with so much excitement and promise and ended with so much sadness and anger. I sit here now after time has past realizing that I can't be in this place with out seeing you and us. I tried to move you out but it is impossible. Truly impossible. No matter how many pieces I pack up and store, I can't seem to pack us up. We are every where here. More importantly, we are in me and that I can't seem to move.

It doesn't matter, either. Any time of day. I think of what would be and where we would be. All this time has passed and that still holds with me. I see you walking in the door but it never happens. I feel you holding me exactly where you used when I needed it but you don't because your not there. I see you smiling at me when I need it most but you aren't and I can't ask for it because it never comes. I hear you talking to me in just the special way I know but well..

If this is punishment, I take it and it hurts. My heart hurts more than I could ever tell you. More than I could ever express to anyone, anywhere at anytime. I could only EVER take blame and try to clean up my side of the street and I can't believe I ever screwed up one of the best things I ever had in my life and I am paying the price ten fold. Forgiveness? I don't know the meaning. What I do know is that I had something so good and I know that we both had our faults but all I know, for me is that for a moment, some very, very, VERY stupid moments

I was speechless.

Post

If I lined up the same, brown size pieces of card board along a wall and imagined that to be everyone walking the earth, the world would become boring pretty much instantly. The reason it doesn't or, rather the reason I see it doesn't, is because of our stories. Our pasts. Our baggage.

Traumatic

There is not a single person who can say that they grew up in a fairy land of bunnies and sunflowers. Roses and sunshine. It is a nice thought but completely impossible. Not in the world we live in. No guarantee when it will happen but somewhere along the line there will be struggle. There will be pain, frustration, sadness and the such. I may seem bitter but it is the truth. Let's move on. This does not mean, by any stretch, that it is the same magnitude for everyone. It is experienced on different levels and in different ways. No one can ever tell when, where or why. It is a total crap shoot.

Stress

I have spent a good portion of my life apologizing. At this point, I have come to realize, it seems as if it has been for simply being here. Over the last two years since I have been shown my personal bottom, I have tried to work on figuring out who I am. That, at times, seemed to be more of a struggle than it was worth. I have wanted to give up so many times. The tears just haven't been worth the reward that I have not been able to see considering my world has been clouded with nothing but the nonsense that surrounds me daily. That, I have come to find out, is mostly by choice.

Regardless, back to my apologizing. Recently, I found myself mid conversation with someone after he asked me if he could buy me a drink. I politely declined but figured conversation was conversation. In time, I learned a lot about him. He was (er' is) a United States Marine, a golf pro and clearly, a drunk. However, he made one statement to me that not too long in my past I would have allowed myself to think he was 'better' than me or that I was, whatever. He mentioned that he suffers from post traumatic stress because he served on the front lines and seen a lot of stuff. He said 'I have been through a lot'. Stressing 'a lot'. For a moment, I almost I said 'wow' and then I cut him off. I touched him lightly on the arm, looked him in the eye and said:

'We have both been through a lot.'

I stressed 'a lot'.

Mine is mine and yours is yours.

'Your going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul' - Christina Perri

It's been two years. Two years since you walked in the door as I watched the screen move. Two years since you sat on the couch, asked (actually more like told) and I begged for something else.

Two years since I wore your jacket. Two years since I couldn't look you in the eyes. Much the same way I couldn't the moment you asked another question.

It has been two years since my heart was stomped into a million pieces.

It has been two years, actually more, since I stomped your heart into a million pieces.

You were me and I was you. We were us and for me, I killed it. I review it constantly. Everything I did, I thought and the justifications I gave every decision. How could I hurt you so bad? How could I go out of my way to make sure that I hurt you? To make sure that I let you know that you weren't perfect? When, really, I should have taken it out in a different area. Not on you. You were just being you and even if that meant the end to us, never should I have taken my anger out on you. I go over it all. All the damn time.

I am a bad person. It was suggested to me that I forgive myself. That I must forgive myself for the decisions I made while with you.

I can't.

How can I forgive myself for something that I went out of my way to do, for the most part? I might as well have taken a knife and twisted it in your heart. Over and over and over. It pained me to look at you knowing the my mistakes. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it would all blow up eventually. All of my relationships do. I still see you. I see you as the you in my life. As the you that I knew. However, in the midst of all of this, I am trying to forget it all. The you that I knew. The you and me and the life that I had once. I am so very sorry. SO very sorry for everything. For the sadness and pain...for this.

Will I find a 'you' again? I don't know. Will I find a 'you' for me? I don't know that either.

All I know is it has been two years and the pillow is no longer working but I suppose that is my personal punishment.

I fear myself.

Lately, as the weeks go by, I seem to be learning more and more about me. Who I am at the core. The more that I do this, the more I want to stop. The more I learn that I am afraid of me. Where I came from, where I am at and where I could possibly take myself. The crazy thing being that I see myself doing amazing things. Taking my talents and abilities to new heights but I can't seem to DO it. All because I fear my potential.

I had a crazy childhood. With that said (again), I did have moments where I was encouraged, where I was taught and made positive. I did have those people who wanted me to succeed. Those who saw that I could take on something big and be awesome at it. Often, I think about those moments. As I do, I can remember just how I felt and just what I was thinking. I can even remember how the smile felt as it grew. I could sit back and continue to whine (although I hate whiners with a passion) and focus on all the negative I had growing up but this is where that has gotten me. Here. Right here with my fingers furiously running over this keyboard as questions spin around my mind about my life. Words are pouring out as I attempt to make sense of it all. Regardless, I still fear me.

I don't know if one can call this a phobia. Like a fear of heights, spiders (eeeek!), dogs or anything. Something that with some practice, perhaps, one could over come. Could I possibly have a phobia of myself? Is that what a fear is?

I don't know.

Lately, I have been trying to learn from my mistakes. I have been trying to look at my past and do the opposite of what hasn't worked for me. So far, eh, so good (?). What I do know is that I could give myself all the pep talks in the world, I could listen to all the positive messages sent to me daily and I could read affirmations all the damn time but NONE of that has brought me where I need to be. Where I want to be. In a state of me. Fearless me.

More than anything, this is annoying. It is holding me back from where I need to be in my life. Right now. Now, I know that need is different for everyone. When I say it, it is where I need to be for me. Where I want to be. Why then is it SO difficult for me to get there?

Am I falling into the world of excuses? Am I using the excuse that I have so many excuses so I can't do anything? Am I really allowing the BS to hold me back? Really? REALLY ON THAT ONE?

STOP. Just stop it!

I can't.

I am really scared of what might happen or what won't.