Wow. I know that I have made mistakes. Many, to be exact. I also know that I recognize my mistakes and, at this point of my life (if never before), I own them. I made them. For goodness sake, I can't go around blaming other people for the choices I have made over time. That is, well, not possible, though attempted. Besides, I am also at a point where I want and need to learn from my mistakes. Who wants to repeat the crap that got you into such a cruddy place to begin with? A crazy person, if you ask me. Though there have been times when I have been referred to as crazy, I like to think of it as a whole other kind of crazy.

I repeat, wow.

In no way at all does this mean that I will never make a mistake again. I am sure I will. In fact, I guarantee it. Will I know when or how? Nope but neither will anyone else walking the face of this planet.

Now that brings me to my most recent mistake. Right now, it makes me sad to think of the last few weeks of my life as a mistake but you have to call it like you see it and I am doing just that even if it means twisting the knife in my heart just a little bit more. If it is, it is.

To think for a second that I had a second chance in my life with a relationship so very special to me was, well, a crock of shit to put it bluntly. Everything happened so suddenly and it has been the moment I was hoping for these last two years. The same two years where I have been working on me and becoming a better version of myself. There was always a part of me hoping. So I finally got it or what seemed to be it. In the beginning, I did my best to stay on top of the game and I have to say that I did really well. I kept control of the situation. I pressed the buttons and determined how and when. Yet as the days went on and things began to move along, I still did my best to keep control over everything while, still, feeling the situation I was missing for some time now. I was bringing back the missing piece in my life. The decision was made, out of the gate, that everything would be taken one day at a time. We would see how things unfolded on a day to day basis. I was fine with that, I really was. In fact, that is what worked for me in my life right now. I need slow. I need steady. The other side of me wanted to jump right in but I stuck close to the realistic side and kept moving.

As the days moved into weeks, I started to get a little more hopeful each day. In small pieces but hopeful nonetheless. Again, I wanted to jump in head first but put on a helmet and held back.

So, as the days turned into weeks, things happened. Things happened in what seems to be a millisecond....

'Do you want to go away next weekend?'

My response (First, in my head, 'Wow') 'Which weekend?'

'The weekend of the 8th.'

'Yeah, I think I have to do something then but I haven't been contact yet so yes, I'd like to go.'

Was that the moment? The moment this so-called panic set in for them? If so, what did they ask me for?? What are you doing?? For F sake, what is the deal?!

Anyway, things didn't immediately change at that moment. They went on and rather nicely. The days turned into the next and eventually, I had to return to my personal life. So I did but things continued on as if something was happening again. Something good was opening up. Still, though, the helmet stayed and I remained cautious. Cautiously happy.

A few days later, I almost jumped over the moon when I received a message I thought I would never get. At least not now, for sure. They wanted to spend even more time with me.

More? Now? Really? Yes.

I embraced it and welcomed it with open arms. I was so excited. Perhaps more than I should have been. Regardless, they came and we enjoyed our time together. Every last minute of it. Who would have thought that it might be the last minutes if it? Then two days later happened..

Ironically, two days later turned out to be a very special day in our previous life together. We spent a long time talking about it and trying to determine what to do with it. In the end, it was decided that it would be treated as any other day. Fine with me.

'Would you like to go to dinner?'

'Yes, that would be nice.'

Why wouldn't I say yes? It was the 'special' day after all.

Alright, I made my way to their place looking forward to a dinner with them. Something that hasn't happened in a very long time. We would sit, eat and reminisce. So great.

I park, get out of the car and make my way to them. We say hello and sit to just be with each other. For the next 15 minutes at least... As I sat and looked them in the face, I felt something inside me. Something wasn't right so I asked.

'Nothing. I am fine.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes. Why do you ask?'

'Because of the way you are looking at me.'

I left it alone after that. Until the something I was feeling came out. 'I knew it' was all I could say to myself and then I heard it. Most of it. 'Resentment' was the only word that I really heard and as I heard it, I untwined my legs from them and sat straight up. I moved myself to the end of the couch and changed my point of view to the neighbors house I could see through the window. They kept talking and when I sensed a chance to say something, I did.

'I just want to go home now. I have been here all of 15 minutes and I just want to go home.'

There was a part of me that wanted them to say no, please don't go but at the same time I wanted to just jump in the car and drive off. My bags were still in it after all. I sat for sometime and ended up just needing time to catch my breath and be quiet. I took that time. Pretty much through dinner that was two hours later. After dinner, I reopened a little but only a little. A movie was on, my head as far away from them on the couch as possible and eyes glued to the set. A wonderful evening. Really...

Sleep was normal, I guess. I was so sleepy and out of it that I laid my head down and went into dreamland. Pretty much instantly. In hopes that the morning would be so very different. Take it from me, don't ever try that. The 'hope' thing because you are only setting yourself up for disaster.

7:55 the next morning, I was opening my eyes. I couldn't sleep anymore. The next three hours are going to be the most bizarre 3 hours of my life in recent weeks. The couple snuggle started us off. Sunday morning in bed and relaxing. Nothing could be better. All this followed by a simple request by them. Of course. I want to be close to them, after all.

Time for breakfast. In the kitchen, I pour myself a bowl of cereal and knowing that they enjoy the porch, I make my way out there inviting them in my simple movements. There is a bench and a chair. I sit on the bench, they on the chair. Ok, if never before, now something is wrong. I did my best to make them talk but it was a no-go. At that moment at least.

'What?' they ask.

I just stare wanting so badly to say that I knew something was wrong and desperate for them to just talk about it. Eventually, we made our way in doors where each of us took a different position, I on the couch and they in the kitchen to make themselves breakfast. A short time later, they were next to me asking me if I would like some of their cooking. After one bite, I declined the offer for more. Instead, I sat and made an attempt to get close to them hoping that what I already knew might be wrong.

It wasn't.

After a few words over the next few minutes, I was finally able to get the real conversation from their lips. Not anything I wanted to hear but I knew it was there. In this time, much like the night before, I moved myself to the end of the couch and listened as they said their piece. Interjecting with only a comment or question every once and a while.

Eventually, after I felt as if nothing else could be said, I looked them in the face while my insides began to crumble.

'Ok, well, I think I am going to go home now.'

The last thing that I wanted to do was spend another moment there. In this place that I, only a day before, thought would be so great to be in for the next few days. I tried my best to keep the emotions at bay and repeat that I would be leaving.

'You won't even stay and hang out today?'

With what felt like fire in my eyes and pain in my heart I said with certainty 'No'

I gathered my belongings, piled them by the front door and did a last check of the place.

'Can I help you with your things?'

'No'

'Can I at least give you a hug?'

Taking another look at them and still trying to keep the tears at bay, though having slightly less success this time, I said 'No. I don't think so.'

I picked up my bags, almost tripping under the weight of them and made my way to the car. Pulling open the doors, I threw the bags inside in no special order. I just needed them to get in there as quick as possible. Finally, I made my way to the drivers side, climbed in, started the car and began to pull away. For some reason, I raised my hand to the house where they were standing at the door watching me leave, gave it a slight wave and pressed on the gas moving up the street. My hands were shaking and the tears were welling up ready to pour out in buckets. 'Just get home' is all I could say over and over with some of me hoping that they would follow and beg me for a reconciliation. It never happened.

'I am sorry... I hope you are ok'

'Don't bother..'

'I guess we are both know what real hurt is now. We are not meant. That is clear.'

'I feel badly about this weekend'

I am not going to do this over text. That was for sure and I didn't. The next conversation is a blur... A conversation that lasted a while.

After talking to people in my life who I trust with my feelings, I got many different possibilities of what could be happening, what might happen and what will happen.

Now I just wish a coin had three side so I can now flip a coin and see what will be..

If only it were that easy.