One would think by now a broken heart would heal but the pain is worse than ever as I finally start to feel.

I had a dream and you were in it. Lately, I can't get you out of my mind and I know why. I wish I didn't. I miss you tremendously but I know that things could never, ever be as they were. I know that I have said it before but I will say it again, I screwed up. I damaged a good thing. I tore through my side of the street and all because I couldn't open my mouth and simply tell you that I was scared. That I didn't know what to do, where I was or how to make things happen.

Again, I have said it before and I will forever say it again, I am truly and forever sorry.

I want you to be happy for now and forever. Not for a second do I want you to be sad and goodness knows I put you through enough of that for a time.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you and I know why.

I don't know why.

Could it be because I screwed up so bad and I want a do over? Could it be because I can't seem to move from my comfort zone? Could it be ....

Could it be the guilt that I carry with me daily and this is my punishment? I don't know. All I know is that I miss you. I don't miss the flowers. I don't miss the gifts, the food, the trips, the walks, the talks. I miss you. You. I hate not having you and I can't seem to figure out why. These days seem to be the hardest and I can't get you out of my head. I think of ways to talk to you. To communicate with with you and know that you are still there and perhaps remind you that I am still here (in hopes that you think of me. Selfish and stupid, I know. I just don't want to feel any more alone, I guess)

I wonder, constantly, if you think of me as I am reminded of you in this place we used to share. This place that was bought with so much excitement and promise and ended with so much sadness and anger. I sit here now after time has past realizing that I can't be in this place with out seeing you and us. I tried to move you out but it is impossible. Truly impossible. No matter how many pieces I pack up and store, I can't seem to pack us up. We are every where here. More importantly, we are in me and that I can't seem to move.

It doesn't matter, either. Any time of day. I think of what would be and where we would be. All this time has passed and that still holds with me. I see you walking in the door but it never happens. I feel you holding me exactly where you used when I needed it but you don't because your not there. I see you smiling at me when I need it most but you aren't and I can't ask for it because it never comes. I hear you talking to me in just the special way I know but well..

If this is punishment, I take it and it hurts. My heart hurts more than I could ever tell you. More than I could ever express to anyone, anywhere at anytime. I could only EVER take blame and try to clean up my side of the street and I can't believe I ever screwed up one of the best things I ever had in my life and I am paying the price ten fold. Forgiveness? I don't know the meaning. What I do know is that I had something so good and I know that we both had our faults but all I know, for me is that for a moment, some very, very, VERY stupid moments

I was speechless.