'Your going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul' - Christina Perri

It's been two years. Two years since you walked in the door as I watched the screen move. Two years since you sat on the couch, asked (actually more like told) and I begged for something else.

Two years since I wore your jacket. Two years since I couldn't look you in the eyes. Much the same way I couldn't the moment you asked another question.

It has been two years since my heart was stomped into a million pieces.

It has been two years, actually more, since I stomped your heart into a million pieces.

You were me and I was you. We were us and for me, I killed it. I review it constantly. Everything I did, I thought and the justifications I gave every decision. How could I hurt you so bad? How could I go out of my way to make sure that I hurt you? To make sure that I let you know that you weren't perfect? When, really, I should have taken it out in a different area. Not on you. You were just being you and even if that meant the end to us, never should I have taken my anger out on you. I go over it all. All the damn time.

I am a bad person. It was suggested to me that I forgive myself. That I must forgive myself for the decisions I made while with you.

I can't.

How can I forgive myself for something that I went out of my way to do, for the most part? I might as well have taken a knife and twisted it in your heart. Over and over and over. It pained me to look at you knowing the my mistakes. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it would all blow up eventually. All of my relationships do. I still see you. I see you as the you in my life. As the you that I knew. However, in the midst of all of this, I am trying to forget it all. The you that I knew. The you and me and the life that I had once. I am so very sorry. SO very sorry for everything. For the sadness and pain...for this.

Will I find a 'you' again? I don't know. Will I find a 'you' for me? I don't know that either.

All I know is it has been two years and the pillow is no longer working but I suppose that is my personal punishment.