I try not to have regrets in my life. I try but I do.

If I could take it all back, I would. In a second. From the beginning, I hurt one of the most important people I ever had in my life and simply because I didn't speak up at the right moment. I can't help but burn with pain at the thought. To think about what I put them through, what I did to them and how much I wanted to hurt them makes me sad and angry with myself. I wish that I could change it all. I wish that I could sit down in front of them, spill it and tell them just how sorry I am for all the pain, frustration and hurt that I caused to them.

As I said to them recently, I can only ever speak for myself and I know what I did and how much pain I caused. I am so very sorry. I look back now and I know why I did it and what I need to change so never to do it again but I didn't know that then and the destruction I left in the wake is more than I could imagine myself capable of doing. Clearly, it is possible.

I am so very sorry.

As I sat in the drivers seat, wiping the tears with my fingers, I listened to the voice at the other end of the phone and felt their pain. Finally, after all this time, I heard it and I felt it. I wanted nothing else but to let them know just how sorry I am as our time together flashed through my mind. I was told that they needed to say all of it to me for quite some time and they are happy they finally could. That they finally felt as if they could open up to me about all that has been happening in the last few years. In those moments, as my tears fell into my lap, I felt theirs.

I am so very sorry.

After so much time, in a tiny way, we were each other again. We were the two of us in the relationship we had. The two of us that only we know. Knew. That is how it is. There are those moments, words, feelings and stares that only the two people together in a relationship know. Will ever know and that is what I felt as the call progressed. It was there again and I felt it. I believe that they felt it too. I hope they did.

I am so very sorry.

To think of everything that I put them through, breaks my heart. As I attempt to clean up my side of the street and understand why I didn't speak up when I should have, I wish I could hold their hand, feel them and hug them. I wish I could look in their eyes and have them speak the words I have wanted to say. I wish I could ask for their forgiveness.

I did my part, too.

We need to heal. Time needs to pass. We must put our signatures on paper and close this chapter in order to heal from the pain caused. If ever anything is to come from this remains to be seen. I hope for nothing except that they are happy. I feel as if I have taken any and everything I could from them and that makes me sick to my stomach. It was love from beginning for me. No matter how it played out. I love them more than I can ever express and just because we can't make it work doesn't change that for me. Ever. I want to turn away and know that they are happy. I don't want to ask for this, that and the other thing. That is not what this comes down to for me. Happy. That is all I want.

Through it all, people have their opinions, judgements and thoughts but at the end of the day (as with anyone) it is us. From the moment we met, they were good people. At the core. Have been and always will be. I will never think different. Ever.

'I miss you and I love you. I won't ever stop'

Both.

Sway

In a moment, I witnessed as their bodies met and they held each other in the way each knew how.

I caught it just out of the corner and brought the rest to take it in completely.

In a moment, time slowed.

It was as if I became a voyeur into their lives knowing nothing but the obvious.

In a moment, I was involved. My mind moved along with them.

They swayed to, fro and the such. Never skipping a step or missing an innocent beat.

In a moment, the smiles grew. Theirs and mine.

I couldn't help but forget about any sort of troubles and concerns anywhere, let alone my world.

In a moment. If only for a moment.

A beautiful and perfect moment.

Holy Fucking Shit Bitch

I don't get it. I know I have a lot to work on but I just don't get it. If I were to sit down and write a list of each and every thing either about myself or about everything else that I don't get, it would be a mile (perhaps more) long. What is that? Why am I at this age and so damn confused? You would think that I would have some things figured out. Solid. Done.

I figure this might be a good a spot as any to try to, if nothing else, get the ball rolling. So let's see..

1: How the hell did I end up here? Now I know that might seem like a dumb question with an obvious answer, however, it's more like 'here' as in this crappy, financially screwed, dependent (etc) space. I hate it. Every last bit of it. There was a time that I thought I had it figured out. I had the perfect situation and I was set for life. Boy was I wrong. I couldn't have been more off the mark.

2: What is up with all these regrets? I like to think I try. I try to learn from my mistakes, I try to say the right thing, do the right thing and I try to be with the right people but so far I must have made some screwy choices because I can't help but have regrets. I have been attempting to choose not to have regrets in my life but I seem to fall right back into having them. I know the most important regrets that I have and when I think about them, they stir up such a state of anger that I want to hit something or cry for the next day and a half.

3: Where were these lessons when I needed them most and why am I standing alone here? Why is it that at the most vulnerable state I am in at this point of my life, do I feel as if I am standing in the middle of an open arena watching my world pass me by with no direction or tools to move on? Attempting at some moments to tap a shoulder, ask a question or just jump right into the crowd but not able to move my legs. Trying to understand where I came from, what I did, the choices I made and where I am supposed to be going, alone. At the same time, I am confused because new relationships are forming and practically begging to help me but I can do nothing but keep them at bay simply because, I don't understand.

4: What are these walls and where is my sledgehammer? I hate the feeling when I walk to my car and thinking I unlocked the door, move to pull the handle only to have it snap out of my hand as I am jerked into the door as a result of my hastiness. Emotionally, that is how I feel daily. Except these walls are a lot bigger and a lot harder. No wonder I have this bruise on my chin.. Regardless, no matter how hard I try or how much I want it, I cannot seem to break them down or through them. What is it going to take? A bulldozer?

5: How do I live with a condition I cannot get rid of and how do I release the fear? Here I am, at a loss again. I live in a state of fear. For many reasons but this one being the biggest. Where? When? How? Will someone be there to catch me? I like to hope all is under control but no one really knows that. Instead, I put my chances in to someone who throws solutions at me in hopes that something will stick because they don't even know what is going on. To say that is scary would be an understatement, however, it is a billion times better to have then to not have. At least for how ever much longer I have the ability to have someone who will stay with me and work to make sure I am healthy and happy. Until it is under control and in other areas make me emotionally strong enough to stand on my own with it all it seems like I will be here. In this state.

Well, these are pretty much the top five. Maybe by writing them out I will understand them better and they might fix themselves. Who knows. What I do know is that I have this and for me this is the best therapy.

Ever.

Now if I could just give a pop quiz.

pas·sion

n.

1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2.

a. Ardent love.

b. Strong sexual desire;

lust.

c. The object of such love or desire.

3.

a. Boundless enthusiasm: His skills as a player don't quite match his passion for the game.

b. The object of such enthusiasm: Soccer is her passion.

4. An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger: He's been known to fly into a passion without warning.

5. Passion

a. The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper and including the Crucifixion, as related in the New Testament.

b. A narrative, musical setting, or pictorial representation of Jesus's sufferings.

6. Archaic Martyrdom.

7. Archaic Passivity.

As I worked the other night, equipment in hand, a woman approached me, struck up a conversation and ended it expressing how much she enjoyed finding someone who stepped out and is chasing their passion. Though she has no idea, she walked away from me as the word 'Passion' bounced around my head. It is a word I have been hearing a lot with regards to my life lately and just as the word 'Courage' did to me, I am lost.

In recent months, it has been suggested to me that one of the biggest struggles I am having in my life and perhaps the reason for the many road blocks is my inability for intimacy. Which as I understand it can and will only lead to passion. Real passion. If I have an intimacy problem, how is it possible I can be remotely passionate when it comes to my work. Wouldn't I need to explode with excitement? With joy? With something other than this thing weighing my hand down? Is it possible someone is seeing something I can't and don't possibly feel? How can something be seen and not (even a little bit) felt?

At one point, I thought of passion as only this state that happens between two people who can't ever get enough of one another. Now it is supposed to wrap around this thing I do on a daily basis? This thing that has nothing to do with anyone except myself? Passionate about my life? What is that?

If you haven't already gathered, I am confused. That is the only thing that I know for sure.

Is it possible that this is a word that is thrown around too much? Passion, eh??

Intimacy. Another term I struggle with but yet seem to understand my struggle with a bit more. I know I can't get close to anyone. I know why I can't get close to anyone. I know all of it and one would think that by knowing, I would be able to change it but I can't. Logically, I understand. Emotionally, no go.

Fear? Hell yes. I heard last night, 'Fear is a state of mind' and though that may be true, it is a state I can't seem to run away from at this point. Maybe soon but not now. I look at it as a mother INCREDIBLY protective of her babies to help better explain when I need to tell people why I am this way. I still get the cross-eyed, confused look but unless you are inside me, inside my head, I don't know how to explain any better.

So, it seems to come full circle. I need to lose the fear to have the intimacy and I need to have the intimacy to have the passion. Perhaps, I could have the excitement and motivation of the passion to rid the myself of the fear and embrace the intimacy.

Either way, it's a circle and last I checked there are no easy entry points.

Please.

I don't think you get it.

I barely do.

Your lips on my neck put me out of control.

Though I try to keep it.

In control.

I really want to grab you.

Hold you.

Pretend I can.

I can't stop thinking about you.

About it and about the moment.

The moment your hands land on me.

Move all over me.

Grab me.

Hold me down.

Not pretending.

I can't control myself.

My insides and my outsides.

I just want your hands grabbing me.

Your lips all over me.

Where ever. When ever. However.

Just the way you know.

I love it.

That you know how and when I want it.

That, alone, is amazing.

You get it.

Your breath alone and close to me just before your lips land,

makes me explode in the only way I know how when your around.

I think about it.

All of it.

I stare at what is left and think about how it would be used.

By you. On me.

Makes me hot and excited.

At that moment (and every other),

I take it, touch myself and when I am done,

I put it away.

In a box and try not to think about you,

on me.

Your eyes staring at me and bringing me to a whole other level.

The moment your inside me and the connection is something I can't get out of my head.

I must.

I must stop thinking about the first moment.

The first tip of the moment.

I try.

To find the box.

I can't reach it nor do I want to.

I just want you.

All of you on me.

Then reality hits.

Quiet Acid

I know that as time passes and we age, there are a lot of lessons learned or at least supposed to be. Over the past few years, I have definitely had my share of lessons learned. Most of them being at the cost of a broken heart, shed tears and raging anger.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that Love, real, true and honest love, is quiet. Strong, incredibly strong, but quiet. That, right there and for me, is one of the best lessons I have come across and one of the strongest.

I grew up in a household that was incredibly tumultuous. The moments I witnessed should have led me down a horrible path. Instead I took everything and decided that I wanted the complete opposite. I may not have known it at the time but over the years, I realized what I will and will not accept in my life. I watched as my mother stayed around as my father 'forced' her to stay. Gave her no choice and demanded that it was his way or no way. The things he did to her are not things one will easily forget. At least not me. I was incredibly frightened and cried as my sister was told who was boss in one of the worst way I could imagine. I spent so many days and nights listening to the yelling and swearing realizing that is my life and at some point thinking it was a 'normal' way to live.

Coming from this, I think I wanted someone to 'save' me. I didn't feel like I was cared for, that I was wanted or more importantly, that I was loved. So, I decided, I would go outside of the craziness and look for all of that in the arms of someone else. Finally, when I was 22, I skipped for many days as I thought that I found it. In the days and weeks to come, I went about telling everyone. My mother, my father. Everyone. 'He is wonderful'. 'He did this, that and the other thing' 'He lives in Brooklyn...'. I 'fell' for him almost instantly. I thought that what I found was perfect and I needed to let everyone know that. Instead, I think it was my out. My way of telling everyone that I am above the outrageous BS. I have found the perfect person. My perfect life raft. It was my way of being noticed and at the same time I was cared for, wanted and loved.

For a while, it was perfect. It was amazing and gave me the most amazing smile every damn day. I was so happy that I found the opposite of everyone I knew and I needed to let every one know it. I was dancing on a cloud. It happened and I was done with the life I thought was normal.

Eventually, the foundation my relationship was built on began to shake and I started to see things. Fear started to set in as I saw my future happen in just the way I wanted to move away from. At those moments, I should have just spoken up. Instead, I acted out. I was afraid. Terribly afraid to admit that I was scared. My future was written and I was determined to change it. I did. I did in the only way I knew (know) how. I ran. I ran emotionally.

I did what my mother couldn't do. I couldn't and wouldn't try to convince myself to stay and why I would do so.

I didn't want it and I still don't.

I thought about living in someone else's world. Under someone else's rules, ideas or thoughts.

I ran and eventually caused the demise. My part of it at least.

Now here I am, doing my own personal therapy and as I type each and every word, I periodically lift a hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks as I think about where I came from, what I have gone through and where I am now. I have learned a lot over the past few years.

A lot.

I have talked a lot. Listened a ton and thought more than anyone probably does in a lifetime.

That is how I have come to realize that true, all consuming love is quiet. It doesn't need to be broadcast. It doesn't get put on a billboard or yelled from a rooftop. It is between two people. It is written in the stare as they lie in bed at night. It is in the touch of skin as they hug or make love. It is in the connection of mind as they learn (know) about each other. It is there. Between them. No one else. That is what I have come to learn. That is what I have come to know. No need to broadcast. People see the connection. It is so strong people feel it and no one talks about it. They just know. It is true, real and incredible.

I haven't had that yet in my life. I loved him. I still love him. Why? I love him because he is a good person. He is an honest person and he is true. I want only the best for him and I know he will be happy with his life as he goes on but there was no connection. We had to let everyone know about us and that's not it.

Should I find the quiet in my life, I know I will be happy. Should I not, I will be happy then too. I will not compromise my happiness for the sake of what people think.

For the sake of a 'broadcast for approval'.

As I type, I need quiet. The quiet of my thoughts. A quiet connection.

I want the quiet.

Ok, I am just going to say it. I thought about how and I thought about when. I thought about you and I thought about me. About this and about where.

And here I am. Telling you in the only way I know how. I hope you hear me. I hope you see, that I still have you. I still hold you so incredibly close to me. To my heart. To my self. I wish I had you here, to hold your hand. To look at you and tell you how much I care about you. How much I love you and how much I would give anything to help you find another way through your troubles. There is not a week, a few days or a day that passes by me that I don't think about you. I don't think about the days we had, the smiles you gave me or the frustration I feel that I am here and you are there. After all this time, I still wish I could have helped you. I wish I could have run to you at that moment, looked you in the face just as you did me and remind you that no matter what else is happening, I would be there for you. I would hold your hand. I would hug you and above everything, I would tell you how much I love you and how if you did ANYTHING to yourself, no one else would matter but you and me and I would be so upset with you. When you spoke those words to me, I needed nothing else. I saw the sincerity in your eyes and the anger at my thoughts. I saw the strength in your words and the care in your hug. If only I knew what was to come.

When I think about the, what seems like, little time we had together, I wonder if there were signs. Moments that I should have seen you and what you needed. I wonder if there is something I missed. Then I realize, that is hopeless. I wish I had you here with me so I could say this all to your face. I don't and for all these years, I have wanted nothing else but that. To tell you everything. Most importantly, to tell you that I forgive you.

I am starting to see your path and your struggle. I hate to think that was your path. I hate to think you were alone.

Each and every time I think of you and the time we had, so many things come to me. I think about the endless days that you made magical, I think about the ideas you brought to life, the frowns you turned to smiles and the giggles to made into roaring laughter. I also think about the time you made me feel as if it was me and you against the world. That moment is in my mind and I struggle to understand why you did that to me. What you were trying to say, if anything. I was young and you were young. We were both trying to grow and figure this all out. That has been the justification I have given it. I can't, at all, think that you meant to be malicious or controlling. I just don't see you in that light. You were my cousin, my friend. Perhaps, at some point, I will come to understand what happened in those moments. You made it so, I can never be good enough for anything but. That makes me sad and I hate that thought more than anything I could ever express to you. Even still, I want to be angry with you. I want to hate you and see you as a bad person but I can't. I refuse. I want to keep you as the magic making, amazing person you were (are) to me.

For so long, I have been attempting to find an alternate route to 'fix' myself but I am coming to realize that in order to find the flowers, I must travel through the weeds. The ugly, overgrown weeds. I don't like thought and it frightens me uncontrollably. I am so afraid it might mean I need to let you go but I am trying to be reassured that is not what it means.

At this moments, I am looking for my rake.

I love you and I miss you but I am trying to understand.

'I am not RE-inventing anything. I am INVENTING something'

To invent means to envision and create. To think and build. To bring something new to a world of old. The idea of doing that is amazing. To think that you might add to a world where there is something for everything and everything for something is an incredible thought to me. It isn't as if this is Edison's time and the light bulb that was discovered decades earlier was being perfected, shedding light on the vastness of what the future of invention held. This is now.

This is me.

I might think of myself as a version of an inventor these days. I am imagining taking myself apart, piece by piece, laying each section in front of me and reassembling. I feel, as if, somewhere along the line or as I was being pulled from my mother, things were shifted. Thereby causing the future to require much more in the way of learning and seeing. Sometimes not making it through at all and losing any possibility of anything. That thought pains me. I think of everything I could have done, should have done or didn't do. I think of all the things I could have heard, should have heard or didn't hear. I want to make that different now.

The questions still remains. How do I go about reassembling. I wonder if when Edison came across the already discovered bulb, he knew exactly what he would do and went about it without hesitation. I wonder if he took one look at it and thought, 'This goes here and that goes there. I'll add this' and so on. Maybe he did and maybe he asked for opinions. I'll never know. What I will know (hopefully) is the steps in my invention. My invention of reassemble.

Now, back to me. As always..

This is a huge task I am putting on myself. Here I am at a point in my life that I feel I should have been, maybe not completely but for some parts, 10 years ago. I could go crazy. I could be angry, curl up and cry or scream uncontrollably but those actions have gotten me no where but here sitting in a somewhat comfortable position typing the thoughts in my head on the screen. In no way will they take apart the puzzle of me and fit the pieces back together as they should be. If I went on by that long enough, the pieces will crumble.

So? The the question begs.

HOW??

Where is the screwdriver? Where is the pliers? Where is the hammer, the wrench or the saw??

Where are the tools?

If I go long enough, maybe the tools will just appear or maybe they are under this hood marked 'STRONG'.

Today, the snow fell and it will forever make me feel like a child.

For me, it is one of the most amazing things I love to see happen. I puts me somewhere. Somewhere where things aren't crazy. The world quiets down for a while and innocence re-enters my life.

I went for a walk today and all I wanted to do was build a snowman, a fort or have a simple snowball fight. My mind wasn't on my debt, my current state or anything there about. It was clear and it was perfect. As I picked each foot up over and over and caught flakes as they landed on my tongue, I trudged through the snow and never, at any moment, did it seem like work. I was a kid again.

As I pulled my camera out to make pictures of the scene I was trying not to disturb, I melted into it. I sat down. Laying down, even. Not worrying about the fact that my cotton pants were slipping off my waist and the snow found its way down. I just did it and it was perfect. To watch the snow fall and land from a new angle removes all stress, anxiety and unhappiness you might be experiencing. Again, I was a kid.

When I returned back to the house, I brought with me a huge smile. I couldn't remove it. I literally just wanted to find someone to come out and play in the snow with me. Someone who wants to, for a moment, experience the possibility of the snowfall. I am sure that I will have a day where I could grab a hand and say 'let's go!' without any hesitation on their part. I might be 60 when it happens but I have a feeling it will happen. Don't know how, just do. It's one of those things, I suppose.

Unfortunately, as a few hours passed, cruddy thoughts slowly managed to show their face again. Some new and, of course, some old but they made their way in there. Reality (I hate that word) is that they are there and I must deal but as they worked their way in, I stared to the window and couldn't help but try to fixate on the inches of snow delicately landing and building up on the thin branches of the tree just outside. If I could have that view to fixate on all year, I might not need my weekly 'cry about my life' appointments. I could just look and imagine being a kid again where the snow on the ground made everything ok. Everything perfect.

I don't know what it is but the snow does something else for me. As I experience it and it brings me back to innocent times, it also melts my wall. Though momentarily, it takes away the block that I carry with me constantly and makes me feel lighter. Perhaps that is how I so easily go back to being a kid. There is no weight to bear for the moment. I can just be. Just stare and not think. Not worry. Not care. Of course, this is only as I am living in the snow world. Only for those moments. When all is said and done in the frozen scene, though the smile is wide across my face the wall comes right back.

I am so happy it does.

'Can you hear me now??'

'How 'bout now??'

This past summer, I spent a good portion of it teaching a course to high school students. Before I started the course, I was nervous. I had never taught in that capacity and the idea of me being in that position frightened me but something in me was ready for the challenge. So I started the gig.

As the days went on, my nerves calmed and I felt what I was there to do. In my head, at least. I grabbed that bull by the horns and ran with it. I don't know what happened but all of sudden my head was flooded with ideas, lessons and various instruction. I was on a roll and loving it. The funny thing was that I didn't know how much I was loving it until the day came of our final show. I stood back, checked out the end product of all the hard work over the previous 4 weeks and was more proud than anything in my world. Even more proud than any of my own shows. It was as if I birthed this work and it was well on it's way to full maturity taking the high road to get there. I was beyond elated.

With that, I said goodbye to my students, wished them an awesome time on the remaining weeks of summer and sent them on their way hoping (above all hope) that I did a good job.

Soon enough, I received messages from a few students that helped to reassure me that I might have done a good job or made some sort of impact on them. At those moments, the happiness that I felt on the day of our last show came back to me ten-fold. I found myself smiling, giggling and in such high spirits. It was awesome.

Today, I received a message from another student who, in her message said, 'I was really nervous and I took your advice from the summer and the photos came out amazing'. Are you kidding me??!! I couldn't tell you what that did for me. That was the best thing that I could imagine hearing at this point in my life. I don't know what exactly I told her or what she remembered but whatever it was, I am so happy that I spoke. That I taught.

I know that when I was in school, there were many things that I heard but only a few things stuck. Since my time in school, the few things that stuck with me, I use in my life all the time. They are only a few things but they help me make decisions, calm me, reassure me, inspire me and the such.

To think that I might have said something to someone where it might do the same for them over time is one of the most incredible things I could imagine.

To think I had some sort of impact is out of this world.