pas·sion

n.

1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2.

a. Ardent love.

b. Strong sexual desire;

lust.

c. The object of such love or desire.

3.

a. Boundless enthusiasm: His skills as a player don't quite match his passion for the game.

b. The object of such enthusiasm: Soccer is her passion.

4. An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger: He's been known to fly into a passion without warning.

5. Passion

a. The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper and including the Crucifixion, as related in the New Testament.

b. A narrative, musical setting, or pictorial representation of Jesus's sufferings.

6. Archaic Martyrdom.

7. Archaic Passivity.

As I worked the other night, equipment in hand, a woman approached me, struck up a conversation and ended it expressing how much she enjoyed finding someone who stepped out and is chasing their passion. Though she has no idea, she walked away from me as the word 'Passion' bounced around my head. It is a word I have been hearing a lot with regards to my life lately and just as the word 'Courage' did to me, I am lost.

In recent months, it has been suggested to me that one of the biggest struggles I am having in my life and perhaps the reason for the many road blocks is my inability for intimacy. Which as I understand it can and will only lead to passion. Real passion. If I have an intimacy problem, how is it possible I can be remotely passionate when it comes to my work. Wouldn't I need to explode with excitement? With joy? With something other than this thing weighing my hand down? Is it possible someone is seeing something I can't and don't possibly feel? How can something be seen and not (even a little bit) felt?

At one point, I thought of passion as only this state that happens between two people who can't ever get enough of one another. Now it is supposed to wrap around this thing I do on a daily basis? This thing that has nothing to do with anyone except myself? Passionate about my life? What is that?

If you haven't already gathered, I am confused. That is the only thing that I know for sure.

Is it possible that this is a word that is thrown around too much? Passion, eh??

Intimacy. Another term I struggle with but yet seem to understand my struggle with a bit more. I know I can't get close to anyone. I know why I can't get close to anyone. I know all of it and one would think that by knowing, I would be able to change it but I can't. Logically, I understand. Emotionally, no go.

Fear? Hell yes. I heard last night, 'Fear is a state of mind' and though that may be true, it is a state I can't seem to run away from at this point. Maybe soon but not now. I look at it as a mother INCREDIBLY protective of her babies to help better explain when I need to tell people why I am this way. I still get the cross-eyed, confused look but unless you are inside me, inside my head, I don't know how to explain any better.

So, it seems to come full circle. I need to lose the fear to have the intimacy and I need to have the intimacy to have the passion. Perhaps, I could have the excitement and motivation of the passion to rid the myself of the fear and embrace the intimacy.

Either way, it's a circle and last I checked there are no easy entry points.