Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I still don't know if it is 'with age comes wisdom' or if it is more like 'with enough frustration comes exhaustion and done with that' but either way I have been hearing and seeing some things very clearly these days.

I am the type of person who does not take advice easily. I will shut up and listen to it at times knowing that I will not follow it and try my best to 'do my own thing' yet other times I will verbally fight it. However, I have been trying to listen and take the advice I have been given in hope that it is what I need to lessen the anger and frustration I experience on what seems like a daily basis. So, lately I have woven it into my life and turned the hope dial up a few notches. Unfortunately, even with following the advice, I have been left in a state of disappointment, again. Why? I have no idea.

So. Back to trying my own way. Again.

Or so I thought.

In the midst of my frustration and exhaustion, I realized that I left the 'listening' dial on high. I have been hearing things that might have been said to me in the past but because of my determination to be 'right' I never heard (or seen) these things.

Recently, I have heard...

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I heard them. I am hearing (and seeing) them. Surprisingly, I feel better. Maybe it is exhaustion. Exhaustion from the crying or what have you but I get it. Something clicked.

Is clicking.

Today, I saw some things change and instead of getting crazy, crying and possibly other things, I smiled, sat back and said 'ok'. It is the natural course of things. The natural course of the state of things. I knew it would happen. Am I sad that it is happening at all? Yes but I am happy that it is happening now instead of a while back when I really was crumbling piece by piece. Back when I would have really just been a pile of myself being the result of serious heartache, anger, sadness made possible by what seemed like never ending tears and screaming. When I think my emotional life is bad now, I think back to a year ago when the thought of anything would have made me cry or hit something.

That gives me hope and makes me happy. Happy that I am hearing and seeing things. Happy that the shutter button of my emotions is clicking.

I am happy to know that I am moving in the right direction. Albeit slow and at times taking a few steps back, I am happy that the one or two steps I do take forward are BIG ones.

With each petal...

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

These days, when ever I talk to anyone about the current state of my life, I get one or all of the following responses:

'Oh your so young! You will do it again!'

'You say that now..'

'I have someone for you.'

and the best

'Online dating!'

To which my response is no.

Regardless, it all gets me thinking. Thinking about taking a chance. Most importantly, taking a chance with love. At this point of my life, I can't take the risk. I hate to look at it like that but I do. I see love (finding it, holding it and hoping it will grow) as far too much of a risk because if (when) it is gone and leaves your heart in pieces, the thought of picking everything up and piecing it all back together is far too much of an arduous task. There are only so many times something can be broken before all of the pieces are just too splintered to fit together as perfectly. It leaves too many holes.

Being the 'hopeless romantic' I am or thought I was, it makes me sad that I am not willing to take the chance but how many times does one want to be beaten with a stick before finally saying no? What really makes me sad is when on nights like tonight when the snowflakes are falling ever so gently from the clouds and the temperatures drop below freezing, all I could think was how wonderful it would be to crawl into bed with someone I love. Where not only does the warmth created by two bodies wrapped around each other keep you warm but the love exploding in the room practically makes you sweat. I found myself talking to someone about that and their answer to me was, 'Just plug the space heater in and go to sleep'. I had no response to that because how do you explain that there isn't a space heater in the world that could replace the love you might feel for someone.

I have heard many times that to feel something like true love is worth taking the risk regardless of whatever comes of it because to have it is like nothing you could ever describe. I wish, I wish I could say that I would do it but the thought frightens the daylights out of me. Perhaps it is done out of fear but for whatever reason, there is a wall. A wall around my already fragile heart that would take an army and sledgehammer to MAYBE get through. Maybe someday, maybe someone will come marching up to my wall and with all they have knock my wall down but I am incredibly PROTECTIVE of my heart and FEARFUL of being hurt that I don't have much faith.

Until then, I will look forward to each spring and all the new petals.

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me - Bic Runga

I often wish I had a crystal ball to tell the future. I wish I knew where every step I took was going to take me. I wish I knew how every decision I make was going to turn out.

I don't.

If I did, I would make sure to choose only the relationships and situations that would bring nothing but happiness and positive energy to my life.

Recently, as I listened to the reasons behind why maybe not to choose certain things due to the blind uncertainty of it all, I remember thinking (and saying) 'Isn't that what you do with every relationship you choose to enter?'

You never know. You never know the turns up head, the inclines and steep slopes. The flat terrain or sudden rain storms surrounded (hopefully) by sunny days. Basically, you enter into it with high hopes and maybe some caution depending on where you have come from.

Sometimes, relationships don't start out by choice. They are set there for you as you begin this thing called life. However, over time, as you learn more about them you may or may not decide to keep them as part of you hoping, in turn, you are making the right decision. After all, you have no way of knowing for sure. Just feeling.

At the moment one of the most important people in my life decided to do something they felt was the best for them at the moment they made it, I had no idea that is where our relationship would go. It tore through me (and still does) based on what I thought we had. I went into the future assuming it would always be that way if not better. They would always be there and until then, there was no second thought about it.

I grew, they grew, things changed and I am still trying to understand.

When I made the decision to start one of the most significant of relationships of my life, I never thought that I would be sitting here at this moment typing while in the midst of one of the hardest and uncertain times of my life. I do remember promising to stick with it through thick or thin no matter what was placed in our path. I also remember telling them that they were 'stuck with me'. Though being humorous, it was my way of admitting to myself that I was making one of the biggest decisions of my life and being 'ok' with it.

When I made the promise to be with them forever, I had know idea what the future held. I just held their hand, smiled and said 'Here we go!'. I was doing it blindly but I like to think it was also with hope.

Little did I know.

I changed, they changed, the relationship changed and drown in the storm.

Based on this, I am burned but I want to still have hope that something is going to work out. That even though I don't know how things will unfold, maybe, something will stick. I will be someones somebody. So not only when the smiles happen but the frustration builds, anger burns or sadness flows, they will know by the look in my eyes that with every bit of my being the strength of my hand as I wrap it around theirs will never, ever waver.

Questioning (scared) eyes

I have this childish, fantasy idea that everyone wants only the best for the next person but I have learned otherwise. In most cases, people are out for themselves and that has lead me to put and keep up a wall up in my life. A wall that protects me from being hurt, abused and embarrassed or at least that is the idea. I look at the people in my life through questioning eyes. Even (and maybe mostly) my family.

I want to. I really want to believe that people are real. That there could actually be someone who honestly and truly cares and wants nothing but the best but I can't. I just can't seem to take someones words, actions or what have you and believe that at the end of the day, they would be there to catch me when I fall, wipe my tears when I cry, jump for joy with me when I celebrate, hug me when I am exhausted or simply hold my hand when they see the questioning in my eyes. I honestly and truly want so much to believe. It really is tiring to not but I am SO terrified of being hurt. Of being embarrassed. Of being made a fool that I can't.

If only I could go back and change. .

My childhood was wreaked with nothing but havoc. Let downs, abusing, hurt and the such. I remember being young and hearing nothing but yelling, crying and things a young person should never see. Promises that were made but never kept amid the bullshit. I never wanted much. Just to know that I was wanted. Instead, for the most part, I was just there. It didn't matter how many floors I scrubbed, how many tears I cried or how much bullying I endured. Things came and went and I have gotten where I am because I did it. Even after hearing my mother tell me to take my toys (my career equipment) and 'put it somewhere'. '

After that, I moved into a relationship that I embraced with a smile and excitement when they came into my life. I thought that the nonsense was done. That was it. Someone WANTED me! Just what I was looking for my entire life. Someone who at the end of the day couldn't wait to see me. I meant something. For a while, that is what I thought I had but like the other relationships I had, the 'let downs' reared their ugly heads, the empty promises filled the air and the disappointment beat me down. Amazingly after all that,I want only the best for them as we go our separate ways. I want nothing from them except for them to be their happiest everyday.

I am trying.

To be strong.

To trust.

I did have moments. Moments where I thought that I had just what I needed. What I wanted through the hurricane surrounding my life. I didn't each and every time (the few times) I thought things were good. That, alone, would tell anyone that they aren't good enough. 'Take her or leave her' seems to be the theme of my life.

I just can't believe that anyone wants me for anything more than just anything. It's all just because I am there for the moment.

This is why I can't trust.

In the few cases where I thought I had something. Where I thought I was wanted. They left. More importantly, they left me with pain. The pain that has become the cement holding the bricks of my wall together.

I know it may seem as if I am whining about my life. I am sure there are others who have had their share of disappointment, let downs or empty promises but I can't speak for them. I can only talk about me which seems to be just what I need to understand.

So, there it is.

I want to trust and I hope I can or maybe someday I will find someone with a sledgehammer big enough.

My Partner

I have my share of favorite things in my life, as I am sure everyone does. Favorite foods, books, seasons, activities, movies and what have you. Within all those things I know I have favorite parts, like in the movies. In each of my movies, there is a moment (albeit scripted) that takes my breath away each and every time I see it. I know when it is going to happen, what is going to happen and who it is going to happen with yet every time I see it, I need to see every second of it so I can feel just as I have every other time. Amazing.

At the same time, I have my favorite people. At this point in my life, I have one who, in the time I had with them, gave me some of the most amazing moments I carry with me today. Lately, I am working on my emotions regarding not having them with me anymore. Some how, some where along the line, I told myself that because they are gone, I no longer have them. They have left me. Alone. By myself. No more moments. Recently, however, I was told that may not be true but I fought it. I fought it because I convinced myself that if I couldn't have them just the way I wanted them (here with me, having fun, making memories) then I can't have them at all. I just need to accept, move on and attempt to find someone (perhaps myself) who can give me amazing moments.

Not true or so I am realizing. As many tears as that may bring . .

'Why don't you talk to them?'

'That is ridiculous! Talk to them? I can't. They can't answer me back like I want. They can't hug me the way I need from them or tell me they love me, they care about me or anything!'

'Perhaps they are talking to you. You just need to be more willing to understand the language. The message'

Damn . .

This past week, I expressed how much I am certain that if they were still here with me, we would be closer than anything. They would be all that I need to tackle this world. I would know that I have a hand to hold, a hug to receive or a smile to see and that is all I would ever need as I go where ever life takes me or who I take it with. They would be my comfort zone. My amazing comfort zone. With these thoughts, I think I have been warming up to the idea that I might be able to 'talk' to them in hopes that I could get something in return. At the same time, I have kept my guard up and my hopes down.

Until a penny crossed my path.

I know that I have people in my life who get me. Those who, surprisingly, understand me and my wacky tendencies or behavior.

Very few times in my life have there been moments that I can say for certain have been amazing let alone taken my breath away but just a few days ago, I had one. I can't get it out of my mind but the more that I think about it, the more I know it was them letting me know that they are here for me. Perhaps here for me with the help of such a strong connection. As I listened, worked to gather myself and tried hard to keep the tears at bay, I begged that what I was hearing was true as I couldn't handle it otherwise. For a moment, I danced between standing and sitting, breathing and holding as I was in utter amazement of what I had just heard.

'Please don't be lying to me. Please!' is all I remember saying. A few times over.

I was promised they were real.

They were confirming that they are still my partner in crime, my hand to hold, my hug to receive and my smile to see.

Just a different setup.

AMAZING.

For one hour, once a week, I make my way to the same seat I have been taking for some time now where I try to figure out my past, present and future. As much as talking things out has saved me from complete, irreversible insanity, I would not be able to do anything if I didn't write.

Writing is my true therapy. I have been doing it my entire life. I write for calm. I write to think but most importantly - I write to breathe. Each time I do, I feel what seems like a physical release leave my head and make it's way to the paper through my hand. So when my head is full and I can't find the words, it is more frustrating than anything I could imagine. I have to get it out. I need the release.

That brings me to the last few days. The urge to take the thoughts from my mind, put them to paper and breathe again has been so intense. However, each time I have attempted to write, the more frustrated I have become. The words won't come out and I haven't been able to figure out why. It is as if there is a clog of some sort and my thoughts are just swimming around waiting for repair so they can flow.

Until now.

I try to pay attention, in my life, to the 'little' things and twice today it happened. I heard it and it was the repair I was waiting for to get things flowing again. I looked up someone else's words that are amazing to me and as I read through them (yet again) I felt everything open up. I felt lighter and calmer. The words, in just the way they are organized and I love (get) so very much, spoke to me. I heard.

Someone knows it's hard to keep an open heart. When even friends seem out to harm me.

But if I can heal a broken heart. Wouldn't time be out to charm me?

I don't know but what I am starting to realize is that Don't ya think that you need somebody? Don't ya think that you need someone? Everybody needs somebody.

I am just happy that somebody was listening on shuffle.

No Mama! No!

Today, I was invited to visit friends of mine and their new baby boy. I couldn't have been happier to get the invite and made my way there as soon as I could.

When I got to the hospital, I walked into Mama attempting to feed the newbie. Immediately, I was amazed. I was caught up in just how gentle, loving and sweet she was with him. The sound of her voice as she tried ever so slightly to rouse him from his sleep was like a dreamy lullaby. Her finger tip as she rubbed the tip of his nose ever so gently. I felt the love and bond between mother and baby instantly. I was so taken aback by her ability to BE a mother.

Soon enough, I was holding him. Feeling the light weight of this little one as he rested in the basket of my folded arms. I studied his closed eye lids, his tiny pink lips and perfect black hair. Every so often, he would open his lids and it seemed as if he was looking at me just so. As if he were studying me, letting me know he was on to me about not being his mama or, perhaps, just trying with all his might to do something he has almost never done before. See this new world he has been thrust into and will work his way through for a long time to come.

In my visit and my admiring of her amazing ability, I couldn't help but think about my past attempts to have just the same role in my life. As I sat back and witnessed her cradle the baby next to her (skin to skin, as I was told), I couldn't help but want to be doing that same thing in my life. To be creating that bond with a little one. For a minute, in my life, I think I had that chance. I had, what I thought, was a super loving husband that would have been all the love and support I would have needed to be holding a new life in my arms. The longer I sat there watching this tiny family happen, the love and care exploding in the room and the bonding taking place, the more I had to . . . . eh, doesn't matter.

What does matter is the confirmation I got for myself. I sat and watched with such admiration and I couldn't be happier for what was happening but it also reminded me that..... . . . that I could never do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason that I didn't have a baby in my last situation. I have been told it was because I was with the wrong person but that is not it. Toward the end of my visit as I held him in my arms, I thought about her gentle touch on the tip of his nose or the sweet lulling of her voice as she spoke ever so sweetly to him and I realized that I just don't have that. I don't have the 'gift of mama'. Having babies requires gentleness, sweetness, crazy love (well, that I might be able to have) and the such. I feel as if, regardless of all the babies and experience I might have in my life, I couldn't bond. I just wouldn't know how. I was amazed at the incredible bond I felt instantly, how quickly it seemed to have been happening and how it grew more and more with every touch of her finger on his tiny new nose.

It's ok. You live and you learn. I have a knack for somethings but for the mama thing, I think it is best if I just admire and help where and when I can.

When all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your

hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

- All American Rejects

It is official now. It became official last week when I got the words I have needed to hear for so long. I was hanging on to the need for the words and that was keeping me company. Keeping me from feeling so alone but that puzzle piece has been connected and now that I no longer have a need for them - it is official.

I am alone. Alone.

I no longer have a need to hold on to the past. Only a need to move on into my future. I was using my need for the words as an excuse. A reason to keep me from moving on and really starting my life again. I have no excuse now. I heard what I needed to hear.

My only question now is - how? How do I do this whole 'moving on' thing? Do I throw my important belongings in a sack, tie it to a stick and start walking or do I go to sleep one night in hopes that when the sun rises the next morning I will have 'moved on'? What does it really mean, anyway? I mean, I know that it means I am leaving my past, well, in the past but there must be a bigger meaning. Eh, maybe not. Maybe I am just asking far too many questions. Not unlike me, trust me.

I have been told that it is a gradual process. One that happens as it should and over time. Kind of like my heads up penny habit. I never know when I will come across one but it seems to happen when it should and in time.

Here's hopin' every heads up penny is moving me in the right direction.

Perspective. Mine. Yours.

This week, in a desperate attempt to pull myself from the emotional state I recently have been thrown back into, I decided to go straight to the source of the tears and drama rather then let things fester. As I dialed the number, got the 'Hello' and began the conversation - it settled with me that I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me at least. It was something that I have needed to do for a VERY long time. I didn't know I would be making the call when I did but as I said, I knew it was necessary.

It started with my request for an explanation. An explanation about why what I perceived as blatant lies were put out there. How they couldn't understand that something like that would rip through me.

'It wasn't meant like that'

'What do you mean - It wasn't meant like that?! To put something out like that?! You don't know me AT ALL if you think that wouldn't hurt as horrible as it did'

'I am telling you, it wasn't meant like that. Just a means to an end of the nonsense! It was the lesser of all evils. I was asked if you would be fine with it and I said yes.'

'You were asked if I would be fine with it and you said yes?! You REALLY don't know me. Even if, for a second and considering the situation, you thought I would be ok with it, you should have called to let me know this would be coming to me soon!'

With that, the tears (yet again) started flowing.

'Why do you want to hurt me more and more? What did I do to you that was so bad that you want to hurt me like this?'

'Are you kidding me with this!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much you hurt me!? What you did to me?!'

'Please! Please! Please tell me.'

With that, they did.

To hear it was one of the more painful things I had to endure in my emotional life. What could I say, they were right. I did everything they said. I admitted it (again) and I accepted where I was at fault. All this time, I made sure to let them know how much I am hurting. How betrayed I feel and how much the pain they have caused has put me in the place I am currently living in. I am at fault, though. I am fault for many things.

We are, though, both at fault for the quake that left the relationship in ruins and both of us trying to dig ourselves out from the rubble while attempting to rebuild our broken hearts. We have both caused serious pain to each other. Hurt that was the reaction to anger and frustration stemming mostly from expectations that simply could not or would not be met.

Eventually, the intensity of the conversation settled and we each took our emotions back and hit the cancel button.

Of course, I couldn't get what just happened out of my mind even after talking about it with a friend. I just couldn't understand what had happened and where I go from here. In yet another attempt to get my life in order, I called up what I have come to realize is my voice of reason. The one that has given me the smack back to reality that I so often need while leaving me with a hug and love afterwards.

'Hello, AP'

'Hey Baby, what's happening?'

'Nothing. Just wanted to talk'

'Talk or talk talk?'

'Talk talk.'

'OK - What's the matter?'

'Well . . . '

They listened as I poured out what just took place. I cried, they listened. I talked, they listed. I cried some more, they listened.

'I just wish I could fix it. I wish I could go back and make it better! Say things I should have said, admit things to both of us and everyone. I just want to change it! I just want to MAKE IT BETTER! I never want to hurt anyone.'

'Did you listen to them?'

'Yes.'

'Did you accept it?'

'Yes'

'Did you apologize?'

'Ye. . .'

'Then that is it! That is all you can do and now you MUST move on. You have done all you can do. You can not go back and change what you did in the past. You can only accept, apologize and learn from it.'

There was my smack. Loud and clear to me.

The conversation continued with more words that put the reality that I need to move on into even better perspective and eventually I hear -

'Now that we got that, when are you coming to visit again and what are we cooking?'

Smack back to reality if I ever got one.

How do you heal a broken heart?

I wish there were a band-aid but I can't seem to find one big enough.

I wish there were a pill but I can't seem to find one strong enough.

I wish there were . . .

I wish I wasn't sitting here at this very moment with my head lying in my hands as I stare at my phone and it blinks telling me that I have 26 messages. 26 messages that have been blinking, waiting for me to press the button and find out who wants what from me. I can't though. I can't because as I sit here, staring at the phone, I can't keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks and landing on these buttons as I attempt to type.

My heart is broken. Broken for many reasons. This morning, I received a call that has caused nothing but more heartache in my already crushed heart. It was as if it was torn from my insides, stomped on and thrown in my face. Unfortunately, I fell for it. AGAIN.

To say I feel sad, angry and frustrated would be the worlds biggest understatement.

I am sad because I couldn't be the person I am not.

I am angry because I was trying to be molded into the person I am not.

I am frustrated because I can't separate the expectations of me from the person I am not.

More tears.

I am so incredibly tired of crying. I am tired of these tears. The ones that seem to be finished and the moment the voice comes through the phone, they come back in a second. Falling, streaming, rushing down my face. For what reason, I have yet to find out but they hurt. They hurt more than I could ever tell you.

I need to find that band-aid.

That pill.

My heart hurts, bad.

I want to be alright but I don't know how to rebuild a heart that is broken. Is there a book I can buy? How do you heal a broken heart? How do you come back from the pain of it all?

I hear the voice and I fall back into it all. The sadness, the anger, the frustration and most importantly - the betrayal. The betrayal of my trust.

. . .band-aid?

. . .pill?

No more trust.

No more pain.

No more broken heart.

That is the answer. Perhaps.