'Can you hear me now??'

'How 'bout now??'

This past summer, I spent a good portion of it teaching a course to high school students. Before I started the course, I was nervous. I had never taught in that capacity and the idea of me being in that position frightened me but something in me was ready for the challenge. So I started the gig.

As the days went on, my nerves calmed and I felt what I was there to do. In my head, at least. I grabbed that bull by the horns and ran with it. I don't know what happened but all of sudden my head was flooded with ideas, lessons and various instruction. I was on a roll and loving it. The funny thing was that I didn't know how much I was loving it until the day came of our final show. I stood back, checked out the end product of all the hard work over the previous 4 weeks and was more proud than anything in my world. Even more proud than any of my own shows. It was as if I birthed this work and it was well on it's way to full maturity taking the high road to get there. I was beyond elated.

With that, I said goodbye to my students, wished them an awesome time on the remaining weeks of summer and sent them on their way hoping (above all hope) that I did a good job.

Soon enough, I received messages from a few students that helped to reassure me that I might have done a good job or made some sort of impact on them. At those moments, the happiness that I felt on the day of our last show came back to me ten-fold. I found myself smiling, giggling and in such high spirits. It was awesome.

Today, I received a message from another student who, in her message said, 'I was really nervous and I took your advice from the summer and the photos came out amazing'. Are you kidding me??!! I couldn't tell you what that did for me. That was the best thing that I could imagine hearing at this point in my life. I don't know what exactly I told her or what she remembered but whatever it was, I am so happy that I spoke. That I taught.

I know that when I was in school, there were many things that I heard but only a few things stuck. Since my time in school, the few things that stuck with me, I use in my life all the time. They are only a few things but they help me make decisions, calm me, reassure me, inspire me and the such.

To think that I might have said something to someone where it might do the same for them over time is one of the most incredible things I could imagine.

To think I had some sort of impact is out of this world.

The tree has been decorated, cookies have been baked, the cash spent and gifts wrapped. Another Christmas has come and gone and like other years, despite what state my life is in, I was determined to spend it just the way I have almost my entire life.

I did and it was the same - for the most part. As I get older and things change, I have been learning and trying to put anything that doesn't seem to fit out the door. Do I always do it? No. Do I for sure make an attempt? Hell yes! Am I successful all the time?? The jury is still out.

Ok, so now Santa is another year older, a few more pounds have been added to everyones frame and the 'once a year' china has been packed away not to be seen again for 12 months.

That leaves only one thing . . NEW YEARS!

Last year at just about this time, I was standing in a bar visiting a friend of mine who was playing with his band. In an effort to not concentrate on the mess that was my 2009, I watched as the clock counted down the minutes (then seconds) until 2010. In that time, I made small talk with the bartender even offering to be his help and poured the champagne that was inhaled just a few minutes later. I had such high hopes for the next 12 months.

Now I think that was the alcohol talking.

So, here I am one year later only this time, I have learned a lesson - forgo the hope and just do. Spending too much time on this 'hope' thing seems to take away from the doing and earning. The happening and being. The must and as is.

I decided this year, as I plan to watch the clock count down to the last seconds of 2010, I am just going to smile. Not hope, not plan, not anything. Basically, I am going to wrap up 2010 with a happy thought and open up 2011 with the same thought.

I will just be for the time being. Here's hopin'.

Happy Fuckin' New Year.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I still don't know if it is 'with age comes wisdom' or if it is more like 'with enough frustration comes exhaustion and done with that' but either way I have been hearing and seeing some things very clearly these days.

I am the type of person who does not take advice easily. I will shut up and listen to it at times knowing that I will not follow it and try my best to 'do my own thing' yet other times I will verbally fight it. However, I have been trying to listen and take the advice I have been given in hope that it is what I need to lessen the anger and frustration I experience on what seems like a daily basis. So, lately I have woven it into my life and turned the hope dial up a few notches. Unfortunately, even with following the advice, I have been left in a state of disappointment, again. Why? I have no idea.

So. Back to trying my own way. Again.

Or so I thought.

In the midst of my frustration and exhaustion, I realized that I left the 'listening' dial on high. I have been hearing things that might have been said to me in the past but because of my determination to be 'right' I never heard (or seen) these things.

Recently, I have heard...

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I heard them. I am hearing (and seeing) them. Surprisingly, I feel better. Maybe it is exhaustion. Exhaustion from the crying or what have you but I get it. Something clicked.

Is clicking.

Today, I saw some things change and instead of getting crazy, crying and possibly other things, I smiled, sat back and said 'ok'. It is the natural course of things. The natural course of the state of things. I knew it would happen. Am I sad that it is happening at all? Yes but I am happy that it is happening now instead of a while back when I really was crumbling piece by piece. Back when I would have really just been a pile of myself being the result of serious heartache, anger, sadness made possible by what seemed like never ending tears and screaming. When I think my emotional life is bad now, I think back to a year ago when the thought of anything would have made me cry or hit something.

That gives me hope and makes me happy. Happy that I am hearing and seeing things. Happy that the shutter button of my emotions is clicking.

I am happy to know that I am moving in the right direction. Albeit slow and at times taking a few steps back, I am happy that the one or two steps I do take forward are BIG ones.

With each petal...

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

These days, when ever I talk to anyone about the current state of my life, I get one or all of the following responses:

'Oh your so young! You will do it again!'

'You say that now..'

'I have someone for you.'

and the best

'Online dating!'

To which my response is no.

Regardless, it all gets me thinking. Thinking about taking a chance. Most importantly, taking a chance with love. At this point of my life, I can't take the risk. I hate to look at it like that but I do. I see love (finding it, holding it and hoping it will grow) as far too much of a risk because if (when) it is gone and leaves your heart in pieces, the thought of picking everything up and piecing it all back together is far too much of an arduous task. There are only so many times something can be broken before all of the pieces are just too splintered to fit together as perfectly. It leaves too many holes.

Being the 'hopeless romantic' I am or thought I was, it makes me sad that I am not willing to take the chance but how many times does one want to be beaten with a stick before finally saying no? What really makes me sad is when on nights like tonight when the snowflakes are falling ever so gently from the clouds and the temperatures drop below freezing, all I could think was how wonderful it would be to crawl into bed with someone I love. Where not only does the warmth created by two bodies wrapped around each other keep you warm but the love exploding in the room practically makes you sweat. I found myself talking to someone about that and their answer to me was, 'Just plug the space heater in and go to sleep'. I had no response to that because how do you explain that there isn't a space heater in the world that could replace the love you might feel for someone.

I have heard many times that to feel something like true love is worth taking the risk regardless of whatever comes of it because to have it is like nothing you could ever describe. I wish, I wish I could say that I would do it but the thought frightens the daylights out of me. Perhaps it is done out of fear but for whatever reason, there is a wall. A wall around my already fragile heart that would take an army and sledgehammer to MAYBE get through. Maybe someday, maybe someone will come marching up to my wall and with all they have knock my wall down but I am incredibly PROTECTIVE of my heart and FEARFUL of being hurt that I don't have much faith.

Until then, I will look forward to each spring and all the new petals.

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me - Bic Runga

I often wish I had a crystal ball to tell the future. I wish I knew where every step I took was going to take me. I wish I knew how every decision I make was going to turn out.

I don't.

If I did, I would make sure to choose only the relationships and situations that would bring nothing but happiness and positive energy to my life.

Recently, as I listened to the reasons behind why maybe not to choose certain things due to the blind uncertainty of it all, I remember thinking (and saying) 'Isn't that what you do with every relationship you choose to enter?'

You never know. You never know the turns up head, the inclines and steep slopes. The flat terrain or sudden rain storms surrounded (hopefully) by sunny days. Basically, you enter into it with high hopes and maybe some caution depending on where you have come from.

Sometimes, relationships don't start out by choice. They are set there for you as you begin this thing called life. However, over time, as you learn more about them you may or may not decide to keep them as part of you hoping, in turn, you are making the right decision. After all, you have no way of knowing for sure. Just feeling.

At the moment one of the most important people in my life decided to do something they felt was the best for them at the moment they made it, I had no idea that is where our relationship would go. It tore through me (and still does) based on what I thought we had. I went into the future assuming it would always be that way if not better. They would always be there and until then, there was no second thought about it.

I grew, they grew, things changed and I am still trying to understand.

When I made the decision to start one of the most significant of relationships of my life, I never thought that I would be sitting here at this moment typing while in the midst of one of the hardest and uncertain times of my life. I do remember promising to stick with it through thick or thin no matter what was placed in our path. I also remember telling them that they were 'stuck with me'. Though being humorous, it was my way of admitting to myself that I was making one of the biggest decisions of my life and being 'ok' with it.

When I made the promise to be with them forever, I had know idea what the future held. I just held their hand, smiled and said 'Here we go!'. I was doing it blindly but I like to think it was also with hope.

Little did I know.

I changed, they changed, the relationship changed and drown in the storm.

Based on this, I am burned but I want to still have hope that something is going to work out. That even though I don't know how things will unfold, maybe, something will stick. I will be someones somebody. So not only when the smiles happen but the frustration builds, anger burns or sadness flows, they will know by the look in my eyes that with every bit of my being the strength of my hand as I wrap it around theirs will never, ever waver.

Questioning (scared) eyes

I have this childish, fantasy idea that everyone wants only the best for the next person but I have learned otherwise. In most cases, people are out for themselves and that has lead me to put and keep up a wall up in my life. A wall that protects me from being hurt, abused and embarrassed or at least that is the idea. I look at the people in my life through questioning eyes. Even (and maybe mostly) my family.

I want to. I really want to believe that people are real. That there could actually be someone who honestly and truly cares and wants nothing but the best but I can't. I just can't seem to take someones words, actions or what have you and believe that at the end of the day, they would be there to catch me when I fall, wipe my tears when I cry, jump for joy with me when I celebrate, hug me when I am exhausted or simply hold my hand when they see the questioning in my eyes. I honestly and truly want so much to believe. It really is tiring to not but I am SO terrified of being hurt. Of being embarrassed. Of being made a fool that I can't.

If only I could go back and change. .

My childhood was wreaked with nothing but havoc. Let downs, abusing, hurt and the such. I remember being young and hearing nothing but yelling, crying and things a young person should never see. Promises that were made but never kept amid the bullshit. I never wanted much. Just to know that I was wanted. Instead, for the most part, I was just there. It didn't matter how many floors I scrubbed, how many tears I cried or how much bullying I endured. Things came and went and I have gotten where I am because I did it. Even after hearing my mother tell me to take my toys (my career equipment) and 'put it somewhere'. '

After that, I moved into a relationship that I embraced with a smile and excitement when they came into my life. I thought that the nonsense was done. That was it. Someone WANTED me! Just what I was looking for my entire life. Someone who at the end of the day couldn't wait to see me. I meant something. For a while, that is what I thought I had but like the other relationships I had, the 'let downs' reared their ugly heads, the empty promises filled the air and the disappointment beat me down. Amazingly after all that,I want only the best for them as we go our separate ways. I want nothing from them except for them to be their happiest everyday.

I am trying.

To be strong.

To trust.

I did have moments. Moments where I thought that I had just what I needed. What I wanted through the hurricane surrounding my life. I didn't each and every time (the few times) I thought things were good. That, alone, would tell anyone that they aren't good enough. 'Take her or leave her' seems to be the theme of my life.

I just can't believe that anyone wants me for anything more than just anything. It's all just because I am there for the moment.

This is why I can't trust.

In the few cases where I thought I had something. Where I thought I was wanted. They left. More importantly, they left me with pain. The pain that has become the cement holding the bricks of my wall together.

I know it may seem as if I am whining about my life. I am sure there are others who have had their share of disappointment, let downs or empty promises but I can't speak for them. I can only talk about me which seems to be just what I need to understand.

So, there it is.

I want to trust and I hope I can or maybe someday I will find someone with a sledgehammer big enough.

My Partner

I have my share of favorite things in my life, as I am sure everyone does. Favorite foods, books, seasons, activities, movies and what have you. Within all those things I know I have favorite parts, like in the movies. In each of my movies, there is a moment (albeit scripted) that takes my breath away each and every time I see it. I know when it is going to happen, what is going to happen and who it is going to happen with yet every time I see it, I need to see every second of it so I can feel just as I have every other time. Amazing.

At the same time, I have my favorite people. At this point in my life, I have one who, in the time I had with them, gave me some of the most amazing moments I carry with me today. Lately, I am working on my emotions regarding not having them with me anymore. Some how, some where along the line, I told myself that because they are gone, I no longer have them. They have left me. Alone. By myself. No more moments. Recently, however, I was told that may not be true but I fought it. I fought it because I convinced myself that if I couldn't have them just the way I wanted them (here with me, having fun, making memories) then I can't have them at all. I just need to accept, move on and attempt to find someone (perhaps myself) who can give me amazing moments.

Not true or so I am realizing. As many tears as that may bring . .

'Why don't you talk to them?'

'That is ridiculous! Talk to them? I can't. They can't answer me back like I want. They can't hug me the way I need from them or tell me they love me, they care about me or anything!'

'Perhaps they are talking to you. You just need to be more willing to understand the language. The message'

Damn . .

This past week, I expressed how much I am certain that if they were still here with me, we would be closer than anything. They would be all that I need to tackle this world. I would know that I have a hand to hold, a hug to receive or a smile to see and that is all I would ever need as I go where ever life takes me or who I take it with. They would be my comfort zone. My amazing comfort zone. With these thoughts, I think I have been warming up to the idea that I might be able to 'talk' to them in hopes that I could get something in return. At the same time, I have kept my guard up and my hopes down.

Until a penny crossed my path.

I know that I have people in my life who get me. Those who, surprisingly, understand me and my wacky tendencies or behavior.

Very few times in my life have there been moments that I can say for certain have been amazing let alone taken my breath away but just a few days ago, I had one. I can't get it out of my mind but the more that I think about it, the more I know it was them letting me know that they are here for me. Perhaps here for me with the help of such a strong connection. As I listened, worked to gather myself and tried hard to keep the tears at bay, I begged that what I was hearing was true as I couldn't handle it otherwise. For a moment, I danced between standing and sitting, breathing and holding as I was in utter amazement of what I had just heard.

'Please don't be lying to me. Please!' is all I remember saying. A few times over.

I was promised they were real.

They were confirming that they are still my partner in crime, my hand to hold, my hug to receive and my smile to see.

Just a different setup.

AMAZING.

For one hour, once a week, I make my way to the same seat I have been taking for some time now where I try to figure out my past, present and future. As much as talking things out has saved me from complete, irreversible insanity, I would not be able to do anything if I didn't write.

Writing is my true therapy. I have been doing it my entire life. I write for calm. I write to think but most importantly - I write to breathe. Each time I do, I feel what seems like a physical release leave my head and make it's way to the paper through my hand. So when my head is full and I can't find the words, it is more frustrating than anything I could imagine. I have to get it out. I need the release.

That brings me to the last few days. The urge to take the thoughts from my mind, put them to paper and breathe again has been so intense. However, each time I have attempted to write, the more frustrated I have become. The words won't come out and I haven't been able to figure out why. It is as if there is a clog of some sort and my thoughts are just swimming around waiting for repair so they can flow.

Until now.

I try to pay attention, in my life, to the 'little' things and twice today it happened. I heard it and it was the repair I was waiting for to get things flowing again. I looked up someone else's words that are amazing to me and as I read through them (yet again) I felt everything open up. I felt lighter and calmer. The words, in just the way they are organized and I love (get) so very much, spoke to me. I heard.

Someone knows it's hard to keep an open heart. When even friends seem out to harm me.

But if I can heal a broken heart. Wouldn't time be out to charm me?

I don't know but what I am starting to realize is that Don't ya think that you need somebody? Don't ya think that you need someone? Everybody needs somebody.

I am just happy that somebody was listening on shuffle.

No Mama! No!

Today, I was invited to visit friends of mine and their new baby boy. I couldn't have been happier to get the invite and made my way there as soon as I could.

When I got to the hospital, I walked into Mama attempting to feed the newbie. Immediately, I was amazed. I was caught up in just how gentle, loving and sweet she was with him. The sound of her voice as she tried ever so slightly to rouse him from his sleep was like a dreamy lullaby. Her finger tip as she rubbed the tip of his nose ever so gently. I felt the love and bond between mother and baby instantly. I was so taken aback by her ability to BE a mother.

Soon enough, I was holding him. Feeling the light weight of this little one as he rested in the basket of my folded arms. I studied his closed eye lids, his tiny pink lips and perfect black hair. Every so often, he would open his lids and it seemed as if he was looking at me just so. As if he were studying me, letting me know he was on to me about not being his mama or, perhaps, just trying with all his might to do something he has almost never done before. See this new world he has been thrust into and will work his way through for a long time to come.

In my visit and my admiring of her amazing ability, I couldn't help but think about my past attempts to have just the same role in my life. As I sat back and witnessed her cradle the baby next to her (skin to skin, as I was told), I couldn't help but want to be doing that same thing in my life. To be creating that bond with a little one. For a minute, in my life, I think I had that chance. I had, what I thought, was a super loving husband that would have been all the love and support I would have needed to be holding a new life in my arms. The longer I sat there watching this tiny family happen, the love and care exploding in the room and the bonding taking place, the more I had to . . . . eh, doesn't matter.

What does matter is the confirmation I got for myself. I sat and watched with such admiration and I couldn't be happier for what was happening but it also reminded me that..... . . . that I could never do it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason that I didn't have a baby in my last situation. I have been told it was because I was with the wrong person but that is not it. Toward the end of my visit as I held him in my arms, I thought about her gentle touch on the tip of his nose or the sweet lulling of her voice as she spoke ever so sweetly to him and I realized that I just don't have that. I don't have the 'gift of mama'. Having babies requires gentleness, sweetness, crazy love (well, that I might be able to have) and the such. I feel as if, regardless of all the babies and experience I might have in my life, I couldn't bond. I just wouldn't know how. I was amazed at the incredible bond I felt instantly, how quickly it seemed to have been happening and how it grew more and more with every touch of her finger on his tiny new nose.

It's ok. You live and you learn. I have a knack for somethings but for the mama thing, I think it is best if I just admire and help where and when I can.

When all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your

hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through

- All American Rejects

It is official now. It became official last week when I got the words I have needed to hear for so long. I was hanging on to the need for the words and that was keeping me company. Keeping me from feeling so alone but that puzzle piece has been connected and now that I no longer have a need for them - it is official.

I am alone. Alone.

I no longer have a need to hold on to the past. Only a need to move on into my future. I was using my need for the words as an excuse. A reason to keep me from moving on and really starting my life again. I have no excuse now. I heard what I needed to hear.

My only question now is - how? How do I do this whole 'moving on' thing? Do I throw my important belongings in a sack, tie it to a stick and start walking or do I go to sleep one night in hopes that when the sun rises the next morning I will have 'moved on'? What does it really mean, anyway? I mean, I know that it means I am leaving my past, well, in the past but there must be a bigger meaning. Eh, maybe not. Maybe I am just asking far too many questions. Not unlike me, trust me.

I have been told that it is a gradual process. One that happens as it should and over time. Kind of like my heads up penny habit. I never know when I will come across one but it seems to happen when it should and in time.

Here's hopin' every heads up penny is moving me in the right direction.