Why?

In speaking to a friend of mine earlier, he said something that struck me pretty deep.

He said, 'we will never know why.'

He was referring to something that happened to him years ago. Why did it happen this way and not the other way which would have, for sure, had a very different outcome. Naturally, we think that it happened the way it did because everything happens for a reason and though at the time it may not have been clear, he was meant for something else. Since then he has built a business, met the love of his life and made a family with her that he couldn't be any more in love with. Was that his purpose? Who knows but he is happy. That much is fact.

That leads me to me. I have many 'whys' in my life. Many questions that I need an answer to but know that I won't get them.

Why did you go away?

That is the big one that I will never get an answer to. So, should I just accept it as the case and move on? Should I just say to myself that it is what it is and leave it at that? Should I just trust that the decision that was made was right (for them) and because I love them as much as I do, I want them to do whatever it is that makes (made) them happy?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

I am trying to answer the 'whys' on my own but to no avail.

Perhaps my friend is right. Sometimes we will never know why.

Never?

Really??

Accept, Except and the Victim

At this point in my life, my weekly therapy sessions have become, not only, healing but necessary. Though, up to recently, I had convinced myself that 'I got it', I don't and sitting for an hour a week to 'figure' out the current state of my life, as well as, the past and sometimes future has, pretty much, saved me for now.

This week, three VERY important topics came into play. As I began the session, delving deeper into my life, I said (what I thought was simple) that I just need to 'accept' and move on. Quickly, I was challenged.

'What does that mean? Accept it?'

What do you mean - what does that mean? It means, I don't have to agree with it. I just need to accept it as the case and MOVE ON.'

Still, I got - 'What does that mean?'.

I sat there, stunned for a moment. 'Till now, I thought I knew what it meant. 'Till I was challenged, of course. Now, I am at a loss.

What does it mean and how might one figure it out?

In an effort to answer the question, I looked up Webster's definition of Accept and got:

transitive verb

1

a : to receive willingly <accept a gift>b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added) accept ink>

2

: to give admittance or approval to <accept her as one of the group>

3

a : to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions>b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable accepted>c : to recognize as true : believe accept the explanation>

4

a : to make a favorable response to <accept an offer>b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>

5

: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in paymentaccept personal checks>

6

: to receive (a legislative report) officially

All of which did not help me. So here I sit, even as I type this, wondering what it means and should I ever really figure it out, will it come easily or will it be an arduous process I must endure in order to MOVE ON?

Stay tuned..

The next topic that came up was 'Except'.

Everyone except me.

Everything except me.

I suppose, the next topic of 'The Victim' might go hand in hand here. I went to this weeks session with, what was to me, a big question.

'Why can't I..'

The following was the response I received:

'I think you know the answer to that question'

And I did, though I failed to realize it until that moment.

I'm playing the victim.

Silence.. for a moment.

'Why do I do that?'

'Because you scrubbed floors for attention, that's why.'

At this point, I like to think that the 'fix' will be something as simply putting down the scrub brush, standing up and walking away from the bucket of dirty water but I know I need to accept that won't be the case and I will attempt to continue on with my life except not as the victim.

I miss you.

I miss you, terribly.

There, I said it.

Recently, as I was discussing future careers with my students, I found myself telling them about you and smiling. I felt a surge of happiness and remembered just how proud I am of you and your accomplishments.

Then I closed up.

'Stop it! You can't be proud. Your apart. Done. Finished.'

I had to ask a friend (well multiple, actually) if it was ok. Ok for me to talk about you and still feel all the positive things.

They said yes and I opened up. I allowed myself to feel them but since that day, I can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop imagining everything happening in my life with you in it. Thinking, 'This is what would happen if...' 'This is how my night would go if...' etc. I take naps in 'our' place and as I lie there in my 'spot', I can't help but feel as if something ('er someone') is missing.

I want to say that all of this makes me sad. Well, it does and it doesn't. I am sad that we are at this place (as we have been for quite some time) but I am not sad that we are being true to ourselves. That makes me think, though, is being true to ourselves just something that we need to 'do' for a while and things could be different or is it a permanent state?' Then that leads me to wonder what I am actually missing. Am I missing the comfort of you, of us, of our place in life and I might find that again someday in a different situation or am I missing YOU?

As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I couldn't help but think about how our arms would have been intertwined just so around me.

Something only we could do...

Thinking is an incredible thing. Such an incredible thing that too much of it could make even the sanest of sane people crazy.

Recent events in my life have required some deep thinking and I am fairly certain that I could very well be considered certifiable at this point. I am currently searching for a 'Thinking Recovery Center'. Some place I can go where I can be weaned off my constant thought cloggings and concentrate solely on day to day activities. If I ever did come across a place as such, I am fully prepared for the withdrawal process. I accept it. Anything to take these never ending thoughts, toss them to the wind and turn away just as the breeze picks them up and carries them into the distance. Far, far away from here. From me. From everything.

Dear Cause of the Hurt,

It has been some time since my already fragile heart was smashed to pieces but I need you to know that I will be ok. I am ok, actually. In the time that has passed since everything went down, I have spent an incredible amount of time thinking about all that has happened. Then I had a moment. A moment similar to what you might see in some movie. It was as if the clouds parted and I instantly saw things clearly. I saw YOU clearly.

It all makes sense and I understand.

Never again will I allow you into my life in that way. Never again will you have the chance to inflict such pain and heartache on me.

I see you and I see me and never again will I see us.

I wish you the best in your search for you,

Victim of your Confusion

Courage?

As of late, the word courage has come into play in my life. So much so, that I have been thinking about what, exactly, courage means for quite some time.

Hmmm....

Off the bat, the thought that comes to mind is that of the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz. That thought, however, is short lived. My thoughts continue on, what is this thing called courage??

As far as I am concerned, I just 'do'. If I feel like doing it, for the most part - I do. Regardless of opinions, facts, truths or lies. I might confide in a close friend and seek advice but at the end of the day, I'm either doing it or not, regardless.

Is that courage?

If so, I just refer to it as decision making.

Could they be one in the same? Is decision making courageous?

Are we not like two volumes of one book?

~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

I am the type of person who allows VERY few people close to me. I have been hurt WAY too many times in my life, so in an effort to protect myself, I pick and choose carefully. Though this may sound sad and unfortunate, it has actually brought to light some great things. For instance, I recognize when a relationship is special, when feelings are real and when people are true (for the most part).

When people meet and make relationships with one another, it could happen for many reasons. How that relationship works, is particular to them and could be the most amazing thing in the world. Having had my share of relationships in my life thus far (albeit romantic, friends etc.), I can know when someone comes into my life and we work on ALL fronts, just how rare and absolutely amazing that truly is to have. By all fronts I mean, intimately/physically, friendship, business etc. It's like nothing you could ever really express when you meet someone and you just 'work' in all situations. For every situation you might enter into together, you just fall into your particular roles. There is no question, no arguing, no anything. It's like everything just clicks into place when you enter the situation. You each work in your role, whatever that may be and move onto the next thing in the relationship. You have the utmost respect for each other. To be able to do that is just SO incredible. You just don't find that anywhere. In my experience, couples work here but not there. They can be together in a romantic/relationship sense but could never be in each others business/work environment. Some make great friends but could never spend the night together. Others, still, might be able to spend the night, work together but could never be romantic. I think you get the idea.

When I was young, though I might not have known fully what it meant, I considered myself a hopeless romantic. I remember a night, while working at my first job, we would always have the local radio station on and at a certain time, they would take song requests. So, I built up the courage to put my thoughts out there and called them up. The song I requested was 'Somewhere out there' and I dedicated it to no one in particular. When I was asked who it was for, I said just that - 'Not for anyone in particular, just putting it out there'.

As I hung up the phone, I smiled.

Feelings are amazing things. They could be good. They good be bad or they could be just downright confusing and frustrating.

Recently, I allowed feelings into my life that, for a long time, I tried to suppress for many reasons. Over time, after assessing the situation, I decided I would allow them in. At first, I thought it was ok. That I made the right decision and it would all turn out for the better. Then something came and bit me in the ass. Something that said, 'Hold up! No go! Drop the feelings and step away from the situation!'

Since then, my head and my heart have been at war.

As a friend has repeated to me over and over, (perhaps not word for word) the head and the heart won't agree. The heart wants what it wants even though the head screams otherwise.

Logic and love DO NOT go hand in hand.

I am the type of person who holds their feelings VERY close to them. I allow VERY few people into my world. So when I felt these things happening, tried to suppress them and then let them happen - I knew they were the real deal. Unfortunately, when it became very real to me that the situation was going to play out as such, my heart was the first to take the brunt of the pain but in the weeks since, my body has felt it as well. It is amazing what this can do to you. You can't eat, you can't sleep, can't think or stop crying.

The impact to these feelings has been so real, I would feel it physically. Really, feeling physically sick. It's like withdrawal.

Real, pure, emotional withdrawal.

What's worse (as if there could be anything) is to find out - it's just you.

Considering.

It started with a smile,

with a look and then words.

I felt something, something then that I knew was something special.

Considering. Considering.

'Just enjoy the ride'

That's what I said

'Time will reveal'

That's what you said

Considering. Considering.

When did it happen?

When did those words mean nothing?

Did they ever mean anything?

I used to smile at the thought, the thought that it was that easy.

That there was a possibility.

A possibility of something.

I no longer smile.

I lay at night.

Unable to sleep and wondering why.

My thoughts begin to get away from me and I search desperately for the lasso.

I feel something,

something new,

something impossible.

Everything feels surreal, all of a sudden.

The lasso isn't working and my thoughts have run off leaving me shaken and confused.

I lay.

Unable to sleep.

Knowing why.