Are we not like two volumes of one book?

~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

I am the type of person who allows VERY few people close to me. I have been hurt WAY too many times in my life, so in an effort to protect myself, I pick and choose carefully. Though this may sound sad and unfortunate, it has actually brought to light some great things. For instance, I recognize when a relationship is special, when feelings are real and when people are true (for the most part).

When people meet and make relationships with one another, it could happen for many reasons. How that relationship works, is particular to them and could be the most amazing thing in the world. Having had my share of relationships in my life thus far (albeit romantic, friends etc.), I can know when someone comes into my life and we work on ALL fronts, just how rare and absolutely amazing that truly is to have. By all fronts I mean, intimately/physically, friendship, business etc. It's like nothing you could ever really express when you meet someone and you just 'work' in all situations. For every situation you might enter into together, you just fall into your particular roles. There is no question, no arguing, no anything. It's like everything just clicks into place when you enter the situation. You each work in your role, whatever that may be and move onto the next thing in the relationship. You have the utmost respect for each other. To be able to do that is just SO incredible. You just don't find that anywhere. In my experience, couples work here but not there. They can be together in a romantic/relationship sense but could never be in each others business/work environment. Some make great friends but could never spend the night together. Others, still, might be able to spend the night, work together but could never be romantic. I think you get the idea.

When I was young, though I might not have known fully what it meant, I considered myself a hopeless romantic. I remember a night, while working at my first job, we would always have the local radio station on and at a certain time, they would take song requests. So, I built up the courage to put my thoughts out there and called them up. The song I requested was 'Somewhere out there' and I dedicated it to no one in particular. When I was asked who it was for, I said just that - 'Not for anyone in particular, just putting it out there'.

As I hung up the phone, I smiled.

Feelings are amazing things. They could be good. They good be bad or they could be just downright confusing and frustrating.

Recently, I allowed feelings into my life that, for a long time, I tried to suppress for many reasons. Over time, after assessing the situation, I decided I would allow them in. At first, I thought it was ok. That I made the right decision and it would all turn out for the better. Then something came and bit me in the ass. Something that said, 'Hold up! No go! Drop the feelings and step away from the situation!'

Since then, my head and my heart have been at war.

As a friend has repeated to me over and over, (perhaps not word for word) the head and the heart won't agree. The heart wants what it wants even though the head screams otherwise.

Logic and love DO NOT go hand in hand.

I am the type of person who holds their feelings VERY close to them. I allow VERY few people into my world. So when I felt these things happening, tried to suppress them and then let them happen - I knew they were the real deal. Unfortunately, when it became very real to me that the situation was going to play out as such, my heart was the first to take the brunt of the pain but in the weeks since, my body has felt it as well. It is amazing what this can do to you. You can't eat, you can't sleep, can't think or stop crying.

The impact to these feelings has been so real, I would feel it physically. Really, feeling physically sick. It's like withdrawal.

Real, pure, emotional withdrawal.

What's worse (as if there could be anything) is to find out - it's just you.

Considering.

It started with a smile,

with a look and then words.

I felt something, something then that I knew was something special.

Considering. Considering.

'Just enjoy the ride'

That's what I said

'Time will reveal'

That's what you said

Considering. Considering.

When did it happen?

When did those words mean nothing?

Did they ever mean anything?

I used to smile at the thought, the thought that it was that easy.

That there was a possibility.

A possibility of something.

I no longer smile.

I lay at night.

Unable to sleep and wondering why.

My thoughts begin to get away from me and I search desperately for the lasso.

I feel something,

something new,

something impossible.

Everything feels surreal, all of a sudden.

The lasso isn't working and my thoughts have run off leaving me shaken and confused.

I lay.

Unable to sleep.

Knowing why.

For a long time now, I have been searching for an explanation. A reason why things are happening or why my life has suddenly taken this path. In my struggle to know why, I have forgotten about me. I am not a bad person, nor am I not worth good and happy things in my life. Unfortunately, I so desperately wanted to know yet another explanation for the negative things in my life and lost track of all the good.

I have a lot happening. Maybe some of it isn't best but the longer that I sit around and try to figure out why it's happening, the more time I miss out on the good things in my life. The people that care, the advancements in my career, the development of new ideas and ventures and just taking each day as it comes.

I begin to wonder why it is I feel the need to concentrate so much on the bad things. It, in no way, makes me feel good and if anything, makes me want to crawl under the covers and call it a day. Everyday.

I heard someone say once, the negative is just so much easier to believe.

Why is it so hard for myself (and many other people, I'm sure) to focus on the good?

I like to say that I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason and as it should. This, in no way, means that what happens is always enjoyable and/or like-able but when it does happen like that it really is just simply amazing.

At one point this weekend, as I sat working, my phone alerted me to a message that was coming in. As I read the message, a smile grew from ear to ear. It was a message from a long distance friend who happened to be in town for work and wanted to see if I was available for dinner. What?! Of course I am! We hadn't seen one another for quite some time and I knew it would just be so great to catch up. We have the kind of relationship that we can go some time with out speaking but when we do finally manage to see each other, we pick up right where we left off. Updating each other on our lives, cracking jokes and the such. It was just what I needed at just the moment I needed it. We spent as much time together as we could because we both know that it could be a while before we would be able to do this again.

It was wonderful. To just be in the moment and enjoy each others company. For the time being, I allowed all the other crap going on in my life to take a back seat and enjoy the splash of refreshment that re-entered my life, if only for a short while. Turns out, seeing them again and having dinner, did more than just give a short reprieve from the nonsense. It showed me, yet again, that I will be ok. That I do have many people in my life who care about me and want only good things for me and my life. It showed me that, though it is few and far between these days, I will smile and laugh again on a more consistent basis.

It showed how complete a feeling it is to know that people will come and go but the true ones, the ones who care and who I care about will ALWAYS be able to pick up right where they leave off.

Alright, I admit it. I miss it. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to bounce things off of and someone to fall asleep on. I miss knowing that no matter what happens in my day, there will be someone to give me hug and tell me it will all be ok. These days, I have to pay someone to tell me it will all be ok and they don't even do that. I have to realize it on my own.

That's where I am in my life. On my own. It's a scary place and one that if I had the choice, I wouldn't be in this place. Well, wait, I guess you could say that I did have a choice but the way I see it, the choice has been made and this is just more like the consequences. Who ever liked consequences anyway?

I lay here and think about the nights I spent in his arms, some nights happy and content and others screaming for him to let go. Now I am laying here missing those arms to fall asleep in and wondering why I ever had those thoughts. I think that I am only having these thoughts simply because I am missing the option.

Perhaps I am being selfish.

Who knows.

I know I could never go back.

It's done.

We weren't in the right place together and perhaps not the right place apart either but that is what led to our demise.

I think.

I know it's for the best but I miss you and your arms.

When I was a child, I experienced something that, I can only hope, would cease some day. For a long time, I have been carrying it with me in hopes that it would just 'go away'. It hasn't and I have yet to accept it, though, I seem to be getting ever closer. I hope.

At the time, I thought that I was on top of the world. That nothing wrong could happen and that I was safe. Though I might not have necessarily been 'wrong' about feeling these things, they weren't really the feelings one might take out of a situation as such. What did I know? It has only been in recent months that I made the decision that what happened shouldn't have and I need to deal with it so I can finally put it behind me and move on.

So much easier said than done.

In my attempt, I have managed to drudge up some nasty feelings. Feelings that make me want to rewind time, put myself in a different place and try again. Everyone knows that can't happen but everyone also wishes they could from time to time. I know I have. Since that is not an option, I can only work through the nasty feelings that arise a bit at a time until all is said and done and I will only know this situation as the one in the heap behind me that I have moved on from.

I just wish there were some way to speed up the process but I suppose I should remind myself that, I have been holding on to this for at least 17 years so how could I imagine it could be dealt with in 17 minutes?

Patience, my child. Patience.

Transition

I have always wondered about transition. How does it happen? When? What do I do? Recently, I've learned that it just happens. It just is what it is and sometimes you realize it and sometimes, not so much.

As these days go by, the thoughts in my mind have been transitioning from 'what the fuck am I going to do!?' to 'Ok, I got this.I'm going to be ok'. It happens at the oddest moments, too. When I am doing the dishes and rinsing the suds, a thought passes. As I sit and try to lose myself in the monotony that is TV, another thought makes its way. As I wake up, stretch and attempt to start a new day...well you get the idea.

It doesn't ever bother me, when these thoughts happen. It excites me, actually. Gives me a sense of hope. Don't get me wrong, just as my luck seems to go, as soon as I have a thought as such, I go to my mailbox and find a bill from traffic court for an unlawful speedometer (whatever that means). Does it blow up my happy moment? Sometimes, yes but I have been trying to lessen the amount of time I let it bother me. Who would have thought that being in control and taking care of yourself would require so much effort and work? Perhaps as time goes on, it won't.

Who knows.

These days I often find myself thinking about my life. Where I've been, How I got here and ( I guess the only next logical thing) where am I going? The more that these thoughts pass through my head, the more confused I seem to get. I hope that one memory or lesson learned might give the answer for a new question/problem I might have but I have yet to have that happen.

I have been talking more, getting more involved, meeting new people and just, in general, attempting to leave my hermit hole that I has managed to keep me 'safe' 'till now. I have to say, for the most part, it has been good for me. The more that it happens, the more I think to myself, 'Why the hell have I waited so damn long!?'.

Could it be, as they say, everything happens in due time? Could it be that up until now I just haven't been ready or maybe it just took the current state of things in my life to shake me around and get me moving.

Another thing is, why am I always looking for answers? Why am I finding it so difficult to just accept things as they are and 'keep moving'? In talking to various people these days, I am often asked (or told) that. Why are you questioning it? So and so is not going to change. The situation is not going to be any different.

I thought it's a good thing to question things in life. Could it be that there is a fine line between questioning and obsessing?