This weekend I drove upstate to watch friends vow to love and be true to one another for the rest of their lives. As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about the day that I stood in just the same position, promising the same to my husband. I tried to be there, in the moment. I am more than happy for them but I just couldn't take my mind off of the current state of things in my life.I felt as if tears would begin to flow but they never came. Perhaps because I am bitter or maybe my tears have dried up.

How does it happen? How do you stand in front of all your friends and family, look each other in the eyes, vow to be with that person with your whole self for the rest of your life and then one day - it's just done. Does that mean it wasn't real? Does that mean that the words you spoke on that day meant nothing? How could that be? Those words shouldn't be said with a disclaimer. They should be true. Real. Honest. To be that, I suppose, one must be honest with themselves.

I think that's where we, well I (because I can only speak for myself), went wrong. I did love him. I still do with my whole heart. I don't think that I could ever stop but I wasn't being true to me. I don't think I knew it at the time, either. All I knew is that I was getting married to this wonderful man and my life was about to 'begin'.

Little did I know.