Alright, I admit it. I miss it. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to bounce things off of and someone to fall asleep on. I miss knowing that no matter what happens in my day, there will be someone to give me hug and tell me it will all be ok. These days, I have to pay someone to tell me it will all be ok and they don't even do that. I have to realize it on my own.

That's where I am in my life. On my own. It's a scary place and one that if I had the choice, I wouldn't be in this place. Well, wait, I guess you could say that I did have a choice but the way I see it, the choice has been made and this is just more like the consequences. Who ever liked consequences anyway?

I lay here and think about the nights I spent in his arms, some nights happy and content and others screaming for him to let go. Now I am laying here missing those arms to fall asleep in and wondering why I ever had those thoughts. I think that I am only having these thoughts simply because I am missing the option.

Perhaps I am being selfish.

Who knows.

I know I could never go back.

It's done.

We weren't in the right place together and perhaps not the right place apart either but that is what led to our demise.

I think.

I know it's for the best but I miss you and your arms.

When I was a child, I experienced something that, I can only hope, would cease some day. For a long time, I have been carrying it with me in hopes that it would just 'go away'. It hasn't and I have yet to accept it, though, I seem to be getting ever closer. I hope.

At the time, I thought that I was on top of the world. That nothing wrong could happen and that I was safe. Though I might not have necessarily been 'wrong' about feeling these things, they weren't really the feelings one might take out of a situation as such. What did I know? It has only been in recent months that I made the decision that what happened shouldn't have and I need to deal with it so I can finally put it behind me and move on.

So much easier said than done.

In my attempt, I have managed to drudge up some nasty feelings. Feelings that make me want to rewind time, put myself in a different place and try again. Everyone knows that can't happen but everyone also wishes they could from time to time. I know I have. Since that is not an option, I can only work through the nasty feelings that arise a bit at a time until all is said and done and I will only know this situation as the one in the heap behind me that I have moved on from.

I just wish there were some way to speed up the process but I suppose I should remind myself that, I have been holding on to this for at least 17 years so how could I imagine it could be dealt with in 17 minutes?

Patience, my child. Patience.

Transition

I have always wondered about transition. How does it happen? When? What do I do? Recently, I've learned that it just happens. It just is what it is and sometimes you realize it and sometimes, not so much.

As these days go by, the thoughts in my mind have been transitioning from 'what the fuck am I going to do!?' to 'Ok, I got this.I'm going to be ok'. It happens at the oddest moments, too. When I am doing the dishes and rinsing the suds, a thought passes. As I sit and try to lose myself in the monotony that is TV, another thought makes its way. As I wake up, stretch and attempt to start a new day...well you get the idea.

It doesn't ever bother me, when these thoughts happen. It excites me, actually. Gives me a sense of hope. Don't get me wrong, just as my luck seems to go, as soon as I have a thought as such, I go to my mailbox and find a bill from traffic court for an unlawful speedometer (whatever that means). Does it blow up my happy moment? Sometimes, yes but I have been trying to lessen the amount of time I let it bother me. Who would have thought that being in control and taking care of yourself would require so much effort and work? Perhaps as time goes on, it won't.

Who knows.

These days I often find myself thinking about my life. Where I've been, How I got here and ( I guess the only next logical thing) where am I going? The more that these thoughts pass through my head, the more confused I seem to get. I hope that one memory or lesson learned might give the answer for a new question/problem I might have but I have yet to have that happen.

I have been talking more, getting more involved, meeting new people and just, in general, attempting to leave my hermit hole that I has managed to keep me 'safe' 'till now. I have to say, for the most part, it has been good for me. The more that it happens, the more I think to myself, 'Why the hell have I waited so damn long!?'.

Could it be, as they say, everything happens in due time? Could it be that up until now I just haven't been ready or maybe it just took the current state of things in my life to shake me around and get me moving.

Another thing is, why am I always looking for answers? Why am I finding it so difficult to just accept things as they are and 'keep moving'? In talking to various people these days, I am often asked (or told) that. Why are you questioning it? So and so is not going to change. The situation is not going to be any different.

I thought it's a good thing to question things in life. Could it be that there is a fine line between questioning and obsessing?

As humans, there are times in our lives when the 'going gets tough', as they say. At these times, I think most us of get lost in our troubles and forget that there is a whole world out there.

I, myself, am the type of person who hates to see people struggle and in pain. However, I am also at fault for losing myself in my troubles forgetting that other people might too be having a hard time at the moment. I have gotten so caught up in trying to figure out and fix what is going on in my life that I have become a sort of 'hermit' to my troubles. Though, at times, it has been deemed very necessary in order to keep some sort of sanity so not to go completely insane!

For this, I am sorry.

In speaking to a friend, recently, I learned that as tough as things are for him at the moment another wall has been placed in his path. As our conversation progressed and he broke out a few smiles, I could still see the pain and exhaustion in his face. I could even see it in his hands as he rubbed his head. I know that there is little I can do to make his world better but at that moment my troubles seemed almost 'doable' and all I wanted to do was give him some sort of reassurance that things will be ok. Do I know that for sure? No but just as in my life and all the crap that is happening in it, I have hope.

Things will be ok, my friend.

Today I am listening to the sound of the falling snow and all I hear is the beating of my own heart.

There are moments when I find myself thinking about my life and how I got here. Depending on my mood usually determines my reaction to the state of things. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry and yet, at times, I am hopeful. The more days that pass, the more the 'hopeful' reaction seems believable. I find myself wanting so desperately to grab hold of the reins and run with it. As I explained to a friend of mine recently - I need to not think about it so much and jump in with both feet. Right now, I am in it but I still have the toes of one foot attached to the wall and I can't seem to pull them away. The fear of failure becomes paralyzing and holds on tight.

I heard someone say once - 'The walls are only there to let us know how much we really want something'

I really want it.

I woke this morning to the sun shining.

Moments later, I pulled myself from the warmth under the comforter and began my day.

In the process, I was caught by the light shining into the 'other' room.

It held me there and thoughts began to rush around my still sleepy mind.

In an instant, I saw you.

I saw me.

I saw us.

The light seemed to dance across the room and dress it in our dreams.

The dreams we made together but would never come to fruition.

Perhaps the light was there as a new reason for us?

To be a reminder.

A reminder that we are still us.

Us as you and me.

With that thought, I danced along with the light, felt it's warmth in a new way and knew, at that moment, it won't be dark but instead just fine.

Santa grows up

When I was smaller, Christmas was the time of year that I looked forward to the most. It was so magical. I remember going through the weeks before thinking that they are taking 'forever' to get to the end goal - CHRISTMAS! I couldn't wait for Christmas eve dinner to be with my cousins, laugh and play. Then when all was said and done, I would feel I 'had' to go to sleep as soon as I could but before I do - the cookies must be left out for santa with the note, of course. Can't forget the note. 'Dear Santa, Please enjoy these cookies and milk....'

Of course, being young, I absolutely couldn't wait for Christmas morning. I would run down the stairs and somehow still be convinced that Santa Claus himself dropped all these gifts off for myself and my siblings. It didn't help that all the tags were 'from Santa'! Regardless - it was here! Christmas day! Tearing through the presents was amazing. What was more amazing is that the 'big' gifts were addressed to 'Jessica, Brian and Kristen' (at times - my older sister would be involved in the gift) and we opened them together, stared in awe at them together and played with them - together. Ahh...those were the days.

Soon, it was time to head off to my Aunt's home for dinner and the next best thing was choosing something new to wear and one, small gift to bring with us. I imagine this is so we wouldn't be at the house, pacing and nagging to go home to play with all the new stuff! Whatever it was, the method kept us satisfied and happy. It worked.

Time to go home? Yes! Those were the greatest words I could hear! Back to my NEW stuff...

Then it happened. One year, as I was making my way through the sea of gifts, I found it. Hidden between two neatly wrapped gifts and almost under the couch, there was a cookie. A cookie set out especially for Santa himself! I picked up the cookie and said, ' I knew it' . I knew he wasn't real. Perhaps the cookie could have been dropped by the big man himself but I just knew. Something inside my little belly just knew. Still, I kept it to myself. I wanted to remain in the magical, fantasy that I have surrounded around Christmas until now.

Over the years, as I have grown, so has Santa. I am now one of his 'helpers' as I have been for quite sometime but I keep him real for my nieces and nephews. I watch them as they make their way through the overload of toys and clothes purchased by all of us helpers but sent to them from Santa.

Now I sit back and smile as I relive the magic of Christmas through their bright eyes and piercing (happy) squeals.

I still smile when I am handed a gift 'from Santa'.

I come from a large family and though I would like to say that we are a super tight group - we aren't. However, last night we managed to unite for a purpose. A very important purpose.

For some time now, we have been standing on the side lines watching one of my brothers fall deeper and deeper into alcoholism. For a time, I think most of us (myself for sure) just tried not to believe that he has a problem. I would often make excuses for him or just ignore him when he did have a beer in hand. Over the past year, or so, it's gotten worse. His living conditions worsened to the point of toxic, he would show up with black eyes and try to convince us that he punched himself in his sleep and slowly he has stopped showing up at family functions that he would normally attend. In that time, he has also allowed people into his life that have been nothing but detrimental to his well being. The sad part is that he seemed so desperate, at times, for a connection with someone that he permitted the negative messages to infiltrate his mind. I just hope there comes a day when he realizes that those are wrong and there is just so much better in the world for him.

Regardless - as I said, my family came together last night for an intervention. We decided that it is time to step in because if we don't he would simply continue down this path of destruction and we might lose him all together. We did the intervention. We did it out of concern, anger, frustration, care and most importantly - fear. Fear that if we didn't step in he would be done. Something that we, as a family, couldn't live with. Close or not - he is still a family member and therefore a top priority.

After much talk and tears - he agreed and now, today, my brother is off to detox. A detox that I hope will clear his body of all the terrible crap that resides in there now. A detox that, when its done, will make him feel outstanding and realize that he has so much going for him. Simply, a detox that will bring him from the pit he is currently in to a world of views of a possible future.

From there, he is off to rehab to begin the journey of treatment for his disease.

Again - as a family - we let him know that we will be with him every step of the way.

I just hope we can be 'close' enough to hold true to that.

I miss you.

I know that I shouldn't.

Our lives are moving in a new direction.

Separate from each other.

I can't help it, though.

I miss you, terribly.

I miss us.

It's for the best. We both know.

The flowers will forever be in my mind.

The hugs - forever around me.

The kisses - always tenderly on my skin.

I hope you know the impact you have had on my life.

One that can never be undone.

One that is more than appreciated.

There was a meaning for this.

For us, when we happened.

There was a reason.

I believe that.

I believe in you.

I wanted to believe in us but life doesn't always take that course.

The one we plan at least.

I hope for good things.

For you.

For me.

For us.

Forever.